Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

Mh mil used to strip the bed. I thought she was being rude, telling me I had to wash it now when for various reasons I needed it to wait til later in the week. Why wouldn't they just make it and leave the room looking neat and tidy!
I can see now she had the same mindset as you and was trying to help.
They're not being rude or wrong just doing it their way.
You probably can't change them so only your response. They travel to you. Can you think of 3 other good things they do that you can think of instead when they annoy you.

You must be faffing around between putting food on the table and sitting down if they can manage to take food and nearly finish their meals before you are ready. Even if they are the fastest eaters in the world that still means you are taking a long time to sit down.
I would put all the food on the table, then invite people to sit down and then go around the table handing the plates out and you sit straight down with your plate once you have given everyone theirs.
It is very rude of them though so I agree with you on that point.

The stripping beds wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't expect guests to strip the beds. It takes a couple of minutes at most and your DH could do it if you don't have time.

The dishes in the sink thing is a minor annoyance. Again, it just takes a minute to take them out of the sink and put them on the side.

But they need plates to put their food onto don't they. 😂Just bring their plates in as you come in to sit down yourself.

I can't help but feel a little sorry for these PILs who are haplessly getting it wrong even in the eyes of their own son.

They're being food with the food.

You're being rude with the beds.

Plates in the sink is so petty as to not be an issue 😂

I was going to say to bring out the plates last (you were warming them) so they couldn't start....but then read about eating with fingers so that might not work!

It is poor manners but that's on them...you can still host with good manners which means not calling attention to guests lack of manners!

In my extended family, which is large, we start eating when our food is served as otherwise it will go cold while we wait for everyone to get their plate. Also it means whoever has finished first can begin clearing or take a crying baby or whatever. I actually only learned that it’s polite to wait until everyone is served when I was well into my twenties and admonished by a posh friend at a dinner party! In my house it is usually serve yourself as I put side dishes and bits on the table for everyone to take what they fancy and then yes, they eat once they have served themselves and I usually go last -sometimes everyone has almost finished but really, so what?

The food thing is easily solved. Get everyone seated at the table and bring out the food to place in the centre of the table for everyone to help themselves. Bring out the main dish last when you are ready to sit down yourself.

Full sympathy though... my MIL has been here since the 17th. She's not doing anything wrong, but just normal things that she does differently start to grate and I'm looking forward to having our house back to ourselves tomorrow!

It's rude to start eating until everyone is served, but if I'm cooking I encourage guests to start as I'm probably faffing with gravy or something and I don't want it to go cold.

I wouldn't expect guests to strip the bed, particularly if they are elderly- for my parents, changing the bed is a two person job.

I prefer guests to gather their plates at the table and let me or DH clear so we can shove them straight into the dishwasher (the plates, not the guests). So I suppose we're all different in that respect.

Agree re starting meals and filling the sink (the latter is a bugbear of mine too), but not re stripping the beds, I'd never ask a guest to do that tbh.

You are being completely unreasonable about the bed, surely you can see that?Guests in your house should not be expected to strip the bed. That is your job once they have left, and in your own time. Leaving the room tidy is as much as I would expect. It would actually inconvenience me if they guests stripped the bed as I may not have time to wash it that day and I wouldn't like a pile of bed clothes sitting around.
The dishes thing is completely pedantic. People have different ways of doing things.
The food thing, I get you but you really need to let it go. In the grand scheme of things is it really a big deal? It's not like they are clipping their toe nails at the dinner table, now that would be rude.
Seriously, chill out and you might even enjoy them a bit more. Remember that you will be older one day too and may like people to be a bit kinder to you!

No faffing in our house. This Christmas DH served my parents second-last, just before he served himself and me (deliberately) — my father grabbed the plate out of his hands, and in the time it took DH to walk to the kitchen counter at the other end of the room and come back with our plates, and for him to sit down, and the rest of us to pick up our knives and forks and start eating (maybe a minute? Possibly less?), Dad had bolted almost all his food. By the time I took my third mouthful, it was gone. Hard to overlook because of the energetic plate-scraping.

I always eat as soon as I get my plate.
I have also never needed to tell a grown adult when to start eating.

I always put my dishes in the sink and tell my DC to do the same.
It annoys me when it’s just shoved on the side - although there have been times where I’ve had to take the dishes back out but I’d rather do that than have them on the side.

You’re nit picking and finding things to be annoyed about.
Its hardly the crime of the century.

They just do things slightly different than you.

I’m not sure where to start, it’s your tits they got on isn’t it. Stripping the bed - reminds me of hotel staying, not a beautiful Christmas at their wonderful sons family home.

Putting the dishes in the sink, have they a double sink and/or dishwasher, because putting plates in the sink to soak for a few minutes either get rinsed in the second sink or straight to the dishwasher. My mum used to soak everything in the plastic bowl and then rinse it in the bucket, that was in the days of shared kitchens and toilets at the end of the back garden, no I’m not ancient, just from a very poor background!

You may have a point, they have never entertained anyone except immediate family, maybe you are opening up a new world to them, or maybe you are different people but in your own way - yet different ways - know how to keep a clean house.

Maybe the eating thing, get your husband to remind them that when someone enters the room, in polite society we always stand, something we forget occasionally, the sane with eating, we all start together,

I'd be mortified if someone was that hungry in my house at Christmas or is he a general glutton?

I would be embarrassed if my guests, no matter if related, stripped the bed after staying over. That's not guests responsibility!
As for eating, no, grew up with a family who ate whenever they wanted but we would stay until last person finished.. In the case of my in laws (when they were alive), I always served them first as they were slow eaters and wanted them to get a head start. Really slow eaters!

But, yeah, dishes in the sink - zero point.

My in laws used to do this, so I started saying grace before the meal. They've stopped now. May be extreme for you!

My mum prefers it if we don't strip the beds because she likes to wait for dry weather and time to wash the sheets. My inlaws think it is important to eat the food hot so always tell people to tuck straight in. Some people prefer the dishes to be in the sink than on the side.

Being a good host is about being fairly laid back about this kind of thing.

Slightly confused by the eating from plate on way to the table. But realised that you do canteen style service which maybe why they start eating when they sit down. Once plated food cools down really quickly. We plate at the table, warm plates which obviously are not easy to carry and the food is kept warm and covered in dishes until everyone is seated. This also allows people to serve themselves.
Because you are expected to pass dishes or serve others you can’t really start eating until everyone has finished plating their meal.

As for washing up. Do they have a dishwasher at home? I like to stack my dishwasher in a particular way so ask people to put the dishes on the side or in the sink so I can sort it out later. I have a small kitchen so need the surfaces clear when entertaining.

Having said all that it may be that your PIL know it annoys you and do it on purpose. My DM was a stickler for correct table manners but would never embarrass anyone by correcting them. It is ingrained in me to wait until everyone is served before I start eating and I do secretly judge others if they don’t wait, even if I’m urged to start eating by others who are still waiting. When my DH first joined us for a formal meal he quietly asked how to deal with the cutlery. I’m not from a particularly posh background but table etiquette was drilled into us.

My particular bugbear is how people use their knife but that’s a whole topic on its own.

Yes and no. The food thing would annoy me and I had to make it clear to MIL that we didn't start serving/eating until everyone was seated. Her view was that it would go cold and had she waited for her children to stop playing and arrive the foodnwoukd be cold My view was that my children were expected to come to the table having been given a five minute warning and it was basic good manners to do so. They came straight away because they had it drilled into them.

I asked pils to strip the bed when they were leaving - had to. She would have left the dirty sheets on in case they were the next visitors and didn't see the need for them to be changed after just a week. "Yes MIL but other visitors may come and I like the room to be guest ready". The bigger issue was putting suitcases straight onto the crisp/clean bed linen and transferring grease and dirt from the wheels. There was a luggage rack in the room but it wouldn't have occurred to her. I asked her the next time they arrived to use the rack. Never happened.

FIL would wash up after breakfast, leaving everything on the drainer and the dirty water in the bowl - giving me a drying up job, having to wipe down the drainer and a bowl cleaning job. "FIL can you either put the dishes straight into the dishwasher or wash and dry them and empty and rinse the bowl please". Never happened.

MIL also used to count food which did my head in.

All of those things would have done my head in less had she not been a former deputy head teacher who thought she knew everything. She actually had pretty poor table manners and questionable standards of cleanliness.

I get you @Sophie26940 deal with it directly.

No one should wait to eat hot food. Start eating as soon as you sit down

It seems you just don't like them. I wouldn't expect guests to strip the bed. Putting things in the dish is a non event. The eating - I'd just tell everyone to tuck in.

I always tell guests to go ahead and eat while I'm plating my own meal. I'm not fussed about the etiquette of it. I did exactly the same on Christmas day.

Some of these are irritating but not big deals. If it's self service food in the kitchen,it may feel a bit more informal, and it can take a long time between the first people up with their plates and the last. So some people do tend to encourage people to start before it goes cold.

When I used to have a spare room I actually hated it when guests stripped the bed, as it would usually be a while until I was next having guests so I wanted to leave it in until then, and then give new guests fresh bedding, rather than bedding that's been gathering dust for months since I was forced to put it on after the last guests left because the bed was bare. I may also have a backlog of washing and not want the sheets hanging around until I can get to them.

So these things are personal preferences really. However, as you are being kind enough to host, and they are family, there is nothing wrong with telling them your preferences and asking them to help out. And they are being rude if they ignore that.

I think it’s more common to wait until everyone is seated especially in a restaurant, but also if there’s an unreasonable amount of time between serving everyone I can’t blame them for starting and not letting their meals get cold.

The bed is down to personal preference, some people would prefer to strip the bed themselves in their own time so would want guests to make the bed before they leave, you could always use your words and ask them would they mind stripping the bed so you can stick it straight in the wash?

The dishes also while a bit annoying and I hate this too, and why couldn’t they just wash a few dishes?
But not worth falling out over.

I think you just don’t like them and you resent having them to stay