My cousin “loves her DD more than a normal mother”

[Sally20099]

This sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’m getting rather fed up of my cousin constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand how much love she has for her DD because she is “special” (ie she needed IVF to conceive and waited many years for this to materialise). It’s now been over a year and my cousin still goes on about this, and in all seriousness regularly announces or implies that those who conceive naturally can not love their own children as much because her struggle was so immense (and btw I’m not suggesting it wasn’t anything other than heartbreaking). AIBU if I say something and end this nonsense or should I just put up with it?

She may love her child in her eyes more but I guarantee she will lose her shit exactly the same way every other parent does at some point. I guess I can’t appreciate trouble conceiving because it did happen so easily for me but I went on my sisters single parent IVF donor journey with her and lived through all the momumental hurdles those parents go through. She will get bored of saying it eventually or say it to the wrong person who will soon put her in her place.

I can relate because my daughter is a rainbow baby and arrived after my son died so I would like to think she's loved more because of this. Would I tell everyone no I wouldn't. That's the issue, not how she's feeling, it's the fact she tells you constantly.

I remember being told by a work colleague when drinking my one cup of tea a day that I wouldn’t be taking such big risks if I’d spent £10,000 on making a baby. I was highly peeved as I would never have made any comment about her pregnancy other than positivity and support.

I remember when my PFB was around 6 months old I saw a mum with her baby and had the sudden realisation that other mothers loved their babies as much as I love mine 🤣

it’s a terrible thing to say to someone though as you don’t know peoples circumstances - many years ago my mum invited a new mum round for coffee with some other mums and she went on and on about how she loved her kids (young teens at the time) more than other people loved theirs because she’d had a miscarriage. What she didn’t know was that one of the mums had a child going through cancer treatment who found her comments crushing

I didnt for one minute think they would get special treatment. But I stand by what I say… to expect special treatment for your DC due to how they arrived in the world is honestly awful. It’s basically saying their DC are more precious than those who were conceived naturally, like it’s ok because they can just be replaced easily

And as I said, it's because of the trauma of infertility and probably multiple losses, not because they think their child should live and other people's shouldn't.

Oh give over. Her cousin is nuts and lacking in emotional intelligence. She can fuck right off.

Yanbu. There is someone in our wider family like this; we all give her a wide berth. The sad thing is, the DC also ends up given a slightly wide berth because of her. Logistically it’s hard to see a child when you don’t want to suffer the mother.

Why are you so angry? Her cousin is wrong but is likely struggling from the trauma of infertility. Have some compassion.

My family member indicated her long-awaited, IVF only was more important in covid times, as we could all easily have another worst case, but she likely could not.

As I said; wide berth since then.

I’ve experienced lots of trauma in my life. It is not an excuse for being a dick.

My sister adopted her DD and it is often implied shes just abit more special than my DS because they choose her unlike me and my unplanned pregnancy 🙃 🤣

I understand the wide berth, but again she will have trauma and that will be what causes her actions. Doesn't make it okay. She probably needs help and therapy.

I’m very sorry for your loss too. I hope I’m not going to be talking out of turn but I wanted to share this thought with you.

I wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, but I do feel this way - but not because I think someone else loves their kid less or anything of the sort, but because I think I’m weak.

It’s definitely a reflection on my lack of ability to navigate hardships or loss, rather than a comment on the other person’s handling of, or feelings about, a situation.

I struggle to handle day to day life, let alone such a pain.

That someone is weathering the storm better than I feel I would doesn’t make me think badly of that person: it makes respect them immensely, as I imagine the strength required must be enormous - it makes me feel an inferiority. Not in a ‘you make me feel bad about myself way’. In a ‘oh my gosh this person is incredible and I fear I am not’.

It is a very selfish, self-centred moment to self-reflect - when someone reveals a loss to you, the conversation is about them. And that is why I wouldn’t say that I feel this way because instead of talking about their situation, their pain, their strength, you’re suddenly consumed with thoughts of your own ‘what would I dos’ and ‘what ifs’.

So while people who say that to you are being tossers, it might not mean they’re being tossers because they’re judging you - they may just be being a self-absorbed tosser who is thinking about their own short-comings rather than what the conversation is actually about.

What a load of piffle. Very arrogant and stupid to think she can quantify the measure and depth of love a mother has for their baby or child.

Anyway, please come back in 13 year’s time when her DD is a complete nightmare, and she’s pulling her hair out.

I didn't say it was. I said it's likely the reason, didn't say it was ok.

I think I’d try a puzzled:

‘Wow, are you saying you’d love little Jonny less if you hadn’t had IVF? That’s so….. interesting’

[MN *head tilt]

Absolutely not! How utterly ridiculous.

4 miscarriages and 6 rounds of IVF for DC1 I would die before letting anyone hurt a hair on his head - same as any other parent. I don't love him more because of the efforts taken to get him. DC2 was conceived by accident, should I love her less? Because I certainly don't.

Hopefully she’ll get over herself eventually!
Depends what kind of relationship you have with her, either ignore or say something like she’s being offensive/making herself sound like an arsehole

I had a miscarriage in between my DDs so you could say my 2nd is more “special” but of course it doesn’t feel like that to me, I love them both the same

What’s the line please? I’ve watched it but years ago and can’t remember. Now it’s really bugging me….. 😂 Please put me out my misery!

I admit, I would find it hard to not say 'oh shut up Sharon, you tedious twat. I'm glad you got your precious baby you wanted, but don't fucking DARE tell me I don't love mine as much.'

Urgh, what a really mean thing to say. Why does she think she is?

I’m not angry in the slightest. You’re all randoms on an internet forum to me, I can’t get actually worked up about it. But her cousin can still fuck right off. Trauma my arse.

Oh, go on then 😆 it’s “he’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!”

Oh I think I’d let it go. It’s a reaction to her experience. You know you love your dc just as much.