Is it normal to start eating?

[Sophie26940]

My parents in law always start eating before I’ve even sat down. Even for special occasions in the dining room. Is this normal for some people? My husband doesn’t do this and gets really annoyed at them. It’s really awkward when we have people over as they will sit and politely wait whilst my PIL have nearly finished. So I have to passively aggressively say “please start”. They still don’t get the hint. They also never strip the bed, they’ll make it perfectly before leaving which is pointless considering I’m about to strip it. They’ll put all the dishes in the sink rather than on the side - how can I wash the dishes if the sink is blocked? I wonder if they’ve never had people to stay before or had a dinner party?It’s getting to the point where we don’t want to host them but they live far away and like to see their grand son so we have to have them. There are a zillion other things that make them a pain to host but I won’t bore you with them!

They are taking their sweet time to sit down if the in laws have enough to time serve themselves and finish their meal before the hosts have even sat down.

Maybe it’s rude to keep your guests waiting so long for the official dinner gong to be sounded?

I've heard countless times that in posh society, you do not wait for everyone to start eating to eat. People eat as their food is serve, especially to ensure the food is eaten at a good temperature. You can imagine why that is the case. Imagine everyone waiting for all to be served at one of those stately dinners on the extremely long tables. Food would be cold.

This idea of waiting for everyone to be served is not a universal thing. Why it is considered polite to do so is beyond me. It's annoying and your guests are likely to be eating cold food just for the appearance of "waiting" for everyone to have their plates before them.

And I'd be thinking 'Why are you treating people like a Labrador? Pack theory is ridiculously outdated'.

I prefer plates on the side rather than the sink because they're going to be scraped and put into the dishwasher, but I clean up as I cook, so the sink is probably going to have a couple of pans and utensils in it already and the side will be clear. If the plates were placed in the sink, either because it's their automatic action at home/they have a large sink or because there are already pots and pans cluttering up the side, it's not something to get all that worked up about in my opinion.

I definitely wouldn't expect anybody to strip a bed, though. It's up to the host to decide when they are ready to do the laundry, unless there's a reason it''s necessary to do it straight away (night sweats, other things).

This!

She clearly just dislikes her inlaws and wants a huge pile on about how awful they are.

Ah, well serve yourself indicates a non-formal dining experience so in this respect, I would not think it odd for them to start eating first. That's a casual meal. A formal dining sit down table meal with plates delivered to the table, I'd expect people to wait (but not the end of the world if they didn't).

The sheets/pots - just different households, certainly not rude. Some people find it rude when guests do strip the beds!

I think good manners, especially at the table, are a sign of respect to others.

My christmas dinner a few years back was less than enjoyable when a niece ate the whole meal before anyone else, and entirely using her fingers.

There is an excellent lad on You=tube who gives advice on how to behave when eating.

Good manners spoil good food......

I wonder if somewhere on a forum there are two in laws complaining about how unwelcome they feel at their own son's house... 🤷‍♂️

I think shorter visits - you sound fed up with them.

Well you heard wrong.

You may be told not to wait by your host though.

My 5 year old has the good manners to wait until everyone is at the table. Not something we have taught him - something he has observed. The other stuff wouldn't bother me. Perhaps they do not know you are going to strip the bed the second they leave and would rather not leave it unmade. Similarly, if they did strip the bed for you they might feel they are adding to the washing etc. And I would prefer people leave their dishes in the sink and not on the side so maybe they prefer that too?

I would never start eating until everybody is sat down. Common courtesy.

It is good manners to wait for everyone, DH and I always do and our DCs are the same but my DF used to eat as soon as his food was put in front of him - he was obsessed about the food being hot and not being wasted or spoiling. So I kind of understood that - different generations where food was scarce and prized - it's difficult to come out of that mindset I think.

If you are doing a serve yourself, which you mentioned, I think there's even less need to wait for everyone to sit down with a plate as it could take some people a while!

I would also say that at least they cleared plates from the table - I think YABU with this. They are trying to help!

Also I would never expect a house guest to strip a bed.

then they probably see that as informal, relaxed and friendly which is how it should be, they're family

I’ve been in multiple situations where people start eating immediately. I find it a bit rude just because I was taught that you should wait til e everyone is at the table but not rude enough that I’d call it out.

The bed thing wouldn’t bother me as it’s obviously done with good intentions and the sink I’d just tell them to put it on the side? DD does the same (sometimes with food!!) and it drives me nuts, but to visitors I’d be a bit more lenient.

If everyone waited for me to sit down, their food would have icicles on it. I’m like a cat on hot bricks when we have guests🤣

I get particularly annoyed about dishes going into the sink rather than at the side. My SiL did this years back, stacked all the plates and put them in the sink full of hot water. She didn't check that any excess food was scraped off. There were even paper napkins between plates!

As for striping the bed, it's always been a thing at my parent's place that someone will ask if the sheets should be stripped or my mom will request them to be or not. If someone has stayed for one night it's not been considered necessary.

Likewise food, wait for the hosts to give the go ahead. That's just good manners.

The rudest thing on the whole thread by far is you passively agressively saying 'please start' to guests who have already started. TBH, I think that if it's a 'serve yourself' meal, people would expect to start before waiting for everyone else to serve themselves, otherwise their dinners would be stone cold, surely no good host expects their guests to eat a cold dinner?
If it was served at the table, I'd expect everyone to wait for everyone to be seated to start.

I also think it's poor hosting to expect guests to strip the bed. A guest who leaves the bed neatly made and put used dishes neatly in the sink is a polite guest with good manners imo.

So all in all, I think your ILs are perfectly polite and you are a little lacking in manners/hosting skills.

That's disgusting.

Why would he eat 8 or 10 large slices of pizza in under 5 minutes?

Was he showing off?

He must've been if he was stuffing down up to two slices in under a minute.

You couldn't have me as a guest then either OP. I wouldn't mind if people start. Food gets cold otherwise. I also wouldn't strip the bed. Never have. Wouldn't even occur to me. My pet hate is dishes on the side. Looks messy. DH does this and it annoys me. I prefer in the sink or even better in the dishwasher. So there you go. People do things differently.

Generally it’s rude to eat before everyone is sat down and has their meal. However there are some exceptions -

1. Someone’s meal is running behind and everyone else’s will go cold
2. Someone is being slow and trying to come to the table 5 minutes after dinner was announced so everyone’s food is going cold
3. People are told to dig in so their food doesn’t go cold.

Were you lagging behind everyone? If not they were rude, if yes you were rude and making everyone’s food go cold.

My ex in laws used to eat before is sat down and I found it really rude. One Xmas is cooked the lot and they did a roast without me there, found it ridiculous

It’s normal for rude or greedy people @Sophie26940

Or those who were brought up without decent manners. And by that I don’t mean knowing which fork to use, but manners as a conscious consideration of others before oneself.

I think I was brought up to start eating as soon as food hit the table.
Actually, we served ourselves out of bowls so everyone started tucking in while waiting for other dishes to be passed around.

Some people don't like seeing dirty dishes on counter, so in the sink (slightly out of sight) is more acceptable.

Maybe you'll take a few days to strip the beds & don't want them to look unmade until then.

I've asked one host person "Should I strip the bed?" and was told to make it instead (!)

Just tell them more directly what you'd like in your house....

Possibly. It's still rude to start eating when everyone else is standing up. It just is.