Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

What you’re described is really minor
the starting food is ok as you shouldn’t wait to eat hot food …

Im not sure about the eating issue but you need to be more direct about the others, eg
'Would you mind stripping the bed in the morning before you leave then i can get the washing straight on. Thanks'

It's polite to wait for the host to sit down, and equally it's polite for the host to say 'please start' if it's hot food and it's going to be a while - at which point as a guest you should start as the host wants you to eat the food they've cooked at the optimum temperature.

They sound socially clueless so I think you just have to direct them. if you have other guests you can say please wait till everyone starts, ask them to strip the beds if that's what you want (although I wouldn't expect my PILs to do this) and tell them where to put the dishes.

You are unbelievably petty, especially about dishes in the sink rather than on the side. Even your in laws can’t read minds OP - you need to politely tell them what you want.

The food thing would bother me-it’s basic manners. The other stuff I couldn’t get worked up over. Why not speak to them?
oh PIL don’t worry about making the bed, it going to strip it anyway.
watching them load dishes into the sink “oh just leave them on the side if you wouldn’t mind, makes it easier for me to wash them! Thanks.

Starting before everyone is sat to eat I think it's rude unless there's a delay and the person held up says to start. (Christmas work meal my food order was given to another table so i told colleagues to get started or theirs would be cold before mine was served). The rest is preference I would never expect a guest to strip a bed, I would tell them but to work about making it at I would be stripping it to wash, to save them wasting their time. I also hate dishes liked all over the side. Put them in the sink if they need rinsing first (1.5 sink so no issues) or straight into the dishwasher.

My step dad did this. Yes they should wait and yes it is irritating but it isn't the worst thing is it ?

I was brought up to wait until everyone has their food before eating. It puts my teeth on edge when my in-laws dig in straight away...

They also rarely sit down to eat at the table at home, which I find equally odd (my DC are really little and just don't understand why they are given meals in the living room at their grandparents, the last time we stayed MIL told me they'd carried their plates back to the table and made themselves at home. They also tried to insist FIL ate at the table too and were really put out when he refused. Luckily they found it funny instead of being annoyed).

I'm not sure there's an absolute right way or wrong way though. Just differences in how families do things 🤷‍♀️

None of that would bother me, I would want them to relax in my home and enjoy their food while it's hot. It's really minor issues that you're building up to be huge in your head, dishes in the sink and not on the side? Come on now.

Stripping the bed is another meh thing to get worked up about the left their bed how they found it, I would never strip a bed at someones house they might not be ready to wash it or whatever so I make it up.

Starting eating before others is a thing that seems to vary between households. If it's just family I'd expect people to start while the food is hot. If it's taking you so long to serve everyone that they've nearly finished before the host sits down, I think you need to rethink the way you serve out/keep food warm.

Stripping beds and leaving dishes in the sink, I agree just needs you to politely ask them.

I would wait for everyone to sit down

unless I was half starved and the host was faffing which has only happened a few times in my life

i always ask if I could strip the bed. My mother likes it made back up not stripped so it looks tidy until she had time to wash

sink - again gets things out of sight until you are ready to wash

so some of these things are just “different “ rather than wrong

These are very minor things. It is polite to wait for everyone to have their meal but many don't. Some people put pots straight in the sink as it makes the kitchen look tidy. Making the bed is leaving the room tidy, as they found it.

It is good manners to wait until everyone is sat down (or served in a restaurant), but you must be taking ages to sit down if they can finish before you do so really you should be telling them to start. I think it’s actually a bit odd to expect guests to strip the bed. I’d definitely expect them to make it so it looks tidy when they leave. Dishes in the sink is a personal preference - lots of people hate having dirty dishes cluttering up sides.

I think when you don’t like people every little thing they do it irritating - particularly if they’re staying at your home.

DPIL started helping themselves to food and eating before everyone else was sat down. It was strange because they hadnt done it before and were generally well mannered.

We solved it by the last person to the table bringing cutlery and serving spoons!

They should wait really but how long are you taking to sit down that they’ve been able to nearly finish their food? You need to have it all ready to serve together then sit down yourself then it won’t matter.

The not waiting to start eating makes my eye twitch a little bit, but I agree with PP that the rest is minor quibbles.

My friend hosts people to stay a lot, and always asks guests to specifically NOT strip the bed- she prefers the bed to be left made up until she strips and washes it just before the next guests, so that the linen is all fresh on.

Thank you so much for your comments everyone, I think it isnt a big deal and I’m making it into one. I agree it’s polite to say please start but my MIL will start eating the food in the kitchen with her fingers before walking through to the dining room and she’ll eat as soon as she’s sat down so I don’t have an opportunity to say please start as she’s already started. With the sheets and the dishes its just annoying as I have to tell them every time, maybe they just don’t have good memories but it isn’t the end of the world, I just don’t have much free time with a baby so I get grumpy!

Neither of you can like them very much if those minor annoying things make you not want to host them.

And I'm cringing at "Please start" 😬

You are also allowed to get grumpy and vent

You'd have more free time if your DH changed the bedding after his own parents.

The food thing is rude. But as a host I prefer it if guests don't strip the beds, as I'd rather do at a time of my choosing.

On christmas day my food was on the table ten minutes before the last person managed to sit at the table because they were faffing in the kitchen. I'll wait to start if the food comes out and people sit straight down, if they are messing about to the point where my food is getting cold then I'm not waiting.

The food thing is a bit rude, but not that big a deal and it varies by country / social group. Making the bed rather than stripping it is polite, it allows the host to choose when to do the laundry, like others I often prefer to do it just before the next guest. Piling dishes in the sink is annoying as hell, but not intentionally rude. All in all I’d pick you battles here, maybe speak to them about the dishes and just try to accept the other two.

Well this really.