Brother-in-law and his wife with my 2 year old, really mad.

[runner711]

Hi,

To preface this - my husband and I have a slightly rocky relationship with his brother's wife but since I've had my daughter (she's 2) things seemed to have mellowed a bit, and I always thought they were great with my daughter the few times they've met her (they live overseas).

Unfortunately a couple of instances this Christmas when they were visiting really changed this, and I feel so strongly about it that I'm unsure I want to visit them again or trust them with my daughter, am I justified?

1. My daughter was sick over the Christmas period, she got the horrible flu that's going around, so has been understandably a bit volatile. On Christmas day she had a bit of a meltdown at the dining table and ran off to cry on the sofa nearby (I followed to comfort her). Turns out my brother-in-law's wife took a photo of said meltdown and posted it to her 'secret instagram account' with her closest friends, with a caption over the top of it saying 'LOL Xmas drama'.

We only found out about this (I don't have Instagram, and my husband didn't know about this account) because my husband saw a screenshot of the photo on his brothers phone and asked him wtf it was. His brother told him, and then tried to justify it by saying 'she only posted it to her stories' and 'the only people who can see it are her close friends and me'.

I was FURIOUS and SO upset. I don't understand how anyone could be so awful and see a distressed, sick child and think to themselves 'Oh I'll take a picture and make a joke out of it'. I also don't understand why my brother-in-law took a screenshot of it, what on earth was he planning on doing with this!?

I would also add that we have told them MULTIPLE times that we are not comfortable having our daughter posted on any social media by anyone, so can they please refrain from doing so even if it's a group photo.

2. On their last morning, they had some tiny packets of haribo sweets. My daughter was interested in what they were (like any normal 2 year old) and we politely asked if they wouldn't mind keeping the haribo away from her because she doesn't know what they are and we don't want her having them. I then left the room for all of 30 seconds to grab something, and when I came back the wife was crouched down holding a pack of haribo next to my daughter and laughing. She saw me and hid the packet behind her back and backed away sniggering.

I was SO angry and opened my daughters mouth to see she was eating something which looked like haribo as it was sticky and colourful. My brother-in-law told me it wasn't haribo, and my daughter was pestering them so much about what they were that they gave her a smartie to keep her happy (I was around the corner and hadn't heard any words exchanged at all, so this is simply a lie) ... it was 830am!!!

I'm still so upset and mad but I don't know if this is clouded by my former opinions of them as people and previous clashes we've all had..

Thanks if you've made it this far!

They sound nasty and immature. I would go nc or lc to protect yourself and your DD. I've done this with family members who did similar and honestly the weight is gone and feel so much better without such vindictive people in my life.

Avoid these people like the plague in future. They're cruel arseholes and you don't need them in your lives.

"Unfortunately a couple of instances this Christmas when they were visiting really changed this, and I feel so strongly about it that I'm unsure I want to visit them again or trust them with my daughter, am I justified?"

YANBU. Both the examples you gave show them to be untrustworthy where your daughter is concerned. They had a heads-up on both - no pictures online, no haribo - and they CHOSE to cross both boundaries. SIL actively, BIL passively, but both made that choice.

And that's on top of "my husband and I have a slightly rocky relationship with his brother's wife but since I've had my daughter (she's 2) things seemed to have mellowed a bit", meaning these Christmas incidents were not really new behaviour.

I'd not be visiting them - which is easy given they're abroad rather than round the corner. Nor would they be visiting me. The difficulty comes if MIL wants all her family together for events, but I'd probably dip out of that with e.g. Christmas 'we just want a quiet Christmas at home'. Or, your husband can just tell his mother that his brother and sister-in-law are dicks and you don't want to be around them again.

I actually think the sweets thing is the worse of the two, because she/they waited until you left the room to deliberately go against your clearly stated wishes for your own child. I'd be annoyed by the 'private' social media post, too, but the Haribo incident would particularly enrage me.

Not sure if I'd cut them off entirely, since it sounds like you only see them rarely and it may not be worth the trouble it could cause with your husband's wider family—but I wouldn't trust them to respect my wishes, as they obviously don't. I'd hesitate to ever leave my child in their care (not that it's likely to come up).

I wonder how your SiL would feel if you took a really unflattering picture of her and just shared it with your closest friends. Label it "Muffintop" or "Cameltoe" or "Thick ugly munter".

That’s horrible to take a photo of a child like that and then share it with others even if they thought the kid was being a brat.

The sweet thing on its own would be annoying but it does seem more like the woman wants to provoke and cause trouble deliberately.

I would not have her round again.

neither are ok and neither person would be welcome anywhere near my child or me ever again.

Grammarnut, you’re absolutely barmy to suggest giving another persons child sweets at all.
This SIL has deliberately tempted a strangers (to all intents & purposes) child, it’s outrageous you think it’s ok to suggest ways to make it ok? I can’t believe I’ve read what you said, disgraceful imho.

She's the type of parent I eyeroll at.
I do think fair enough given social media and I understand why some chose not to post although can't stand attention seeking twats who post back of the head shots ,just post nothing.
However I don't think the post was malicious or unkind it's a adult seeing humour in the dramatics of toddler tantrums said child won't be scarred for life ,lighten up ,I'm more think fair enough it shouldn't have been posted as mum and dad made it clear no .
The sweet thing is just pathetic 🤷

Sorry - meant to press ANBU - the haribo is one thing - but the photo is nasty and more importantly- totally unacceptable. I would be fuming - you specifically gave a boundry which is to do with consent and she purposefully broke it.

I think they were unreasonable on both counts, yes but also think you’re being dramatic about the sweets. The social media is the greater crime here.

What’s of

Sorry - what’s pfb

@lifeisgoodrightnow Precious First Born

ew theses people are abusing a child this is not ok!!!! Grown arsed adults, stop contact immediately

I’m afraid lots of people nowadays live their lives through the lens of Instagram etc. for the views and likes. Not ok at all, to go against your wishes, but a sad sign of the times to see everything in terms of ‘how can I caption this to look funny?’ They need to know that you are not happy about it and want it removed.
As for the Haribo, the main point is again that when you say no to something, it is not acceptable for them to undermine you. Just for the record, though, sugar and colourings aside, you can tell them that this kind of sweet is not recommended for under 4s because it’s a choking hazard.

Very immature and sly behaviour. Let me guess - she's a diva and loves being the centre of attention. I think your H should have a word!

I’d be cross too. All your boundaries are not unreasonable and I’d be especially cross at the Instagram post

You are not being unreasonable. Nobody should post a picture of someone else’s child on the Internet without permission- and you’d already told them you weren’t giving permission.

Haribo is unsuitable for a two year old; they generally can’t chew them properly yet.

Given that they live overseas and by the sound of it don’t have kids, I’d politely explain that they may not have realised it, but they were doing things that are very risky with a child that young.

Wow! I’d be fuming. Especially about the post 😢

Really?? I can't think of any culture where that would be normal - which cultures do you think are naturally cruel to children?

OP she sounds deranged - is she jealous of your DD because she can't have children or something along those lines?

It’s absolutely horrible behaviour by the sister in law

it’s nasty. It’s demeaning. It’s poking fun at a two year old who can’t stand up for herself.

its contact cutting behaviour

I had a similar situation with a SIL that posted photos of my child on her Facebook on several occasions despite us asking her in no uncertain terms not to do it and asking for the photos to be removed. The last time it happened she refused to take them down. For us, it's become a safeguarding issue as well as deliberately shitting on our boundaries for her own entertainment. What else might she do behind our backs? Can't trust her, this along with other events highlighting lack of empathy just screams to me a narcissistic personality. So, she is no longer allowed around our children, she had plenty of chances.
I think the sweets thing is not ok either, because she was laughing at you and your parenting choices behind your back, my in laws do similar things to me and it makes me livid!

They both sound like twats. I would bet that if/when they have kids they’d would be completely righteous, smug parents. We all know them. I’d keep them at arms length.

I’d be very pissed off about the photo incident. Maybe someone should take and share an unflattering photo of your SIL having a bad day?

The sweet thing… I’d be annoyed she had deliberately ignored what I’d said. There’s just no need to be such a dick.