Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

Well yes, if the kitchen and the dining table are a long way away from each other and OP waits for everyone to sit down before she starts taking things out, and no one else carries anything, I can see that a guests could have served themselves and nearly finished eating before sitting down.

If it genuinely takes this long most people would have sorted drinks (or put bottles on the table), laid the table and put out plates and at least some of the serving dishes before asking guests to sit down - precisely because no one wants to sit and wait as a guest unsure whether to start or not, while the host slowly brings out things one by one. And they would recruit other people to carry in things!

My house has an annoying layout, in that you have to walk through the lounge to get to the dining table, so kitchen and dining table are not particularly close. I've still never managed to have not sat down before guests have finished serving themselves.

Does no one serve food on warmed plates anymore? Food stays hot enough if you do.

The eating thing is incredibly rude. No excuses to be made for them there.

The dishes in the sink thing is extremely annoying. Like it's signalling, "see, I'm being helpful!" while actually making more work for whoever is doing the washing up.

The bedding thing though I think YABU. I don't expect guests to perform any housework and stripping beds is the responsibility of the host. Personally I also prefer for the bed to be neatly made until I am ready to wash the bedding.

It is rude to eat before others but the dishes in the sink and not not stripping of beds is nothing. I put dishes in the sink. I take them out when I am ready to wash up. I also never strip the bed. Never occurred to me to do that as I would never expect it of any guest in my home.

It's a manners thing that's installed when younger I think. There are people who didn't really grow up eating at tables so never got the wait to eat thing. They sound a bit thoughtless and at home. But you're being a bit weird about it with the passive aggressive stuff. Not everyone follows the same ways as you.

Tell them to put dishes on the side or turn the bowl upside down so nothing can go in it and ask them to strip the beds when they're going home.

Some people need to be told. Yes it's irritating.if people do things differently to the way you're taught. I'll bet there will be something you do 'wrong' as well.

The bed thing wouldn’t annoy me at all. I’d rather the room was tidy and then I can decide when I wash the bedding. I wouldn’t expect my guests to clear plates.

on the food front you could take plates out last but really how much are you doing once food is on the table.

I want people to tuck in as soon as their plate is in front of them. If everyone waited for me, as the host, to serve everything and everyone and then sit down myself the food would be cold!

With the plates, just politely ask they put them on the side. They were clearly trying to help but don't know your home or cleaning routine.

Honestly from what you've described they aren't that bad at all!

this has made me remember that I catered Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I was clearing the table on Boxing Day and my brother in law helped by putting his dirty plate on my setting when I had cleared my end of the table! So I came back to another dirty plate infront of me! His mother is a horrendous snob - but she clearly never taught him manners

It's just different strokes isn't it? I hate when guests strip a bed !

Well, your imagination is very lacking.

Yes. If their meal is finished by the time you sit down what on earth are you doing? Basically if they waited for you, their meal would be cold. The passive aggressive 'please start' is just awful. Youre making a twat of yourself there.
Don't you have a washing up bowl in your sink? I'd expect dirty plates to go straight in there and not left on the side. I'd also not expect beds to be stripped by my mother. It's your immediate family staying as guests in your home, not strangers renting an Airbnb. So yes, I think you are being very unreasonable on all points. Why don't you just admit you haye your pil instead of all this nit picking.

Me too. I just want it left as they found it and thats what I do in friends/family houses too

The bedding is personal preference - I'd rather strip the bed at my own convenience when it's a good drying day. Ditto the dishes - I like them on the side, my parents preferred a clean sight line on the counter so stacked them in the sink until the dishwasher was free.

Eating before everyone is at the table is definitely very rude, though. My children know to wait. There are exceptions when we'll say "go ahead and start without us", for example when cooking things in batches like french toast or pancakes.

I put my dirty dishes in the sink before i'm ready to wash them. I don't want dirty dishes sitting on the side.

I was always told to start eating right away and not to wait on the host sitting down.

I think its incredibly rude to ask them to strip the bed, but equally rude of them not to wait until everyone is seated to start to eat, unless bringing food to the table takes a long time.
The dishes thing is just annoying but not the end of the world.

Some people just genuinely don't know these things as never been exposed to them. It would annoy me too but everyone lives differently and what you may see as an issue may not even cross thier minds and likely vice versa too.

I was DRAGGED up and had no manners or awareness of these things being the norm till i was probably 19 and saw how other people behaved and was exposed to things.

Try not to let it bother you as it's likely not malicious but with a baby and probably feeling like you're already doing a lot, the small things really grate on you! I'm unbearable when i'm tired and tiny issues i do end up making much biggerin my mind.

Can't your husband remind them to do these things?

Well aren't you a delight . I'd hate for my guests to let the food I lovingly prepare get cold whilst I sort myself out. In a restaurant we wait but the person with food still to come says don't wait for me.

I think this isn't about sheets and dishes. It's about you finding them annoying for whatever reason and now normal stuff is annoying. So there's more going on here.

The food I'm a bit different on. The cook has gone to a lot of effort and so it's polite to wait. As a guest I try not to serve myself too early if we are waiting for the cook as it stays hotter that way. However if you are spending ages getting the food out it's really sad as a guest to sit and watch a delicious meal get cold. My mum used to be bad for this. Would faff starting washing up while we were waiting. (Yes, we did our bit, but sometimes she'd be more stressed having more people in the kitchen. Yes, we were doing the washing up, not her) So I'd say do your best to get all the food out at once. That means keeping it in the kitchen, ideally hot in the oven, until it's all ready to go. Then for a meal with lots of dishes like Christmas dinner you call people in to ferry food out. It's the most stressful bit, but then you sit down and don't think about the kitchen again until it's time for pudding.

This way you can all sit and serve yourself together and enjoy the meal together. And I do think that's an important part of a celebratory meal. Hence why I wouldn't behave like your inlaws.

The bed thing and the dishes thing are just 'different' to the way you do things. The eating before everyone is served and sitting down is indeed bad manners but is surely easily solved (if DH simply saying No, wait till Sophie's here too doesn't work) just serve their food last, as you come to the table to sit down yourself. Simple.

Keep the plates warm and put them on the table last.

Have you told them your preference? I prefer that beds are made not stripped as then I can wash the sheets when I am ready.

It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished

How can you still be serving up and not yet at the table but they have almost finished? Are you taking an age to serve everyone?

I’m not the OP, but I’ve reminded my parents more times than I can count not to grab their food and attack it so fast it’s gone by the time the server has started eating. It appears not to stick. And they never appear to notice the other people waiting.

My normal is that serve-yourself is informal and you eat straight away. Food served at a table is wait for everyone.

I would never strip a bed and no guest of mine has ever done it, I would be horrified at the state of the mattress