My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

I am so very sorry.

Absolutely this, I would never have said it out loud to friends but I definitely thought it privately or said it to DH. I was in a complete blissful but also looking back anxiety driven bubble. After years of mc the relief of having a baby is immense. I literally skipped through pregnancy, even after a very difficult birth where he was very close to not making it and then an awful recovery for me I just didn’t clock those things. The midwives and health visitors must have thought I was totally mad but it was trauma. Pregnant again now and have been very much humbled, I love this child no less but my god it’s hard work and I can relate to my friends so much better now.

She is rude to be saying it to you but the trauma of infertility can take a long time to subside. In years to come she will no doubt look back and cringe!

What sort of stupid logic is that? 😂 I’d just tell her ‘yeah cuz I think everyone feels that way about their children’. Not the same scenario, but I knew someone who used to post on SM in relation to their kid, ‘no one could understand how much I love this kid I’d do anything for her’…yeah no shit I’d be shocked if you didn’t feel that way about your own kid! There’s an element of being a bit thick to think that’s somehow unusual.

It’s an obnoxious thing to say. And not true.

but it’s a feeling that a lot of people feel at some point or other. For example when I was young and first in love with my now husband, I honestly believed no one had ever had a love like it and other people’s relationships couldn’t possibly feel as intense 😂
I also felt that about my babies. Like it was impossible for anyone to love anybody as much as they were loved.
I’d have never voiced it to anyone and I know it’s not true!
I probably would say yeah yeah it’s grating a bit thin now babe, we all love our kids yano! Just keep it light but I’m sure she’ll stop if she’s gently called out.

She's wrong obviously, but as someone who is going through infertility, your anger is exactly how those of us who are infertile feel when we are told we'll never know real love because we don't have children. All of it is nonsense and why people should just keep their thoughts to themselves.

She's wrong obviously, but as someone who is going through infertility, your anger is exactly how those of us who are infertile feel when we are told we'll never know real love because we don't have children. All of it is nonsense and why people should just keep their thoughts to themselves.

I experienced a stillbirth and multiple miscarriages before having DC - those experiences changed me so completely that I know I appreciate my children not more than anyone else but more than the version of me before would have, if that makes sense. I naively thought everything would just be ok and now I appreciate every single day what a miracle successful pregnancies are (not just mine!).

Maybe the trauma and something akin to the above is what’s he’s feeling but she’s expressing it badly. I think she’ll look back and realise when there is more distance from her struggles.

No, I hear you completely! I lost a baby before I had my daughter but would never dream of saying that about loving her more than someone who hadn’t suffered a loss. This also goes with people telling my daughter, who has twins, ‘oh mine are so close in age it’s like having twins’ No actually you haven’t a clue what it is like and that statement just reinforces that!

After our first dc we had an huge struggle ttc, with many losses, and five rounds of IVF. One of our babies was a second trimester loss and I go to visit his grave.
Having experienced both a ‘normal’ pregnancy and birth, and one where we had to work harder and really rely on a miracle happening, I can honestly say that I love both our dc exactly the same.
I love them more than I could possibly love anyone else, which is probably how your cousin is feeling. The enormity of the feeling is overwhelming, so it could be that, or maybe she feels she’s failed to get the recognition for what she’s been through, which is something she needs to come to terms with.
Could you perhaps ask her why she feels the need to refer to her struggles more than other people might? Unless she’s incredibly obtuse she must realise that, generally speaking, parents are smitten by their children, and all children are miracles and very special. They are all amazing - one is not more so than the other.

I once read an article about a French male gynaecologist who described giving birth as the ultimate orgasm. Imagine him coming onto the maternity ward and mansplaining that to the new mothers. He should have been struck of for being a total idiot.

Neither of you know the reality of each others situation.

Exactly, which us why it's ludicrous to declare one love is better than another. You can't know and tbh it's a pretty insulting thing to guess about someone.

I'd let this slide. Everyone (usually) believes "no one could love their children more than I love my children". Maybe you could just say that? Agree and say, gosh yes the love we feel for our children is overwhelming and we cant imagine anyone else feeling the same!

So, she must believe that there are plenty of mothers out there who love their baby more than she loves hers? As there are plenty of women whose struggles to motherhood will have been longer and (much) more traumatic.
Perhaps point this out to her so she can see her views on this are, frankly, awful.

Nor can her cousin understand the experience of OP as hers was different.

Doesn't mean she loves her child more than any other mother does.

I've felt that too, I think mainly as some kind of response to the trauma of her birth. There was an element of having to love her more fiercely too.

In reality she knows she's my absolute world but when I tell her she's the best girl in the world, she says - I know, but every parent thinks that. She gets it, because every (or almost every) parent does think their kid is the best thing to walk the planet. I don't know if we'd keep looking after them otherwise sometimes 😆

As a children’s nurse some of the families with IVF children do seem to want special treatment because their children are so precious. When actually we treat everyone the same, as we should.

Only you can judge roughly how your cousin would react to you saying something and it does sound like she could do with it if her comments are hurting those around her. But if you think she'll not take it well and that you may fall out over it, then perhaps it's not worth it. Fingers crossed she will get bored eventually.

I just hope her baby doesn't grow up to be a precious little brat, thinking that they are somehow better than everyone else because of what mum says all the time!

And she doesn't know how OP feels.

It's a ridiculous thing to be competitive about. Fertility struggles or lack of struggles can't measure who loves their children more.

I’m Sorry for your loss.

And vice versa.

Or someone should have popped a lemon in his testicles for him to pass while orgasming. Clearly that's be amazing

On the one hand obviously she is completely wrong to say that, it is mildly obnoxious to say and clearly going through IVF doesn't make you love your children more (I did IVF). On the other hand what does it achieve to pull her up on it. She may still be dealing with some of the trauma from her journey (and / or any fears about future difficulties) and this is her way of talking it out. Can you let it go? If not, I'd just point out that you think she's a wonderful, caring mother but you don't think its polite to imply you love your child less than she loves hers and everyone's journey to/through motherhood is unique and special.

Bloody hell, I can’t believe people do that! My blood is boiling

They do it because of the trauma of infertility. No need to have your blood boil. They don't actually receive different care.

I'm so sorry for the loss - as OP said for what it's worth I'm sure they didn't mean to undermine you for continuing to live your life but were trying (badly) to express compassion. I've experienced a lot of other loss and I can only admire your strength - being strong and trying to find purpose beyond such a tragedy in no way undermines how deeply I'm sure you loved your son.