To want to leave my assets to my family

[Dilemmalarma]

Im coming up to mid-forties, no children, DP (divorced) is 53 with one young adult daughter from his marriage.
We've been together just under 3 years and have started talking about buying a home together. We'd put equal amounts into the property purchase, a small house with no mortgage.

Im very close to my sister and would like to leave my assets to her...we had a difficult childhood and shes always been there for me, shes worked incredibly hard but doesnt have much...she's the same age as DP.

I proposed that DP and I purchase a property as tenants in common with some kind of clause enabling the remaining partner to live in the property for 3 years or so before selling so my sister and DPs daughter could inherit something while young enough to enjoy it however DP got quite angry and said it was a mad suggestion and that he wanted either a joint tenancy or right to live in the shared home for the rest of his life.

DP has a number of healthy pensions and savings meaning potentially moving after my death or buying my sisters share wouldnt be an issue financially. I dont have much of a decent pension but would be happy to downsize if he died before I did to enable his daughter to inherit her Fathers share of the property.

AIBU? DP is making me feel i am...I pointed out the arrangement would benefit DPs daughter too but he said she has enough already and will also inherit from her Mum.

Its a guess but I think if I died before he did my partner would probably want to move anyway as a small two bed cottage isn't his ideal forever home simply because he can afford something larger...he's stated that he'd rather buy a bigger home but that hes happy to compromise because I cant afford half of a larger home and because he sees the financial benefits in keeping most of his funds available while things in the UK are uncertain.
I appreciate that hes compromised on this mostly for me.

Well it’s up to you what you do I guess. I think your hesitation over this is a sign that it’s not a good idea to buy together. If you keep your own home and pay off the mortgage then you will probably have more to leave your sister or charity on death anyway as it will be 100% rather than a 50% share.

Why does it have to be 50/50 out of interest? Why can’t you buy somewhere and he puts in 75% and you 25% and you have shares reflecting that? I also would want to live in a bigger and nicer home if I was a millionaire.

My partner of 6 years have done exactly what you propose. We are in our early sixties and both have children from previous marriages. We hold our property as tenants in common and have a clause saying that in the event of one of us dying the property is to be sold within 3 years to release the funds to the deceased’s offspring. The difference i suppose is that we are both happy/ would prefer to downsize if left on our own.

I think some of the posts here have shown me that him getting angry at my suggestion wasnt the red flag i thought it might be...and possibly quite a normal reaction.

Nope! Don't buy with him. I had a partner who was trying to insist on this as well.

Well I think getting angry is always a potential red flag. I think your position isn’t particularly reasonable but if he was shouting/threatening etc that is a red flag. Also living in your house rent free while doing his reno is a red flag in terms of using you.

It's probably a good reason not to move in together tbh. His priority is his house security. Your priority is leaving stuff to your family. You are on different pages and his logic is frankly dumb as fuck.

If you are less than four years older than him, statistically he's more likely to die first. This means you'd be the one given the boot and it'd be his daughter that would lose out. His daughter who you are giving more consideration and thought to than you. Add to this that most men who have been in long term relationship even if they outlive their female partner tend to die within a couple of years of their partner's death. You've also added another 3 years to this, so unless you are seven years older than him it's unlikely to be an issue to him. Given the ages you have given, it's actually a really fair arrangement. More than fair.

So the biggest loser in his proposed arrangements is always likely to be his daughter. Under your arrangement his daughter is guaranteed to get something regardless of the order you, your sister or her father die. Otherwise she's at risk of getting nothing if you marry and he dies first.

If you aren't married and move in together and don't have this arrangement, then whoever lives longest is going to have a mess to deal with potentially being forced to move anyway. Either because of financial considerations or reality kicks in. What you often find is one partner dies the house and living independently quickly gets too much for the survivor anyway and they are forced to move out of necessity. The idea that you will be physically and mentally able to live in your home until the end of your life by yourself is sadly a bit of a fantasy for many.

If the age difference is skewed like this in his favour, I've got to say for me this shows him up as ultimately being more self centred and that potentially would be an issue for me as it wouldn't just be about the house but a wider trait in terms of how he approaches life. I would feel it would impact on me in terms of any big decisions which might need to be made in old age - including big financial ones over care etc. And that frankly he's not really that bright tbh. Given that the reality is you are likely to end up as his live in carer, I'd be doing some pause for thought here.

He compromised on this for me too...so hes not all bad. He did suggest a similar arrangement at one point (again with the life time clause) but I said id prefer not to, I was worried id feel i wasn't paying my way (even though that makes no sense) as we would split running costs.
In my defence, my partner is often quite vocal about how people think hes made of money ... for example his daughter ...in an angry way rather than simply moaning about it....I think subconsciously this made me a bit paranoid about doing or saying anything that could give him reason to think I saw him that way. Hence not asking for a contribution to bills when he stayed with me and other similar things.

So the biggest loser in his proposed arrangements is always likely to be his daughter. Under your arrangement his daughter is guaranteed to get something regardless of the order you, your sister or her father die. Otherwise she's at risk of getting nothing if you marry and he dies first.

It is if you believe that fully grown adults have a god given right to inheritance from their parents. Otherwise the dad can do what he likes with his money that they daughter didn’t work to earn.

He shouldn’t have got angry, but I agree with DP.

The emotional impact of losing your partner is huge - I can’t imagine how much worse would have been if I’d had to start looking for somewhere else to live on top.

And, you might well feel the same if he died before you.

I think you need to have a good open chat about finances and where and how you want to live. It sounds a bit like both of you are bringing preconceptions to the issue. Both of you are protecting your funds and home (quite rightly) but have different views about what that looks like. Another option if he has the funds you say is that he buys a house for you both to live in and you rent yours out so you can move back if you need to in the future?

Don’t see how the daughter loses out at all … she gets her inheritance eventually and most likely OPs estate on top eventually

Even if married people can leave their estates as they wish - and so to kids not a spouse

His anger is a red flag and the more info you provide he sounds very grabby.
He’s very wealthy but lived with you free (you said you covered all outgoings?) for a long period when his property was being renovated.
He says he will put in a larger percentage so you can have a bigger house together but you don’t feel comfortable about this because of his attitude and annoyance about other’s perception of his wealth. This doesn’t feel right to me! Ask yourself why you wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement.
So many posters are pointing out the emotional difficulty for him of selling within three years on death but surely this would affect you more than him as he could buy out your share of the property whereas you would have to find something much smaller and potentially incur a lot of costs in selling.
I would be wary of my funds being inherited by his daughter, someone you’ve only known a few years and it does feel like he’s pushing you toward this.
From your post you are about 8 years younger than him and have quite a few years to be in employment. His wealth will continue to increase, what will happen when you retire? Is he happy to support you then.
He sounds grabby and a bit tight to me and I wonder if your reticence to allow him to stay in the house after your death is a result of that?
Can you enjoy time with your sister and maybe treat her (weekends, trips , meals etc) while you can as she is that much older than you? If she does not survive you then this whole conundrum seems pointless.

Yes, I think its the red flags regarding attitude and anger that are worried me really.

He is tight...on its own that wouldnt bother me however coupled with my paranoia now about feeling I have to overpay to avoid seeming grabby myself, its a bad combination. He's known me long enough to know i always pay my way so he knows im not after his money.

His daughter bought him a little present at Christmas and he mentioned it cant have cost much and that he spent more on her which felt odd to me.. he wasnt happy.If we have a day out and split costs he might for example mention later that I need to buy him a drink because he paid for parking (and id not realised).

I dont know why hes like this...he was brought up with very little and he told me, his parents taught him the world was a 'dog eat dog' environment so maybe its that...he went on to work in finance which he said was similar.

He's not overly frugal and will buy himself nice things which is certainly his right and none of my business.

Its a shame....hes not tight with his time or attention and not selfish in any other way.

As he can afford, and wants to retain the house for himself if you passed first, have you thought about him buying the house 100%? I believe you said you own a house now, can that be rented and any profit from this go towards your home costs? On top of any contribution you make to the bills, so you are still contributing just in a different way. Then if you do pass first, your house could be sold and passed to your sister without changing his living situation. If he passes first, you could move back in to your home and stay within your means.

I appreciate its complicated joining assets with different family situations, I have a family member who is in a later life relationship. He has one child from his previous marriage, she has three, all grown with their own families now and they don't live together and run 2 houses in order to not combine and complicate assets and preserve for their first families

He sounds like a red flag, yes. Tbh it probably won’t make much difference if you pay your way and struggle - he will still be a dick. So I would own it, let him pay and if he makes comments, shrug your shoulders and make some joke about being a gold digger. Assuming you want to stay with him obviously.

Run run run run run run run. Or at least, don't buy! Don't buy! Don't buy! What a complete meany Re: parking/drinks. What happened to love and affection and treats !? It's in thing if you're on the breadline and needing that parking money to feed yourself or your kids, but loads in the bank and quibbling over such small amounts at that age!? No thank you !!

Thank you, thats definitely something we can look at

I really can't see any good reason for you to be selling your property and buying one with him, especially given your relative disparities in wealth. Let him buy a place that you both live in, you rent yours out, and pay him rent. Then you have a place if your DP predeceases you, and his place can go to his DD. If you predecease your DP, your place can go to your sister.

The anger isn’t necessarily a red flag. I would be angry, angry really for thinking the relationship was something more than it is for the OP. I would buy a house with someone else as a ‘life partner’ even if I wasn’t married and would not expect to have to sell if they died. Therefore I would not buy with someone like the OP.

Now all the other things OP has mentioned just cement that they also have reservations about the relationship but for other reasons.

I think for both parties this purchase is a bad idea.

Why doesn't he buy a house where you both live, while you buy a smaller house, and 1) leave it for your sister as inheritance (or buy it in her name) and 2) rent the smaller house and use the income as "couple's money"? That way you'll be contributing financially to your household with the DP and at the same time saves the hassle of him "buying out your sister". Sounds like a better plan.
(BTW, if he has a lot more money than you, how is he planning to share expenses with you - don't ever accept 50/50, please - , and what is his plan if he dies first?)

my partner is often quite vocal about how people think hes made of money

@Dilemmalarma He has laid the ground work to make you paranoid and uncomfortable about him spending money.

He stayed in your house without contributing and didn't feel uncomfortable. He asked for your share of parking cost and he didn't feel uncomfortable. It is a dog eat dog world. Unfortunately, and I mean this kindly and with your best interests at heart, you are the dog getting eaten. He will make sure he always come out on top.

His approach to money/finances/sharing costs seems very extractive and mostly beneficial to him, OP. I am shocked that he manged to gas light you into thinking it would be unfair of you to ask him to contribute to expenses when he lived with you for an entire year! Whether you realize it or not, you have already impoverished yourself for his benefit. Please do not entrench this unhealthy pattern in your relationship. Respectfully, I think you are lacking in perspective on this. And, far from buying a house with him, please work on getting on the same (and fair) page on all money related issues.

Ok given your updates he is being very unreasonable. He could easily hand your sister her half of the property if you die first. He is also unreasonable to be so tight with money given he has so much. I think the only way for you to live together is for him to buy the house and you keep yours to pass on as you wish. In a situation where wealth is so different it would be normal for the richer person to pay all house costs and bills.
It is also worth noting many lawyers recommend tenants in common so only half the house value can be taken up in one persons care costs.