My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

We ALL love our children more than anyone has ever loved a child 😆 it’s the great miracle of nature that it manages to be true for all of us at the same time.

I would nod and smile the first time she said it, then move onto “yes, so you’ve said”, then “that’s the fifth time you’ve said that” with concomitant eye roll. She’ll settle down, especially if she has more kids.

Not quite the same I know, but I lost my son last year and more than one woman has since told me that ‘ I couldn’t carry on if my child died’. It feels like I’m being told that I didn’t love my child as much as they love theirs because I am still here.

I had a baby after a long, hard journey with multiple miscarriages. His little brother just sort of showed up. I can confirm that I love them both equally and completely. What I will say is that you do feel a lot of pressure, both internal and external, to be loving every second and the most grateful mother ever if you had a difficult time having your baby, and I wonder if your cousin might be 'protesting too much', i.e. trying to cover up that it isn't actually all roses.

And she can't know how OP feels either as she's not had that experience !

Yes, I had similar with a ‘school gate’ mum. DD extra precious, born at 35 weeks, suffered with eczema (poor kid, often looked sore), mum was regularly going into school (2/3 times a week) to check on this or sort that…
She suddenly stopped speaking with me or even acknowledging me when another mum was chatting to me about my twins, born at 33weeks and asking about NICU care etc. Said Mum seemed furious I had never mentioned this to her (why she felts entitled to my private info, I have no idea).

So, she stopped mentioning “the best and most loving mum ever to best child ever” after that…and shortly thereafter moved this child and her younger sister to another school, as this child was being bullied.

My advice is..let her say and think what she likes, it doesn’t make it true for the rest of us, as much as she wishes to believe it. Smile and wave as my kids like to say, just smile and wave!

You could say something like “Look, that’s lovely for you but you can’t go around saying that to other mums - and that includes me.”

I think she's trying to express the huge and complex feelings that come with having a baby after a grueling infertility journey. She's not wrong that it's different to when you conceive easily and naturally. She is incorrect that those different feelings translates to more love for the baby, but she doesn't know any different and feels that's what it must be. It's a bit insensitive, but the world of infertility messes with your head massively and forces you to live in a little bubble - I can see why she'd end up here. Either explain that you don't think it's that or let it go, it's not personal.

That kind of silliness results in a very obvious roll of the eyes and a 'that's nice dear', from me. I had a similar sort of twaddle inflicted on me from a woman who lived down the road. Along with (after the quake), proudly saying, 'the teacher said my reunion with dear little Caledonia was the only one that brought tears to her eyes!' I knew the teacher very well. She told me, when I told her of this, that she was brought to tears by the godawful performative hystrionics that scared a dozen more kids into fits. . .

wtf? I had a failed IVF after ttc for years and had miscarriages and ended up conceiving naturally (she’s now 6 and never conceived again! So she really is a either a fluke or a miracle)
Yes I love my daughter, she was the most beautiful baby there ever was, she is very special to me and she’s the best! But I’m totally aware I’m biased as she’s mine! And I only think this to myself and don’t say that out loud 🤣 As I’m completely aware that other people don’t give a hoot about my daughter and tbh I don’t give a hoot about their child!
No way can she say she loves her baby more! It’s a normal feeling that nearly all mothers/parents feel.

She should frame it as being thankful, as there are a lot of women who haven’t been fortunate to have a child of their own. I know I am sad about not being able to conceive baby number 2. But I am forever grateful to have my daughter!

Im so sorry they’ve said that to you. I can see how it feels like that. X

I hope she doesn't tell her daughter this, I was "special" for slightly different reasons but it really messed me up!

‘Every child is a blessing and precious and special.’ Repeat every time.

I think this is a good mixture between kind and blunt. I think if she protests it would also be fair to point out that you let it go the first few times, but that she keeps repeatedly saying it and it is hurtful.

As sad as it might be, I think you don't want someone so toxic in your life so it's probably for the best.

We know nothing of the inner lives of anyone, even those close to us, but going on about how special your baby is because you tried hard for it, had IVF etc is unnecessary. Many women have trouble conceiving but say nothing about it, don't make a drama out of miscarriages, may be suffering this alone because they have no close friends. A little empathy for others helps. You do not know what others feel, only what they show (not tell, that's entirely different). OP can be nice to friend but just turn off when she goes on about how she must love her DD more than anyone ever loved a DD - because it's silly and she can't know this. She may, of course, cease to be a friend, but sounds like it won't matter much.
(And I am reminded of TiMs who go round saying they are better 'women' than actual women because they had to 'work at it' 😡- which is an entire insult, of course, and entirely meaningless.)

I’m sorry girl, for your huge loss, but also for the women 🥺❤️

people are stupid when it comes to someone grieving

I had both my babies easy and naturally however I can understand where she is coming from.. not the child itself but the process and when a baby was finally born it was more of an unexpected event for her than it may have been for you?

i think this is the phenomena she is trying to explain but doesn’t have the words to describe it perhaps

id let it wash over you as I’m sure she’s not meaning anything like she’s better than you etc by saying this

I was ‘gifted and talented’ and now can’t make a decision on what to make for dinner without needing a lie down xx

the cousin can believe it without telling everyone else how much they love their own children though

This all sounds very draining. I would be tempted to say something along the lines of: I know it was a difficult journey for you to finally become a mum but you have your beautiful baby now so kindly just STFU.
Slightly harsh but might do the trick 🤔

A lot of people are saying that she'll soon get over it, just let it wash over you etc - if the baby was a newborn I'd agree (and I think everyone should get a pass for being a bit unhinged with a newborn). But OP says the baby is over 1 - this does seem to be a very settled part of the mum's narrative and I'm not so sure she will drop it by herself.

Do you think she is saying this as she is mentally processing everything that happened, like it's her saying "I'm really struggling with all the trauma I experienced to have my child"?

Funnily enough when I had my IVF baby the many HCPs I came into contact with during pregnancy, planned c section, and then PPH afterwards all said "this is an extra special baby". I really appreciated it as I felt they all understood what we had been through.

And vice versa.

And she can never understand how OP feels, so can’t know she loves her daughter any differently than OP does.

Meh, another year or so and you'll have the schadenfreude of the special baby being a nightmare toddler because mummy thinks normal rules don't apply.