To be jealous of teacher friend?

[Notheretoday]

Name changed because I know some parents of children I teach are MNetters!

I'm a secondary school teacher. Have been for fifteen years. I love teaching, but the workload is stressing me to the point of feeling physically sick to return to work on Monday.

I'm in a large comprehensive school and have had classes as large at 34 and the stress of marking is taking its toll on me.

Over the past few years I've noticed a dramatic decline in behaviour at my school, as well as an increased animosity, even aggression, from parents. Too often I see excellent teachers crying in the staffroom because of malicious and unfounded accusations made by parents against kind, talented and hard-working people.

AIBU to feel very jealous of my ex-colleague who jumped ship a few years ago from my school and now works at a private boarding school?

She's a lot less stressed and more calm than she was when we worked together and said that she can really focus on teaching rather than behaviour management now. I'm so jealous of this.

I can't remember all the details, but she has:
very small classes
lengthy holidays (four weeks at Christmas, July and Aug off!).
doesn't have to work on Saturdays or after school. All meetings, including parents' meetings, are within the school day
lighter timetable
private health care
free financial advice
so many expensive resources at her fingertips, to use for planning and in lessons
free use of the facilities, including swimming pool and posh gym
better pay and pension
lovely work environment, with lots of perks like free food and tickets to events in the town
crucially - no behaviour issues whatsoever. It's a highly selective school, so all of the kids are very able and determined to do well. I thought they'd be really entitled, but she said they're all very respectful

I've never liked the idea of private education. I went to a state school and my DC are state-educated, but I'm feeling that life is too short to face another twenty years or so of my situation, rather than looking over the fence at working in selective independent schools. I'm so sick of dreading ever day.

AIBU to be jealous, or should I be glad to educate those who don't have the benefit of wealth?

I don’t know why any teacher would work in the state system tbh. Seems utterly miserable.

I'm not sure what you want here really?

If you want to move schools then do it. Do you imagine your ex colleague consulted Mumsnet before they switched?

No point in being a martyr in your own life. You only get one after all.

I don’t think most private schools are like that! Small class sizes yes, but the rest isn’t standard. Maybe it’s time for a change of school or a change of career?

I’m a secondary teacher in a comprehensive too. The grass isn’t always greener. My school is pretty good. I’m staying for the school holidays and I can’t currently afford to start at the bottom for a new career.

Get a job in a similar school then?

You seem to be jealous of someone who has better working conditions than you. I don't think that makes you a terrible person. You might still be a terrible person, are you hiding any dark secrets?

Look for jobs elsewhere, in a private schools if better for you.

Private schools arent fair, and ideally wouldnt be needed but you need to do what is best for you and don't feel bad about it.

My friends at a private boarding school can’t wait to leave. So much politics and a rubbish head teacher - leadership matters whether you are in state or private ads poor leadership is miserable.

I have no idea how teachers do it. I have a diagnosed autistic DS in mainstream primary school (he copes well) and it's the teachers making his transition so easy and well managed. I do not say it likely when I say this - they are incredible and always go above and beyond. I am utterly stunned at the incredible job they do with my DS and beyond.

Principles are great but surely not worth your health? Go for another job or a change in career. I left HE a decade ago and never regretted it. It's a new year. Make it count.

We can't blame for you for being fed up and stressed with some kids behaviour and some parents today.
The rest us up to.you.

I really feel for you. I work as supply in primary. More work than I know what to do with because so many teachers off sick/leaving or recruitment issues. I think the unions have a lot to answer for here. Twenty years ago, what teachers are expected to do now would have resulted in mass industrial action!

I would honestly run into the arms of the independents, if I were you. You’ve given enough.

OP, she’s not going to tell you the negatives is she. It’s likely that she no longer has the TPS as many private schools have their own pension system. She’s not going to tell you if the parents are more demanding etc. take what she says with a pinch of salt.

if you want to leave then leave. But don’t be jealous of someone who will only state the positives. I teach secondary in a disadvantaged area. Yes it’s tough and yes behaviour is an issue but it’s an issue everywhere including private despite what people will say. Only you can make that choice

*AIBU to be jealous, or should I be glad to educate those who don't have the benefit of wealth?(

It’s both / and not either/ or.

However, have paid your dues OP, and it’s time now for you to have a turn at living. Do not continue like this. Though not all state schools etc etc

One of the reasons that I'm starting to re-evaluate is that a lovely colleague has just re-signed after almost thirty years of teaching because of complaints made by a couple of parents against her - one of whom turned up at the school drunk and threatening her. The police had to remove him. My colleague was accused of picking on the son by offering him additional catch-up sessions in lunch breaks because he'd missed so much due to multiple internal suspensions (which were results of incidents from within other subject lessons). Any child would be very lucky to be taught by someone like her.

I feel so sick about having to face certain classes because of the awful behaviour and the increased workload is not realistic at all. I feel as though I need to wear a thick skin every day, just to not let the personal jibes get to me. Luckily my DC are at a different school, so they don't have to see me getting told to "Fuck off" on a regular basis.

I don't want to leave teaching, so perhaps I'll see what is on the private school side, despite my ethical misgivings!

I know what you mean. She does have TPS though.

She said that downside was only teaching one sex.

You friend has a choice, as do you. I have a friend who teaches in an Indy and I believe there are other high demands...not to mention parental expectations..

Please don't be envious of your friend it will poison the friendship. Acknowledge that she has made a different choice to you. and if you want to you could do the same. Will the grass be greener? We all have friends who seem to have easier lives than us, or more money/time etc. We after to accept that we have made different choices, or change ourselves..We often only see the 'gold' parts of their job not the trade offs. Envy is toxic.

Also if it is a boarding school I'd be surprised that she doesnt have longer hours?? Presumably the pupils need to be looked after, entertained..taught classes in the Sat mornings?

She doesn't do anything on the boarding side or Saturdays. The academic and pastoral/house parents sides are completely different.

Actually, yes, that is one thing - her day is longer. She does less teaching and gets 1.5 hour lunchbreak though.

She told me all of this because I asked, btw. She didn't just reel off a list!😀

I don’t blame you for feeling a bit jealous, her deal sounds amazing. A mate of mine works in a private school and isn’t experiencing anything like the perks of your friends, so like with anything it all varies I guess. She does say the behaviour is better, there are smaller classes, the general vibe is nicer and the parents are more engaged, but they’re also much more pushy as well and the pay isn’t as good as it was in a state school. Her biggest gripe I think is that it’s ultimately a business and so she is constantly being put upon to ‘advertise’ it, so to speak.

Parental expectations are very high at independent schools - parents expect to get what they think they’re paying for. They’re paying, as they see it, £40,000 a year for Timothy to get into Cambridge, and if he doesn’t, that’s your fault.

okay...I just think comparison is the thief of joy - if you are ready for a change go for it. But I would check terms and conditions carefully. Are there any positive in your job?

@Notheretoday its a wasted energy being jealous .
Can you not just start applying for these types of job for yourself .
If you don’t want to stay where you are then you need to be proactive in making changes .

No, you are not being unreasonable, (although I don’t really like the use of the word “jealous”)!
I recently retired early after 27 yrs at the same company. In hindsight I wish I’d moved to something easier and better paid, far earlier on, rather than staying there out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.
Do whatever you can to make your own life easier and your situation more comfortable, rather than sticking with a job that is getting you down, purely on a moral basis.