My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

My SIL had two miscarriages between her son and her daughter, I got pregnant just before she got pregnant with her daughter, they ended up being born just 2 weeks apart which I thought was lovely but she spoiled it by constantly saying how she'd tried so hard for her baby and I'd "stolen her thunder", we also liked a name during pregnancy and I made the mistake of telling her and she then said she was calling her daughter an almost identical name and I shouldn't call my daughter X because I didn't have to try for her.

She still seems to think this year's later, that her child is more loved and "special".

But you can never understand how she feels can you as you haven’t had that experience

Your cousin or your sister? Regardless, why haven’t you said something sooner and more so if it’s your sister? She’ll be ridiculed by others.

She hasn't got any reference has she, of course her baby is special to her but that's it. She'll get bored of herself eventually, I wouldn't let it bother me tbh.

I remember being in hospital after the birth of one of my dc.

A lady did the usual and came and asked if this was my first and I said no I have another 2 at home, and asked her the same, she replied "no this is my first and we had IVF so he's extra special" 🤣🤣 not like my crappy third baby then.

In your shoes I would probably be sarcastic back until she got the hint just tell her that its making her sound like a twat and to behave herself.

I’ve had IVF, a second trimester miscarriage, multiple early miscarriages and a neonatal death and still don’t feel my children are any more special than other children. All children are special.

If she's still like this when her little darling is 3 and destroying people's sandcastles at the beach you can whip out the old Monty Python line.

Of course, but that doesn’t mean the woman does love her children more than other people, because she can’t possibly no how much anyone else loves their child. It’s a shitty thing of the woman to
announce to other people

My sil had a very traumatic few years to get to have one healthy, living baby but has never once said anything remotely like this.

We had a lot of miscarriages before our eldest and the relief of finally having a baby and overcoming infertility was immense. Coupled with first baby preciousness it's easy to feel no other woman ever loved a baby so much. I adored my son from the moment he was conceived and couldn't believe he fully exists. Which has been useful because it carried me through all his health problems. A few years later we had our daughter and I love her just as much but that slightly manic and obsessive edge isn't there because I had already 'overcome infertility' for want of a better phrase (it was 5 years and 6 losses before we had him and a lot of medical intervention after natural conception) and honestly I'd say it is a more normal love and less edged with anxiety. Terror and trauma.

So if say your sister probably genuinely believes what she says and at some point years from now will realize the truth. That the love we feel for a newborn can be so massively overwhelming it's unbelievable to think it's a universal experience and your pregnancy and fertility journey have been more exceptional you can assume your love is too. Be gentle with her. It's not extra love, it's extra trauma and she'll probably eventually realize that like I did.

I can see it from both sides obviously she loves her daughter just the same as any other mother but I would imagine there is so much unresolved trauma and heartache that shes not thinking logically. Neither of you know the reality of each others situation.

I’d tell her how rude and offensive it is OP, she can feel however she wants to feel but it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be called out for implying to other people that they love their children less

I was trying to be discrete and got myself mixed up! 😂

My sister used to say that I couldn’t love my adopted kids in the same way as a biological mother (she may have even used the word real). Daft cow.

But to be fair I’ve seen it said repeatedly on here too.

Just let it go, some people are idiots, don’t engage with it and it will go away.

I had several mcs and failed ivfs, and I too do not think this makes my DC more special than other people’s DC, nor do I see DS2 born after mcs as more special than DS1.

Hopefully she’ll knock it off soon, but you might need to have a quiet word with her if she doesn’t.

I only asked because I’d be quicker and firmer to talk to a sister than a cousin, unless very close to them.

Your sister (?) needs to know that she will be annoying and potentially insulting others which isn’t reflecting well on her.

I’d just roll my eyes or ignore her. Some people are just a bit more self absorbed than others.

Yanbu she sounds like a bellend

we all love our children and they’re all special 😂😂😂

new mum syndrome, she’ll calm down when/if she has more or the kid hits the terrible twos

It's not nice OP, I get it.

I had someone in my life who used to say similar, that she's not like other mums because she's not leaving her kids with strangers aka not using nursery.

Ugh the puritan mums

the ones who bang on about breastfeeding and orgasming through childbirth

first time motherhood is tough 😂

See, I hate this shit. I understand why people are completely overwhelmed with love after a struggle to have children, but it doesn't mean they need to make others feel less.

My sister has a one & only after a terrible struggle involving many lost babies & IVF. At age 23 she still believes her child is more special- probably why she still absolutely smothers her. I love my sister, but it's unhealthy from the get-go.

We’ve had this in our family too. My SIL acting as if her child is more precious and special. She also seems to think that she values motherhood more than me because I conceived more easily, whereas it took her and my bil much longer.

That's just ignorance and plain rude.

Yes then she can’t she loves her child more than OP?! Cos she hasn’t had that experience either

Each and every child is a blessing and special whether it be your first child after years of infertility or your 8th child.

Do you perhaps feel like your sister is projecting her trauma onto others, of course to her it is natural to find her baby extra special as she waited so long. I imagine she sees her baby conceived by IVF after years of heartbreak as being a complete miracle and thinks that if you’ve had it easier you can’t possibly understand the struggle or love your baby as much. There may be unresolved jealous feelings there. And after years of waiting the way to try and help these jealous feelings is to feel like no one can possibly love their baby as much as she does.

I think you need to be honest and say that whilst you’ll never understand the infertility side, it is quite hard and draining to hear your sister make accusations that you can’t love your children as much. Every baby is special