Brother-in-law and his wife with my 2 year old, really mad.

[runner711]

Hi,

To preface this - my husband and I have a slightly rocky relationship with his brother's wife but since I've had my daughter (she's 2) things seemed to have mellowed a bit, and I always thought they were great with my daughter the few times they've met her (they live overseas).

Unfortunately a couple of instances this Christmas when they were visiting really changed this, and I feel so strongly about it that I'm unsure I want to visit them again or trust them with my daughter, am I justified?

1. My daughter was sick over the Christmas period, she got the horrible flu that's going around, so has been understandably a bit volatile. On Christmas day she had a bit of a meltdown at the dining table and ran off to cry on the sofa nearby (I followed to comfort her). Turns out my brother-in-law's wife took a photo of said meltdown and posted it to her 'secret instagram account' with her closest friends, with a caption over the top of it saying 'LOL Xmas drama'.

We only found out about this (I don't have Instagram, and my husband didn't know about this account) because my husband saw a screenshot of the photo on his brothers phone and asked him wtf it was. His brother told him, and then tried to justify it by saying 'she only posted it to her stories' and 'the only people who can see it are her close friends and me'.

I was FURIOUS and SO upset. I don't understand how anyone could be so awful and see a distressed, sick child and think to themselves 'Oh I'll take a picture and make a joke out of it'. I also don't understand why my brother-in-law took a screenshot of it, what on earth was he planning on doing with this!?

I would also add that we have told them MULTIPLE times that we are not comfortable having our daughter posted on any social media by anyone, so can they please refrain from doing so even if it's a group photo.

2. On their last morning, they had some tiny packets of haribo sweets. My daughter was interested in what they were (like any normal 2 year old) and we politely asked if they wouldn't mind keeping the haribo away from her because she doesn't know what they are and we don't want her having them. I then left the room for all of 30 seconds to grab something, and when I came back the wife was crouched down holding a pack of haribo next to my daughter and laughing. She saw me and hid the packet behind her back and backed away sniggering.

I was SO angry and opened my daughters mouth to see she was eating something which looked like haribo as it was sticky and colourful. My brother-in-law told me it wasn't haribo, and my daughter was pestering them so much about what they were that they gave her a smartie to keep her happy (I was around the corner and hadn't heard any words exchanged at all, so this is simply a lie) ... it was 830am!!!

I'm still so upset and mad but I don't know if this is clouded by my former opinions of them as people and previous clashes we've all had..

Thanks if you've made it this far!

The sweets thing alone would make me go NC with the SiL. Utterly disrespectful and arrogant.

I don't think either of these things are ok, especially the social media incident. It's disrespectful to your daughter and yourself. Your sister in law sounds quite immature.

I hate when family’s are like this. Let’s be honest they have no respect for you your family or your daughter. How dare SIL take a picture and share to anyone! It’s disgusting behaviour and not ok. It’s that simple. I’m assuming they don’t have children as giving kids sweets anytime the parent has said no means no. What if your little one had choked or had an allergic reaction. I would be very vocal about the fact they can not understand simple instructions and therefor I wouldn’t want my children around them.

Both are not acceptable. I’d be telling oh to say something to his bro about his inappropriate oh.
stay lc until they have kids!!

Why are the sweets fine? Haribo and smarties are both a choking risk for a 2 year old, and in any event why would it be ok for someone to give someone else's child a food their parent had made clear they weren't allowed?

OP YANBU, I'd be very serious in telling them they're not safe adults to be around your child if they think this is an acceptable way to behave.

So the sweet thing, as a now second time mum of older children, I’d see on the grand scale of things as not a big deal. I used to get upset about these things with DS1, but you chill more as you have more children.

However, posting the photo of your ill, upset child I do not agree with at all, that is uncalled for and unkind, quite frankly.

They post your child on social media without your consent. They mock your child/the situation in said photo.
They clearly go against your wishes about this and the sweets and take the mick out of you whilst doing it. Also, feeding the sweet to your daughter could have been dangerous due to the texture and stickiness!... and they then lied to you about it!
It'd be a big fat see ya never, glad you live abroad from me!

What does your DH think? Will this cause an issue within the family or because they live abroad you can just forever avoid them?
I'd be furious and they wouldn't be trying to gaslight me again.

Both things are out of order. Those saying the sweet thing is ok need to give their head a wobble. You had clearly said no sweets and they went against your wishes. The social media thing is appalling and would be enough to make me go NC or to never have them around my children. I’d struggle to trust them again after that.

Her child, her rules. I would be fucking pissed if someone ignored what I said and fed my child something I specifically told them not to and then lied about it.

They sound very immature but I wouldnt ruin a family relationship over this. Just avoid while you can and they will cringe at their actions when they grow up a bit or have kids of their own.

Colour me shocked no sign of the OP

Both are completely unacceptable! I post my son a lot on SM but I would never dream of posting someone else’s child without their knowledge and consent! I would also never post my own child in an embarrassing way or if they were upset/angry etc. Awful behaviour from SIL.

Same on the sweets, over Christmas family gave DS occasional bits of chocolate but only small bits and they mostly checked it was ok and I was fine with that. If I had asked them not to and they still did it I would be fuming! Are chewy sweets not a choking hazard still at that age?

Exactly, they don’t respect her boundaries as a mother at all.

They’re a significant choking hazard for children under 4. If a parent says no, they have a reason.

What total bastards.

Taking the photo of your dd is a bitch thing to do, and posting it in a way that makes of fun of a her should be a crime whether or not you banned the posting of dd's pics. The fact you had told her never to post pics of your child means she has zero respect for you or your family and never will have.

That BIL took a screenshot of the post making fun of your dd means he clearly thought it was funny or clever and intended to share it later, making more fun of her, which makes him just as bad.

I don't understand why people are belittling the sweets thing, which I think also shows a lack of respect. I think if dd had gone to stay with her aunt and uncle and they allowed her sweets I would say cut them some slack, but to give her something literally minutes after you asked them not to, and then to lie to you about it while smirking, is disgusting.

I think it is difficult for you to say something, but DH should pull his brother to one side and tell him that unless both he and his wife pull their necks in and start treating your wife and daughter with respect you will all be going non-contact. If they find that funny then cut them off and your lives will be better for it.

100% non-contact. She’s sounds like a right bee-hatch and has no respect for you. If it had been my family she’d have been called outside for a f1ght. Your brother in law needs to grow a spine and stand up to this vile piece of work.

They are unsafe to be left unattended with your daughter

Yeah they both sound icky and I would keep yourself and your daughter away from them. It’s like they don’t see her as a person, but a toy for them to photograph, mock, and feed sweets to, to see what happens.

No, 2-year-olds generally should not eat jelly sweets because they pose significant choking hazards due to their chewy or hard texture, and they contain added sugars that offer no nutritional value, potentially affecting nutrient absorption and taste preferences for healthier foods. Experts recommend waiting until at least age 3 or 4 for chewy candies, focusing on very soft, dissolvable options like tiny pieces of chocolate or cotton candy if you introduce treats at all, but fruit is a much better choice, says BabyCenter and Hiya Health and NHS Website

You think it was fine for them to go against OP's specific instructions concerning her child in her own house given only a moment before and then lie about it to her in front of the DD, teaching her that mummy's instructions can be ignored and it is okay to tell lies? Really?

If it were me I’d message them and ask them to delete the photo from social
media, even if a private account. And then I’d not see them again. They sound utterly shit. If family are like this, you don’t have to chose them. If my family were this disrespectful, I would cut them out. You can have people around you who are nice, you don’t have to spend your time with shit people even if related. The sweet thing also isn’t ok; you’d just asked and they clearly did it then lied about it to undermine you as parents and show your daughter up as the but of a joke. Much like the table incident. Immature. I’d message them asking them to delete the photo and then cut them out of your lives and not waste your energy on them. They sound cruel and this is a red flag of utter time wasters in my book. I’m sorry this happened but at least it’s shown true colours. My family see the meltdowns but love the kids. Your kids don’t need to know family like that. They need friends who love them not undermine them and you. It speaks of some kind of jealousy and insecurity to me. I saw a dad doing a worse version of this to his son once on the bus and it broke my heart. When adults feel small. You have agency to tell them to bugger off out of your lives.

Mocking a sick toddler the purposely giving her sweets that’s she’s not old enough to eat & that you’ve asked them several times not to give her is what normal right minded people do; and the fact that you specifically said you did not want her pictures put on social media is the cherry on the cake; what a vile pair; everything else aside what would tge pair of idiots have done if she had started choking? That would have been my first words to them Are you both stupid she could choke!! For me this would be a complete deal breaker if cut all contact with them & tell the rest of the family why they endangered your child’s welfare.

Regardless of what's happened before, feelings about each other, parenting style etc - SHE WAS TOTALLY IN THE WRONG FOR POSTING IMAGES OF YOUR CHILD ONLINE - private account or not

Excuse the shouting but that's what I feel about it

I have great nieces and nephews in other countries , so do use SM for keep ups, and not one parent shows their child face on line

At first I did think it was weird, but the more Ive wised up myself about the dangers of SM and AI - Im totally behind them

Exactly what I was going to say. Making fun on a child and that too on social media is disgusting!

Considering OP said there are other instances of similar behaviour I'd say they sound like a pair of assholes. Tell them that directly. If they don't adjust their behaviour and apologize then distance.