Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

I'm with you OP. The eating food before everyone is ready to eat is really bad manners.

The bed and dishes is as helpful as you can expect, short of them putting the washing on or actually washing up. Starting to eat in the kitchen with fingers is weird, are they really hungry? Are you feeding them later than they usually have meals? You can either not invite them to meals with other people, or say “let’s all take our food through and wait so we can start together”. If you don’t say anything (or give them some pre-dinner snacks so they’re not starving) then they will never have a chance to change. I think it’s polite to wait but lots of people would say go ahead and start so it doesn’t get cold, so I don’t think it’s intentional rudeness. I think leaving the table before others are finished is much worse!

I always encourage my guests to start eating, as the food goes cold otherwise.

I wouldn't eat before everyone else is ready, but it doesn't matter.

The food thing is a bit rude. I know hardly anyone who does this (without invitation) although my dad always did, originally because parents had their main meal at lunchtime and he had to get back to work, though when he retired he still carried on doing it! Just seen your t update and I also hate when people start shovelling food before they even get to the table - I think "are you a human or a raccoon?"

Dishes dumped in the sink rather than stacked on the side or in dishwasher would really annoy me. We had an after school nanny who used to do that and giggle and say she "forgot" when I reminded her. When we made her redundant during covid it was one of several reasons why I was happy to let her go.

I wouldn't mind the lack of bed stripping. I'm pretty sure the correct etiquette is to leave the bed made/tidy but not stripped. In fact I find it unhelpful and a bit aggressive if people do it. It feels a bit like "now do the laundry you lazy bitch" whereas I prefer to change bedding just before guests come rather than immediately afterwards, so it's completely fresh and hasn't been gathering dust. But if you've told them your preference seems they ignore you then that's rude.

Get your husband to do more of the chores, particularly for HIS parents!

Edited for duplication.

You're taking too long to serve food.

I’ve never been able to break my parents of this, despite asking them politely but clearly many times over the years. I don’t know how I can be clearer. They do it at other people’s houses, in restaurants on special occasions — my father will actually grab a plate out of a waiter’s hands as it’s being lowered to his place as if it’s not speedy enough for him, and attack it with his knife and fork as if he’s been starved for a week, while other people are still being given their food. At Christmas, he and Mum actually finished their main in the minute or two between them being served and DH and I picking up our forks, despite the other six people not eating.

I wouldn’t be too bothered about the other stuff.

Just tell them what you’re expecting.

It’s rude to start eating before everyone’s seated but it’s a minor issue.

You’re being ridiculous about the bed-stripping and the plates though. They’re not doing anything wrong with those. They’re just doing a polite thing that’s slightly different to the way you would do it.

Why not serve your in laws last? If they question it, say when everyone starts eating together, theirs will be the hottest. (My pet peeve is me/ladies being served first - given we wait for everyone to be served, that means my portion is the coldest!)

Different strokes for different folks,none of the things you describe are a big deal.

Stop being passive aggressive and be assertive. Tell them to put their dishes where you want them. Ask them to strip the bed (I don't expect guests to do this, but up to you) Ask them to wait until everyone is served before they start eating, or serve them last.

It’s rude but would just try to ignore it. Lots of people have poor table manners

They don’t sound very well house trained.

If they are almost finished by the time everyone else is told to start, how long is the food sitting for?!

Personally I want people to start right away.

Especially on Christmas Day, I do ask people to start as soon as they’ve got their food, since dh can take quite a while to carve the turkey, and the first platefuls would be going cold.

My dad does this. I think he was never taught table manners and over the years he has become stubborn about being corrected.

his table manners are quite poor - he will talk with his mouth full and pick good out of his teeth. I can usually ignore it but hat it on Christmas Day.

this year once again he had finished his starter before I even had sat down!

It is polite for everyone to be seated to start eating, so that’s a little odd.

How old are they to strip the bed? My mother would struggle with this, as she’s in her 80’s.

If someone stays with her, she doesn’t want the beds stripped either, which seems strange, but she says then she feels obliged to do the washing straight away, when she’d rather do it in her own time.

The washing dishes thing, it’s just not occurred to them, as I assume there is only 2 of them so not the volume of dishes that would be a problem, or they have a dishwasher .

I agree with @honeyluluabout the bed - I wash it just before the new guests rather than just after the old otherwise I feel it could be dusty.

And even so they might not be ready to wash it so I’ve never stripped the bed at someone’s house as they may not want a pile of laundry on the floor…

plus I feel you’re taking ages to get to the table if they can FINISH before you’re there…no wonder they just start eating.

this is FAMILY I wouldn’t do it if my boss invited me over I’d be on best behaviour but with my family I’m comfortable and chill to eat if there’s food in front of me

i disagree. The host is the one who says please start/don’t let the food get cold. Not the guest.

This is where I think there is a disadvantage. I grew up in a house where I wasn’t properly taught table manners. Then went out into the workforce and felt awkward in formal dining situations. Eyebrows were raised when people ate before the host. I picked it up pretty quickly and read up on the etiquette. But all kids should be taught table manners.

i know people will make your argument that it doesn’t matter and roll their eyes and make up their own rules. But it does disadvantage you in certain work settings - even just feeling out of your depth.

Eating food with her fingers from the kitchen to the dining table is beyond poor manners but I suppose you could view it as she feels equally as comfortable at yours as she does at home?
The rest is just different ways people do things, however they should really listen and change if they've been asked to do it your way in your home.

You sound very passive agressive in your interactions with your in-laws. You grew up having a different set of rules to them but it doesn’t mean that you’re right and they’re wrong.

Making the bed when they’re leaving is their version of being a polite guest.
Maybe that’s what they expect you to do when visiting them? I never strip the bed after visiting someone unless they specifically ask me to.

DH always faffs about when we're about to eat, so DS and I start without him now. I’ve cooked the meal and I’m not letting it get cold.

You’re not superior to them just because the majority of people follow your rules.

It’s serve yourself.