My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

Tick, tick, tick! My sister ticked most of these. My God was she the breast-feeding police/ playground police (looking down when I allowed my DC to climb, be independent, take risks- like we all should)/ sleepover police/ socialising police/ hobbies police. No matter what others did they were wrong & not as devoted a mother as she. Honestly OP, it doesn't get any better.

I was told by a friend that I couldn’t possibly be a real mother to my DD as she was born by C-Section. The fact that we would both have died without it was immaterial; the only way to be a mother in this woman’s eyes was if you’d had a vaginal birth, preferably one that took 12+ hours as that ‘proved you loved and wanted’ the baby.

She was talking utter crap. And your sister/cousin is also talking crap. And this is me, who had a lot of miscarriages, spent most of the single surviving pregnancy in hospital and had a c-section talking.

The way you have a child does not give you some weird preferential’ way of loving them.

I don’t know how you can tell her that she’s talking crap though, unless you say something along the lines of

’ooo I must remember to tell our mum/your mum this! She’ll be so pleased to know that she couldn’t possibly love you anywhere near as much as you love your child’

And wait for her to not want to hurt her mother.

Don't engage. She will stop saying it eventually.

I don’t know how you can tell her that she’s talking crap though, unless you say something along the lines of
’ooo I must remember to tell our mum/your mum this! She’ll be so pleased to know that she couldn’t possibly love you anywhere near as much as you love your child’
And wait for her to not want to hurt her mother.

edit: from a proud c section, bottle feeding dd due to v large boobs (NOT a humble brag), allows some screen time mum!!

Trust me, it wasn't nice hearing it constantly especially while I was on mat leave with my DC and she knew I was going back to work after mat leave.

I think this was the reason why I didn't keep in touch.

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The c section comment..... What on Earth!

Having an orgasm whilst giving birth?? 😮

I’m opting for an elective after having a c section with my first and one of my “friends” was mortified, said I was giving up my chance of doing to main motherly thing you can do your your baby.

ugh you poor thing

Sometimes hell isn't motherhood but other mums, honestly

That would get many women’s backs up, it’s so smug and condescending

I'm sure there's many of us who can't believe the love we have for our child isn't abnormally great, so intense can it feel. However common sense tells us we are wrong, and etiquette says this is something we think privately. Your cousin seems to be temporarily missing both. I'd try not to take it personally as its more likely to be an outpouring of her joy than a dig at you, plus the need to reframe what must have been a very difficult route to motherhood as a positive.

Most sensible and insightful post on here. 👆👆

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Yes!! Omg banging on about home birth and how birthing is an experience and a good mum is present and how the baby coming out of you should cause an orgasm!!

Thank you, it's insight gained through a year of therapy for PTSD from my eldests health issues. 😂 Seriously though, talking therapy after infertility should be no negotiable because you carry a lot into your parenting journey you may not even be aware of

Absolutely. I love my sister, and after 23 years of it I'm used to it, but when I look back I realise how bad she was. We shall never mention that my eldest DC did a little better than her DD in A levels 🙄

The main thing you can do for your baby?

🤣🤣 tell her she's clearly a shit parent if she thinks it begins and ends at the birth part.

Not that major abdominal surgery is a walk in the park anyway.

Ffs, people speak shit sometimes. Just ignore her and good luck 💐

I have an ivf baby and I don’t love him more than my other son who was conceived naturally. She’s talking shite but she’s 1 year PP - so currently mental. She’ll come around and hopefully be embarrassed by her carry on

I'd just agree with her 'you're right I don't understand at all'. And let her take from that what she will.

Tbf, maybe she appreciates motherhood more because she has had to battle to get there.

I have a 4yo dd and have been ttc a sibling since 2023. I wouldn't say I love my dd more than any other mother loves their child. However, I never take a second of my dd's life for granted as I know I'm likely to only experience this once.

I worked with someone who refused to do her job because she might be pregnant, she was starting ivf. I was taken off my job to do hers. I did state to my supervisor that I could also be unknowingly pregnant and would her baby be more important than mine. I was made to do her job, she got moved to an easier one.

@Namesss what made it worse was that it wasn’t a one-off comment. We’re no longer in contact as it really traumatised me.

@Baby2duejuly2026 good luck - also be aware you do still bleed after a c-section (no-one warned me so it was a shock!). Also travel mugs / straws will be your friend as it means you can drink even if you haven’t got a free hand x

Might keep my kids on their toes now and rank them according to the ease of their births, length of time of conception, how easy they were as babies, general attitude now.....

I'll stick up a wee score board in the kitchen and my house will be like the hunger games while they all compete to be the favourite.

My baby is a much wanted IVF baby but that doesn't make her more special than anyone else. She's very loved by me but our bond is not in a competition with other mothers. Maybe your cousin is finding aspects of motherhood hard and she's comforting herself by saying these things.

At the hospital my baby was called a special baby but that was a euphemistic term for being IVF and having slightly different risk factors as a result.

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