Brother-in-law and his wife with my 2 year old, really mad.

[runner711]

Hi,

To preface this - my husband and I have a slightly rocky relationship with his brother's wife but since I've had my daughter (she's 2) things seemed to have mellowed a bit, and I always thought they were great with my daughter the few times they've met her (they live overseas).

Unfortunately a couple of instances this Christmas when they were visiting really changed this, and I feel so strongly about it that I'm unsure I want to visit them again or trust them with my daughter, am I justified?

1. My daughter was sick over the Christmas period, she got the horrible flu that's going around, so has been understandably a bit volatile. On Christmas day she had a bit of a meltdown at the dining table and ran off to cry on the sofa nearby (I followed to comfort her). Turns out my brother-in-law's wife took a photo of said meltdown and posted it to her 'secret instagram account' with her closest friends, with a caption over the top of it saying 'LOL Xmas drama'.

We only found out about this (I don't have Instagram, and my husband didn't know about this account) because my husband saw a screenshot of the photo on his brothers phone and asked him wtf it was. His brother told him, and then tried to justify it by saying 'she only posted it to her stories' and 'the only people who can see it are her close friends and me'.

I was FURIOUS and SO upset. I don't understand how anyone could be so awful and see a distressed, sick child and think to themselves 'Oh I'll take a picture and make a joke out of it'. I also don't understand why my brother-in-law took a screenshot of it, what on earth was he planning on doing with this!?

I would also add that we have told them MULTIPLE times that we are not comfortable having our daughter posted on any social media by anyone, so can they please refrain from doing so even if it's a group photo.

2. On their last morning, they had some tiny packets of haribo sweets. My daughter was interested in what they were (like any normal 2 year old) and we politely asked if they wouldn't mind keeping the haribo away from her because she doesn't know what they are and we don't want her having them. I then left the room for all of 30 seconds to grab something, and when I came back the wife was crouched down holding a pack of haribo next to my daughter and laughing. She saw me and hid the packet behind her back and backed away sniggering.

I was SO angry and opened my daughters mouth to see she was eating something which looked like haribo as it was sticky and colourful. My brother-in-law told me it wasn't haribo, and my daughter was pestering them so much about what they were that they gave her a smartie to keep her happy (I was around the corner and hadn't heard any words exchanged at all, so this is simply a lie) ... it was 830am!!!

I'm still so upset and mad but I don't know if this is clouded by my former opinions of them as people and previous clashes we've all had..

Thanks if you've made it this far!

Just to say, you are totally in the right here, and I wouldn't host them again, whether they live overseas or not.

Your SIL is a weirdo.

I'd be very upset about the photo - if she has been at your home over Christmas how do you know she hasn't taken and posted others? Even if its just shared in a 'close friends' story that could still be a lot of people. It directly goes against your wish to not have your child on social media.

I do think DH should be tackling this with his brother, it needs to be put across that you are both unhappy with it otherwise they will likely brush if off as you over reacting.

No it's not! They did it to mock the OP. I wouldn't be seeing her again.

They are simply going against your wishes. Your child.is not a figure of fun for your sister in law and her friends to be mocked and ridiculed for very normal kids behaviour. We forget that children are easily overwhelmed at Christmas and maybe a quiet one would have suited better. The haribo is a request you made for your child and they ignored it. I would have very clearly said no and pulled back. They are adults who haven't got kids? And your daughter is your daughter

My then 2 year old nearly chocked at a Haribo. I didn’t give it to him but my friend’s son who was older pushed it in his mouth. He couldn’t chew it properly and nearly chocked on it.

Their behaviour was rude, childish and disrespectful. I wouldn’t host them again.

I never post my child on SM and my family still always ask, and I ask them to cover her face with emoji if she in a group pic. Both my sisters post their own children on social media, and I've told them the risks but it is there choice. My family still make comments (3 years later) and I'm deemed "overprotective" but I don't mind being judged for protecting my child. Photos on social media are property of META. Pedophiles save these picutres. And worse AI use these photos , probably for nefarious reasons too. Children can not consent to be publicly posted. I don't care if I'm extreme, my job is to protect and raise my child how I see fit.
I would be beyond livid to learn that my LO was being posted and mocked in a secret account. Your child's first bully is your SIL. How horrid for her. Carry on protecting your precious daughter and f* anyone who disrespects that.

NO it was not fine. She specifically told her not to give her sister the sweets so I don't get his you can say it's fine. If it was fine she wouldn't be hiding it when OP came in and lying when asked claiming it wasn't Haribo.

This is unusually immature, spiteful behaviour from adults.

I would absolutely be telling DH that you won't be spending time with them again or allowing them access to DD.

Horrible, HORRIBLE people.

The Instagram photos are the unforgivable thing for me.

The sweets in themselves wouldn't bother me personally, but it was still disrespectful of them because you had specifically asked them not to give any to DD but they went ahead and did it anyway. So they still ignored and trampled over your boundary there and that is not OK.

I'd now have very little contact with them going forward. You'll now know what stuff to look out for if your paths do have to cross and you shouldn't leave DD alone in their presence.

They've shown you who they really are.

Your SIL sounds like an absolute cow and your BIL isn't any better for defending her.

Spiteful and juvenile behaviour. Unless she’s a teenager there’s no excuse and I’d keep my child/children far away from someone like that.

I don’t understand why some people are saying the sweets were OK when you’d clearly set a boundary there that YOUR daughter was not to have sweets at 8.30 in the morning. And they IMMEDIATELY did it anyway. That’s not OK at all. Your child, your rules.

The photo thing is ABSOLUTELY NOT OK and I’d be going NC after that. Not only was it another example of the completely disregarding your boundaries, it was also cruel and unnecessary. Your SIL sounds like a piece of work. And why DID your BIL have a screenshot of it?! Weird behaviour from him, too. The whole thing is indefensible.

This!!!

The photos are not good. The sweets are a non event.

YANBU your bil’s wife sounds like a dick

Yes the sweets were not fine! I agree. For all they know the child has an allergy to something in them.

The sweet would bother me as haribos are not easy to eat, they need a lot chewing, and a two year old hasn’t got the number of teeth to deal with it, so chocking could easily happen, and 8.30am is not the time for sweets.

The SM thing is sheer disregard of your wishes as a responsible parent. The people on the group could share it to others so widens the exposure.

I would be so furious that I wouldn’t be seeing these relatives again.

Of course they aren't fine. It was 8.30 in the morning and they had been told NO

They were wrong on both occasions,social media and the sweets- people saying that this is fine, it is absolutely not fine to feed anythinf to someones child without parents permission

How old are they, 12? (with apologies to the many 12 year olds who woud never treat a tiny child with such nastiness and disrepect). I would be very angry about the Instagram thing, I have a real thing about children's images being shared on any sort of social media as they cannot consent. I think that in the future there will be a reckoning when today's little kids grow up and rightfully take issues about the way their lives were shared. To take and share an image of a child who is unwell and distressed because the peson who took the photo thinks it is funny would make me livid. The stuff with the sweets is just immature and daft and indicative that these two are not respectful

Just my thoughts. We've somehow ended up with packs of little haribo sweets this Christmas and as an adult I've been concerned about choking on the rubbery, sticky things.

Thank god he’s ok. Choking can happen so easily.

I never give kids sweets because I do not know if the parents allow them. Also a child could have allergies. That woman is awful

Instagram (Meta) doesn't "own" her photo but they do have global licensing rights to anything posted and those rights are transferable and permit sub licensing.

Those videos and pics could be posted anywhere.

She also is posting content with minors without parental consent. That's the big bad here.

Here, if she didn't remove any and all pics of OP's kids, a civil suit could be filed against her if there are consequences or those photos show up elsewhere. I don't know about the UK. It also could be considered harassment of the child and that could go under criminal statutes.

That's how fucking wrong your bitch SIL is.