My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

When a family member of mine lost the middle of their 6 children a friend of hers, mother to an only child, actually said ‘well at least you have five others it would be worse if it happened to me as I only have the one.’

This reminds of when I managed a nursery waiting list. A woman and her friend came in to register a child. When I explained that we had a waiting list and I would be in touch as soon as a place became available, the friend promptly told me that the child (3 year old) was an IVF baby. I must have looked baffled as she went on to say ‘so she’s special’. They were both outraged that this didn’t entitle them to jump the queue…

I'd just let it go. I think every mum feels they love their child more than anyone could imagine but most of us also have perspective. Maybe what she's been through has stolen her perspective a wee bit.

But if you wanted to say something before letting it go, I wouldn't blame you. The constant implications must be really fucking annoying.

I see this said often online and everytime I see it I think it's so insulting to the grieving Mum. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you've had to put up with insensitive comments about it.

That goes for everyone though, including her sister. Her sister hasn't had her experience. She just places more value on her own regardless.

What line is this?

All parents, especially first timers , think that their baby is the most awesome thing ever, and that everyone else should bow down to their perfectness.
Most of them usually realise eventually that nobody else is particularly interested in the golden child 🤗

To be honest I think this all the time when I come across child loss. It's never that I think I love my child more and couldn't go on, it's that I can only imagine the depth of the grief and therefore the well of strength needed to go on, and even just imagining it or witnessing it feels quite unbearable. I'm so sorry for your loss and I would never, ever want anyone who has lost a child to feel a yobe is underplaying their grief or love for their child.

This although I never was lucky enough to have a second to compare. after years of infertility and miscarriages I don’t think it’s that I love dc more but that he was very hard won it is a trauma and I am very paranoid that one false move and I could lose it all in a manic way I don’t think some of my family or friends get. The error I went to to get this gaming grunting teen boy 😂 but it felt like I lived and breathed it and lived trying for this one thing every second for many years. Be gentle with her infertility is traumatic in fact the effect on mental health is second after cancer- I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s hard to get if you haven’t been there my son is a teenager now and I still get pangs of anxiety and feel elements of the 7 years of awfulness. Try and put yourself in her shoes a bit she is just expressing it badly. As I can tell from this thread so many women who haven’t experienced infertility don’t get the pain.

My first DS was born sixteen weeks prematurely. We nearly went to hell and back but after a long and very rocky journey he came home. He has multiple disabilities. When I was pregnant with DS2 I worried desperately that I wouldn’t love him as much as his brother because he wouldn’t be as ‘special’. Naah, he came out and I love him the same amount in spite of the lack of drama that time round! 😄

I worked with someone who didn’t return after maternity leave and sent us all a round robin stating that she was going to be a SAHM because her baby was ‘too special to be put in a nursery’. It wasn’t remotely directed at me but I did feel a pang of “I must be a crap mother then because both of mine are in nursery”.

I know someone who genuinely believes their child is more special that any other child. They used to go into school to ensure that all teachers and school staff were aware that their child was the most special. They also made sure that other parents and students were fully informed at all times of their child’s special-ness. Baffling.

I feel sorry for these parents when their kids eventually move out as they’ll have nothing to focus on or talk about day to day

I'd reply with 'how do you know how much strangers love their children? Are you some kind of psychic?

Anyway it's not a competition. And it's a nonsensical thing to say.'

I’m so very sorry this happened to you. I completely understand how it makes you feel this way. I can only imagine people who say this are trying (and failing) to process the enormity of your loss and don’t mean anything negative by saying it. Very insensitive though. Thanks for helping everyone understand the effects of their words.

Ignore her. If you want to be a dick, ask her how does she know how other first time mums feel about their baby. She’s a fool in love, like 90% of new mothers.

And the cousin hasnt experienced the love the OP has for their own DC either, have they? FFS.

I was informed by a woman I barely knew at a party once that I definitely didn’t appreciate/love/deserve my son as much as she did because I had pain relief during labour and she didn’t. She also told me that when I had more (after a very traumatic birth I was told no more natural deliveries-only c sections) I would barely even care about them because a c-section “isn’t actually childbirth”
I asked her if she wouldn’t mind showing me her medal and certificate that they’d given her after the birth to denote her lack of pain relief during labour. She tinkly laughed and I insisted that if it were such a feat surely she’d have been awarded something, she called me ridiculous and walked off.

Some people are so very lacking in other areas of life that they feel the need to make you feel shit to make themselves feel better.

Also-my first is the result of a month of trying. My second is the result of months of trying, miscarriage and then a couple of months of fertility treatment. I don’t love either one more than the other!!

Your cousin is lacking somewhere and trying to make up for it here. Is it a case of the lady protests too much? Those who are adapting well to life changes generally don’t feel the need to shout just so loudly about it!

I wouldn’t say anything because I believe that she’ll experience a huge reality check at some point. When her dd starts school she will be treated the same as all the others; there’ll be no special treatment there.

I think your cousin is going to struggle with this and will need you then. It’s a situation that will rectify itself.

But no one can understand how much someone else loves a baby, that’s the point. To tell everyone you love yours more than they love theirs is insulting.

Having a tough time to have a baby doesn’t mean you love it more than people who don’t.
My friend had 5 miscarriages then when she had her daughter she said “she loved IT less than the dog.” I was worried and tried to support her. Then after a few months the baby clearly loved her mum so much and was always looking around for her and smiling at her so my friend fell in love with the baby. But it took months. She was very honest about it and was offered support from the mental health team and from her health visitor but she just didn’t feel how she thought she would feel initially.

I think most mums probably feel that their child is the most amazing child in the world. I think my 2 teenagers are absolutely amazing and a complete delight. But I also know other people may not feel the same as me about them. My eldest says his boss doesn’t like him. So not everyone thinks that he is the most amazing 18 year old in the world!

I would just say to your cousin yes they are very special due to how difficult it was for you to have them but all children are the most special thing in the world to their parents.

Sounds like that woman was trying to convince herself more than you.

Some mothers are a bit competitive that way.

My mother has a cousin who gave birth to her daughter on the same day that I was born...

There was always a bit of snark and competitiveness from the other mother - which I was aware of to an extent. As I got older, I became more aware of it, but was a bit bemused as to why my mother seemed to resent her cousin so much.
(She was perfectly polite to the woman to her face, but I could tell.)

My second cousin and I finished up at the same secondary school and I became aware that her attitude towards me was rather patronising, to say the least. You had to be there, but there was a lot of sniggering.

One day, she looked at me and giggled: "You know, Weary, people would never think that we were cousins!" In the end, I mentioned this to my mother.

"Humph! And what did she mean by that?"

"I'm not sure. I think because she's prettier than me because she's blonde and I'm not?"

"Humph! It's out of a bottle, the same as her mother's blonde hair!"

I really was bewildered. Mum then told me that when we were both at primary school - different schools - she had bumped into her cousin. Her cousin started going on about her daughter's achievements. Normal enough.

Then: "Plus my daughter is top of her class for arithmetic!"

My mum: "That's good. Weary's top of the class for arithmetic and English."

Pause. Mum's cousin: "Well! They do say that children of mixed blood do well at school!" [Dad was a wartime Displaced Person.]

I'll add that the other girl mellowed with age. Her mother - not so much.

This is such an empathetic and kind response. Congratulations on your babies too.

Oh I absolutely think so! On further interactions with her she is unhinged in many ways but still maintains that her ability to labour naturally without pain relief means a deeper love for her child!

As someone whose had 11 miscarriages & 3 stillborns she is being unhinged. I would just shut it down every time & change the subject.

Ha, that's hilarious!

I think I'd smile and nod. In my post-birth sleep deprived and hormone flooded fog I remember wondering if it would make the other mums at the baby clinic sad because my baby was so much more beautiful than an average baby.

I promise I'm not insane most of the time!

I'd just give her time. She'll cringe one day.