Brother-in-law and his wife with my 2 year old, really mad.

[runner711]

Hi,

To preface this - my husband and I have a slightly rocky relationship with his brother's wife but since I've had my daughter (she's 2) things seemed to have mellowed a bit, and I always thought they were great with my daughter the few times they've met her (they live overseas).

Unfortunately a couple of instances this Christmas when they were visiting really changed this, and I feel so strongly about it that I'm unsure I want to visit them again or trust them with my daughter, am I justified?

1. My daughter was sick over the Christmas period, she got the horrible flu that's going around, so has been understandably a bit volatile. On Christmas day she had a bit of a meltdown at the dining table and ran off to cry on the sofa nearby (I followed to comfort her). Turns out my brother-in-law's wife took a photo of said meltdown and posted it to her 'secret instagram account' with her closest friends, with a caption over the top of it saying 'LOL Xmas drama'.

We only found out about this (I don't have Instagram, and my husband didn't know about this account) because my husband saw a screenshot of the photo on his brothers phone and asked him wtf it was. His brother told him, and then tried to justify it by saying 'she only posted it to her stories' and 'the only people who can see it are her close friends and me'.

I was FURIOUS and SO upset. I don't understand how anyone could be so awful and see a distressed, sick child and think to themselves 'Oh I'll take a picture and make a joke out of it'. I also don't understand why my brother-in-law took a screenshot of it, what on earth was he planning on doing with this!?

I would also add that we have told them MULTIPLE times that we are not comfortable having our daughter posted on any social media by anyone, so can they please refrain from doing so even if it's a group photo.

2. On their last morning, they had some tiny packets of haribo sweets. My daughter was interested in what they were (like any normal 2 year old) and we politely asked if they wouldn't mind keeping the haribo away from her because she doesn't know what they are and we don't want her having them. I then left the room for all of 30 seconds to grab something, and when I came back the wife was crouched down holding a pack of haribo next to my daughter and laughing. She saw me and hid the packet behind her back and backed away sniggering.

I was SO angry and opened my daughters mouth to see she was eating something which looked like haribo as it was sticky and colourful. My brother-in-law told me it wasn't haribo, and my daughter was pestering them so much about what they were that they gave her a smartie to keep her happy (I was around the corner and hadn't heard any words exchanged at all, so this is simply a lie) ... it was 830am!!!

I'm still so upset and mad but I don't know if this is clouded by my former opinions of them as people and previous clashes we've all had..

Thanks if you've made it this far!

Have either of them apologised for the social post? Or deleted it?

If not. That is very poor behaviour.

They sound completely dense.

I could be reading too much into this but it reads to me as if they were waving "forbidden" sweets around in front of her that she knew you had said she couldn't have, in an effort to make her have another "amusing " meltdown they could video.
I think that was what the sniggering was about.

They sound like the kind of people who are entertained by teasing small children and pets.

If no remorse forthcoming, I'd keep your DD away from them. They are idiots.

She's a dick-they both are actually.
With that in mind, I'd not bother to make the effort to meet up in the future or have much contact. Doesn't need to be a big drama -just avoid events they will be at and keep contact to the occasional text or card if you must.
At least they've shown you who they are early on -every cloud and all that.
It would be very tempting to post an incredibly unflattering photo of her up on SM with a pithy comment, but honestly I just couldn't be arsed with it all and would rather just relegate them to only see at weddings and funerals people.

It would not bother me personally if my child had a sweet, BUT you said no! That should have been the end of it but the sneaky mare (being polite there) went ahead and gave it to her anyway, clearly to get your back up as she found it funny, I mean how old is she 10?

As for the Xmas day drama, If she wanted drama she would have well and truly got it with brandy sauce on top! How dare she take a picture of your child then post it on her social media for the amusement of her friends! Regardless of what has happened in the past your judgement is definitely not clouded here. You have every right to be furious

I disagree... kids simply do not need sweets and sweet drinks. The longer you can keep them from knowing the more entrenched their habit of not needing sweet things will be.

I agree. The sweet thing wouldn't bother me with my kids, but it might bother someone else, so I wouldn't offer their kids sweets. I think you need to respect parents' boundaries, even if they don't align with your own, or with broader, generally accepted societal boundaries.

I think the sweets especially at Christmas isnt to bad, still disrespectful and needed a word
But the photo and social media i would be fuming!..

You should really ask permission if you take a pic of another person's child and post it, I'd have as calmly as possible told them to remove the picture and if not I'd have found account and reported it, they really had no budiness posting a photo of someone else's child and putting it online unless perhaps it was a family function but even then you can ask them to photoshop child out

How the hell could 15% think you were being unreasonable?????

You know what you have to do. Tell them both in polite but clear words that why you are annoyed and that you expect that photo to be taken down immediately. Next time they want to visit, suggest they get an Airbnb to limit their contact as you don't want your daughter receiving mixed messages if they decide to disregard your wishes.

Because people decide the question is about whether the OP's rules are unreasonable rather than the SIL's behaviour. Apparently respecting other people's boundaries is only possible if you share them. Baffling but there you are!

I think you are perfectly reasonable to be furious about both issues.
They have disrespected your parenting choices, both of which were for your daughters safety and welfare.
Why do they think they can post images of your ill daughter online or give her sweets expressly against your wishes?
Please discuss this with DH and agree your response. I would want to express my feelings to Bil and Sil and say their behaviour is unacceptable. Request immediate deletion of all photos and removal if all posts of your DD. They go no contact.

If they seem genuinely sorry and apologise you could reconsider contact, but i would never trust them again and would never let them look after DD till she is an adult.

Haribos for a 2 year old. Just no. They can be very dangerous. I almost choked on a "percy pig", and I am a grown ass woman!....same texture as a haribo....very slippery, slid straight down my throat. Haven't had anything of the like since. I would cut them off. Some people are just not worth having in your life...family or not. They seem like these sorts of people.

Your SiL & BIL are uncaring nasty people. Would appear to be incapable of respecting boundaries. Either totally ignorant or thick as sh*t to be giving a small child sweets at breakfast time. As a loving caring mother block them & go NC - your daughter does not need such people in her life & neither do you.

OP. shes left the thread so no updates

She sounds like a twat. YANBU.

What a bloody bitch! I'd be banning any future contact, and making it very clear to my husband that it's non-negotiable.

Your child , your rules and your SIL should not have taken a photo , that's disgusting

Sounds like they really dislike you. I wouldn't make any effort at all to see them again, for a couple of years.

Well at least you know what the issue with her is now. She is violently jealous of you and your DHs relationship made worse by you having a lovely DD too.

Keep these AHs away from you and your DD. I glad your DH also stepped in, but it's hid brother, so you can't decide for him whether he will distance himself.

YANBU. The sweets aren't ok in general, you explicitly said no, but especially not in the context of everything else. I would let them know in no uncertain terms how I felt about them and they wouldn't be welcome in my home. Mocking your child is unforgivable.

The lack of respect for boundaries is worrying, the social media post is unkind, mocking and screams 'mean girl bully'. You won't trust them around your child now so you might as well go no-contact. Are there grandparent figures or other family members that are supportive of you. It would be interesting to see how they change their attitude if they ever become parents

Absolutely out of order on both, imo. What’s your DH said? I’d be so done, she sounds horrible and he sounds like an arsehole who enjoys it and doesn’t have to take the blame.

At least they live abroad so you don’t have to see them regularly. Don’t invite them over again, if he wishes, your DH can explain to his brother why you won’t be bothering with them in future.

I'd be raging about both instances and have little interest in seeing them again.

It's just a side point but no one knows what a child could be allergic to. I was present when my friend gave her son humus for the first time and his head swelled up like a football. So giving sweets to children without parents consent is dangerous.

Your sister in law and brother in law sound like nobs!