Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

Exactly my thoughts.

The rest just use your words and say something. I personally don’t want beds stripped as I like to put fresh bedding on just before the next guests arrive.

Ive just had two solid weeks of guests and I started off getting irritated about minor stuff but decided to change my mindset and let it go. It was much nicer.

I don’t think it’s rude to start eating with close family, certainly in mine we would start eating as soon as food is ready as otherwise it will start to go cold.

Stripping the beds is personal preference, personally I don’t want guests to strip the bed as I won’t change the sheets straight away, I have cats who like to sleep on beds so it is better for me to leave the used sheets on the bed until right before the next guest as otherwise if I put clean sheets on the cats will get fur all over them and I’ll need to change again. Plus it’s nice for a guest to have fresh sheets over sheets that have sat on the bed for weeks or months. Again, this is normal in my family to change the sheets when the next guest is due to arrive rather than as soon as the previous guests leave.

No issue with anyone starting then.

If they’re eating at your house serve them last. I wouldn’t expect any guests to strip the bed!

I absolutely hate it when people strip the bed after staying!
I don't usually want to do a full wash of bedding straight away.
I never strip bedding when I stay anywhere - unless asked to.

Maybe you could just be a grown up and just tell them these petty things you don't like rather than expecting them to just know them?

It’s nothing to do with hunger. This is just what he does. He does it in restaurants after he’s just had a hefty starter of chowder. He will do it again in a restaurant for dessert after a big main course of steak and chips. He doesn’t appear to grasp that special occasion meals in particular aren’t about shovelling down your food so you can get home asap as if you’re trying to break a record, but about chatting to people, too. At my mother’s 70th birthday party, he was looking at his watch by the time most people were a few bites into their main courses, having bolted his food.

Why are you taking so long to sit down that they've almost finished their meal? I'd find that really annoying. Surely everything should be prepared first before you serve up the meal and then it's just a case of putting the plates on the table.

If you want them to strip the bed, say, "Would you mind stripping your bed so I can get the sheets in the wash?"

The same for the dishes. Either clear the table yourself, ask DH to do it (which he should be doing anyway as they are his guests!) or ask them politely to leave them on the side.

If you have a baby then DH needs to be doing the bulk of the work associated with hosting.

Inhales is a perfectly normal descriptor of someone who eats quickly. My other half can inhale, comes from years of being in the police where you'd start your refs and then the radio would go off so he would eat quickly.

Yes, I'm familiar with the hyperbole.

I'm confused by this one. Doesn't stuff on the rack dry naturally before the next meal anyway? We only dry up if we need the rack again quickly / too much to fit on the rack, ie at Christmas when we've had guests and a few courses. So I don't see how that creates extra work than putting the stuff from the dishwasher away? And tipping water out of a bowl hardly takes a minute.
A lot of these annoyances are different personal preferences but I absolutely do understand being irritated by guests, especially in laws!

Whether to wait to eat or not depends on the situation and familiarity with the hosts/other guests imo.
Because it's buffet style I would say it's fine to start eating once you have your own food and have sat down, although personally I would try to wait for the host.
However, it sounds like you are being much ruder by doing extra jobs like filling the dishwasher while everyone is (potentially) waiting for you.
I prefer guests to leave bedding on so I can do it in my own time, but wouldn't get worked up if they didn't do it my preferred way. It's also part of hosting so rude to expect or ask them to strip the beds.
The dishes thing is just petty.
It's interesting that you wonder if they've had people to stay/a dinner party before as I would wonder the same about you. When I host I find different people do all sorts of things in different ways and you need to be able to let these things go.

Your way of doing the dishes would drive me mad. DH does it your way by putting all dirty dishes on the side next to the sink, it makes no sense. Dirty dishes belong in the sink until they're ready to be washed or loaded into the dishwasher. Almost 20 years DH and I have been having this disagreement, it's not a big deal, it's just annoying.

The starting eating as soon as they get their food really annoys me. My PIL do it too. I find it very rude. They now don’t get serviced until last.

I'm really surprised that anyone would think it is good manners to start tucking into a celebration meal before everyone is seated.

I think it's missing the point that a shared meal is about much more than just consuming food. It's a coming together thing, a shared experience. Taking a moment to pause, raising a glass, remembering absent friends - and thanking the host. Then you start eating!

The idea that I would walk through from the kitchen to the dining room with a final dish having spent hours preparing a feast, only to find guests already stuffing their faces, absolutely boggles me.

OP, none of this stuff is that important.

If the food is a serve yourself meal from the kitchen then that's a signal it's informal so guests would naturally be inclined to start when they sit down, especially as there is enough time for them to finish their meal before you even sit down- that's a sign to me that they are right to just get on with it. When I have guests I ask them to sit down first, then I bring the food through to them ready plated, or in the centre of the table for them to help themselves depending on what I am serving. Everyone gets their food at the same time so no long waiting times anyway.

I've never expected a guest to strip a bed- most of my guests just roughly make the bed! It's not an AirB&B.

Some people like dishes in the sink, others on the side- depends on your washing up routine, unless you specify then how will they know?

My family do this and so do my in laws, our background is v working class Irish so I put it down to culture but could be wrong. Everyone else I know (in London where we live now) waits until everyone is ready to eat. It’s annoying that they are so uncultured, u agree with you op.

It sounds a bit disorganised I am not having a dig at the op. Just trying to work out if the inlaws are helping themselves and eating the op must still be in the kitchen.

The eating thing ... No everyone waits unless someone says please start

Stripping the bed , no. Always make it
Dishes in the sink ...can't get worked up about that tbh

This was going to be my suggestion, it’s a fairly easy way to fix the problem.

Friends, when we arrange to go out for a meal together, we turn up on time to find "oh we've already ordered"!!! Their food then arrives before ours so we have to sit and watch them eat - nice people but no table manners - forearm across the table, fork only!!! Then they talk at us as we try to eat our food and not talk with our mouths full! By all means look at the menu, but you wait until everyone arrives, then place your order together, so everyone eats at the same time!

It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them.

This is what hotels and airbnbs are for?

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

Some families/people simply will do things differently to you.

In a home environment I would not expect everyone to wait to start until everyone is seated.

I would also not strip or expect guests to strip a bed before leaving.

I would probably ask where you wanted the dishes to go if unsure, but putting in the sink they are just trying to be helpful. You imply they are intentionally being awkward.

You are nit-picking silly little things, probably because you don't like them. I think this is more a you than them problem and I suspect your dh wouldn't even notice if he didn't have you pointing out all these perceived faults and agrees with you for an easy life.

I can guarantee they do not feel comfortable visiting you either, will know you are nit picking their every move, probably don't know why, and are probably trying their best not to do anything wrong to keep a relationship with their son and his family.

It is time you learned how to actually host graciously rather than making your guests feel so awkward.

Starting to eat for a non-special meal doesn't worry me (probably because I do it). I think it's a hangover from when people said grace.

Dishes in the sink rather than on the side does annoy me, but DP does it (we share the washing-up 50-50) and says "It's to allow them to soak". So that seems like a preference thing.

Not stripping the bed feels pretty bad to me, but if you haven't grown up with having house guests you might never have thought about it.

Starting to eat is rude, but in my family I have to make a point to tell them to start as otherwise they’d politely sit there until their food got cold.

I’d never ask guests to strip the beds though, that’s the host’s job surely.

Hell's teeth, some people seem to have been raised by wolves!

Of course you wait for the host to sit or say 'dont wait for me'. And of course the host should tell guests if they want them to start.

It's a family meal not a works canteen.