Brother-in-law and his wife with my 2 year old, really mad.

[runner711]

Hi,

To preface this - my husband and I have a slightly rocky relationship with his brother's wife but since I've had my daughter (she's 2) things seemed to have mellowed a bit, and I always thought they were great with my daughter the few times they've met her (they live overseas).

Unfortunately a couple of instances this Christmas when they were visiting really changed this, and I feel so strongly about it that I'm unsure I want to visit them again or trust them with my daughter, am I justified?

1. My daughter was sick over the Christmas period, she got the horrible flu that's going around, so has been understandably a bit volatile. On Christmas day she had a bit of a meltdown at the dining table and ran off to cry on the sofa nearby (I followed to comfort her). Turns out my brother-in-law's wife took a photo of said meltdown and posted it to her 'secret instagram account' with her closest friends, with a caption over the top of it saying 'LOL Xmas drama'.

We only found out about this (I don't have Instagram, and my husband didn't know about this account) because my husband saw a screenshot of the photo on his brothers phone and asked him wtf it was. His brother told him, and then tried to justify it by saying 'she only posted it to her stories' and 'the only people who can see it are her close friends and me'.

I was FURIOUS and SO upset. I don't understand how anyone could be so awful and see a distressed, sick child and think to themselves 'Oh I'll take a picture and make a joke out of it'. I also don't understand why my brother-in-law took a screenshot of it, what on earth was he planning on doing with this!?

I would also add that we have told them MULTIPLE times that we are not comfortable having our daughter posted on any social media by anyone, so can they please refrain from doing so even if it's a group photo.

2. On their last morning, they had some tiny packets of haribo sweets. My daughter was interested in what they were (like any normal 2 year old) and we politely asked if they wouldn't mind keeping the haribo away from her because she doesn't know what they are and we don't want her having them. I then left the room for all of 30 seconds to grab something, and when I came back the wife was crouched down holding a pack of haribo next to my daughter and laughing. She saw me and hid the packet behind her back and backed away sniggering.

I was SO angry and opened my daughters mouth to see she was eating something which looked like haribo as it was sticky and colourful. My brother-in-law told me it wasn't haribo, and my daughter was pestering them so much about what they were that they gave her a smartie to keep her happy (I was around the corner and hadn't heard any words exchanged at all, so this is simply a lie) ... it was 830am!!!

I'm still so upset and mad but I don't know if this is clouded by my former opinions of them as people and previous clashes we've all had..

Thanks if you've made it this far!

I must admit, I opened the thread expecting some pfb drama.

On the contrary, you are DEFINITELY NOT being unreasonable and I'm annoyed on your behalf. This is terrible behaviour by your SiL.

They don’t respect you or your boundaries. It will always be like this unless you stop them having contact. Is it worth going NC or can you just suck it up?

The sweet thing is annoying but I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. The social media thing, I’d be fucking furious about and would consider limiting contact if they’re not prepared to see how awful that was.

The photo thing was not OK but the sweets were fine.

They are very disrespectful to say the least. I’d be NC or at least LC. It’s your DHs brother, what does he think?

I don't think either of those things are OK. Even if you remove the issue of your daughter having a meltdown because she was unwell you had asked them not to post photos of your children on SM and you had asked them not to give haribo. It doesn't matter if they disagree with your parenting choices, neither of those requests are harmful to a child, they should respect them. I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Give yourself some time to get past the anger and think about how you would like to deal with it. I think a firm conversation where you say what you want and detail the consequences if they can't respect your choices is necessary but I think you need to do it in a calm way to avoid it escalating to an argument. You have to be clear they are free to disagree but they are not free to disregard instructions about your child.

What dickheads.

Neither is ok. Those saying the sweet thing is ok are wrong. You specifically said for them not to and they still did it almost immediately. I get people don't mind young children having sweets. YOU do. Your child your rules.

I disagree that the sweets were fine. They’d just been told that they didn’t want her having them. They’re perfectly entitled to roll their eyes and think that the OP and her DH are being utterly ridiculous if they think that, and they’re also entitled to refuse to hide them (although that would be pretty cruel to a child who’s too young to understand why she can’t have any), but when a parent has said no, then that’s the final word on it. There could be any number of reasons for the ‘no’ that they aren’t aware of. Even if there weren’t, you just can’t override parenting decisions for someone else’s child unless they’re at risk.

The internet thing would have me raging.

No-one needs to put up with their lack of education or immaturity. Your home should be a safe place where you feel relaxed, they are overstepping boundaries and being complete idiots. You have to decide where to go from here. I'd go NC,

I don’t think either are ok.

I don’t think a sweet itself is the issue - I cannot stand people who think they can do the whole “hehe nasty mummy won’t let you have this so shhhh don’t tell” bollocks.

And anyone who posted a picture of my child with the clear intention of them being laughed at and then saw nothing wrong with that wouldn’t see them again because I wouldn’t want to have to monitor that all the time. It would take away any enjoyment I’d get from whatever the occasion was, so I wouldn’t do it.

The sweet thing... Meh.

The Instagram thing is bloody awful.

Drop both off from a great height for being a pair of twats esp sil who is the bigger twat with her twatish 'secret' instagram account and being a twat with the sweets.
Also bil is a twat for the screenshot. How old are these people 12 /13?
Twatish behaviour all round.
Don't think I've ever used the T word so many times in a thread, feel so much better though.😁
I wouldn't have them around my kids if I was you.

The instagram photos is downright unpleasant and I would have been furious.

These things would both piss me of OP, especially the Instagram. It's bad enough when people pull that stuff with their own children let alone someone else's.

That would be the last time I would have spoken to them.

Is your husband as furious as you? What is he doing about it?

Your SIL doesn't care about your boundaries, and is deliberately overstepping them.

This. You’re good enough to cater for them and they do this? Unforgiveable.

I’m easy going generally but the Instagram thing I would find horrendous.

They sound nasty a f.

I would say that you would like the pictures removed and an apology when they are ready. Until then, you’d rather not spend time with them.

Just giving a child sweets wouldn't be a massive issue, but the fact that the parent said 'please don't give my child those sweets' and then the second they left the room, child was given the sweets - that makes it a big deal.

Both things are bad but the Instagram is particularly awful. I would be insisting it was deleted.

Surely all adults know that you don’t post an image or video of a child on social media without the permission of the parents.

Those sweets are dangerous for 2 year olds. Not to mention full of crap that a 2 year old doesn’t need! And the meanness of posting your wee daughter to the gram or wherever is terrible. I could maybe forgive a pic where your dd is smiling but not after you already told them not to post any pictures to sm!

Neither are ok - both undermining and disrespecting your boundaries. Photo mocking your child is really nasty, not even considering you’ve explicitly said no photos on internet. I’d be absolutely furious, tell them what I think and then not bother with them again unless a very sincere apology was made - but tbh even then, the photo is just plain mean and I would find it hard to forgive