Brother-in-law and his wife with my 2 year old, really mad.

[runner711]

Hi,

To preface this - my husband and I have a slightly rocky relationship with his brother's wife but since I've had my daughter (she's 2) things seemed to have mellowed a bit, and I always thought they were great with my daughter the few times they've met her (they live overseas).

Unfortunately a couple of instances this Christmas when they were visiting really changed this, and I feel so strongly about it that I'm unsure I want to visit them again or trust them with my daughter, am I justified?

1. My daughter was sick over the Christmas period, she got the horrible flu that's going around, so has been understandably a bit volatile. On Christmas day she had a bit of a meltdown at the dining table and ran off to cry on the sofa nearby (I followed to comfort her). Turns out my brother-in-law's wife took a photo of said meltdown and posted it to her 'secret instagram account' with her closest friends, with a caption over the top of it saying 'LOL Xmas drama'.

We only found out about this (I don't have Instagram, and my husband didn't know about this account) because my husband saw a screenshot of the photo on his brothers phone and asked him wtf it was. His brother told him, and then tried to justify it by saying 'she only posted it to her stories' and 'the only people who can see it are her close friends and me'.

I was FURIOUS and SO upset. I don't understand how anyone could be so awful and see a distressed, sick child and think to themselves 'Oh I'll take a picture and make a joke out of it'. I also don't understand why my brother-in-law took a screenshot of it, what on earth was he planning on doing with this!?

I would also add that we have told them MULTIPLE times that we are not comfortable having our daughter posted on any social media by anyone, so can they please refrain from doing so even if it's a group photo.

2. On their last morning, they had some tiny packets of haribo sweets. My daughter was interested in what they were (like any normal 2 year old) and we politely asked if they wouldn't mind keeping the haribo away from her because she doesn't know what they are and we don't want her having them. I then left the room for all of 30 seconds to grab something, and when I came back the wife was crouched down holding a pack of haribo next to my daughter and laughing. She saw me and hid the packet behind her back and backed away sniggering.

I was SO angry and opened my daughters mouth to see she was eating something which looked like haribo as it was sticky and colourful. My brother-in-law told me it wasn't haribo, and my daughter was pestering them so much about what they were that they gave her a smartie to keep her happy (I was around the corner and hadn't heard any words exchanged at all, so this is simply a lie) ... it was 830am!!!

I'm still so upset and mad but I don't know if this is clouded by my former opinions of them as people and previous clashes we've all had..

Thanks if you've made it this far!

I also have difficult extended family that I'm expected to tolerate because they "just love" my DC. Mine aren't even as bad of yours but I know how frustrating this is to handle. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to host them again after crossing a boundary like that.

Yep this! I read your first sentence expecting that you were overreacting but I completely agree YANBU

Is the SIL non-western? This sounds cultural to me. And bloody annoying.

She sounds awful.

I wouldn’t see them.
DH can go and visit his brother without you and DD.

If it’s something you want to attend then just make sure you aren’t leaving DD in their care at all.

They don't sound like be nice people. The social media posting is particularly nasty. I mean, who does that when a toddler is upset. So nasty.

I wouldn't visit them or want them in my house for a long while. It's your husband's brother so he can device if he wants to maintain a relationship with them, but I'd distance myself if we my sibling who did this.

I'm not saying he should never speak to them again, as life is to short...but it's feel very upset about it.

What’s cultural about going against someone’s wishes not to post their child’s image on facebook?
That’s just extremely rude, wherever the person is from.

That is awful to both but especially Instagram!

Sweets, eh, error of judgement and they've not listened to you. The photo online, no ta. I don't think children's photos should be put up without permission. I actually don't like young children's photos online as there forever and should be allowed to make their own choice when they get older, irrespective of your daughter being poorly and grumpy or not. She should've removed it immediately.

It's your child and id abide by your rules as her parent however I would go home and think your a bit of a dick ,sorry

They are a pair of immature cunts and I'd avoid them at all costs. You know full well when they have their own it'll be an insane level of precious rules and nonsense.

They sound very emotionally immature, but what type of person thinks it is appropriate to tease a young child and in addition to that a child who has recently been unwell.

The issue with the sweets I would let go, annoying but it can be forgotten and instead I would focus my energies on the wholly inappropriate social media postings. I would ask them to delete the post and keep them firmly at arms length.

I am the least woke person I know however I have never posted pictures of my children on social media and have over the years asked people to remove pictures which had my children in them. It is something I feel very strongly about, children deserve to be able to grow up without the magnifying glass of social media.

They are a couple of twats. Ditch them.

They are a couple of twats. Ditch them.

They sound very immature.

Rather than you going ballistic I think your DH needs to be steely, calm and direct and tell them that they are being immature and disrespectful and they need to stop it.

Unfortunately your fury will have them seeing it as more 'drama' and come with accusations of over-reaction.

This - I’d also insist they remove it and/or report it on the SM site if they don’t.

The only thing that would piss me off, would be an image of my 2 year old on SM. Particularly as you have made it clear you don't do this. I don't think she was being nasty - unless there were eye rolls etc. Just having a joke with other childless friends maybe? Or was it a video? I'd be hopping if it was.
I wouldn't of been looking in my child's mouth for the sake of a Haribo - please say you didn't fish it out 😅
That said, she wouldn't be looking after my child, if she ignores your boundaries.

I disagree that the sweets thing is nothing. Your rules. Sneaking around with "treat" food, having secrets away from your parents etc - besides the actual sweets not being good for her and potentially a choking hazard, that's some pretty awful behaviour to be modelling right there from an early age.

The instagram thing is vile. It needs taking down if it's still up in any way.

I wouldn't be spending any more time around these people.

Op they are fucking weird don’t leave your dd in there company ever. I would suggest to dh they never ever stay over and you and dd won’t be visiting them ever they disrespected you in your own they made fun of a kid fucking awful behaviour. You are right to be fuming. Kids act like that laughing at smaller kids not grown adults.

This!

Even if you don’t care about your own child being on social media, do you really think that people who do mind are dicks? Especially in the context of a rather unkind post, not even just like a nice extended family picture.

If you have told them not to post your child on SM it's unacceptable to do so, I agree.

I am wondering how they have justified this. When you say it is a small group of her friends, do you know how many? 2? 20?

I know a lot of people will say this is irrelevant. And I agree it is wrong either way BUT the magnitude would probably have an impact on how pissed off I would be.

The sweets thing I would be less pissed about - I do think that if your children live in the world they need to have normal childhood experiences, one of which is being given sweets by relatives at Christmas, even if mom and dad don't really approve..... I realise my view on this will anger some, but I do think there is a risk to children when parents become so protective that they ban normal, safe, fun experiences.

Haribo or even smarties at 8.30 in the morning were not ok for OP, and I must say I agree !

Unless SIL is first aid trained to deal with a choking incident, then feeding inappropriate sweets to a 2 year old is unacceptable.

It's not so much annoying about the sweet itself as deliberately doing something she had been asked not to do I should think. I would avoid the pair of them from now on.

You need to insist the photo is removed from all SM.

Other than that - they live overseas.
You and your daughter will be unavailable next time they visit - you're busy.
How likely is it that you would ever visit their "home" country?