I hate my children together

[acrosstheyard]

Having more than one is honestly feeling like the worst mistake I’ve made and I think it’s making me quite depressed.

Life is so hard and shit and I look at people with one child all the time and feel so jealous. I love them both so much but I hate parenting them both. If we try to go somewhere it’s ruined because of one of them. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have one; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted.

Thought it would get better but it hasn’t and now believe it won’t.

How old are they?

I’ve had a similar time over Christmas (and before) with us all being off. How old are your kids? Do you have a partner? We have started splitting them up and it’s actually helped as they have realised it’s more fun to be together when they get along. It’s so hard though

How old are they? I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and it’s been really tough especially as 5 year old is suspected ASD and ADHD, but I feel it’s just becoming a bit easier now our youngest can enjoy going to similar places and they play together a bit more now.

You're not wrong about two children being harder work than one. But YABU to think all your problems would be solved with 1. What "limits" do you feel now? What are you prevented from doing and why?

I think it's less likely that this is depressing you than that you are depressed and this is what your mind has fixed on as the problem. Have you thought about anti-depressants?

What are their ages and what are the particular struggles? Is it that they fight, or that you struggle to balance their needs, etc.?

Hard to comment without the ages.

Mine are 8 and 10 and fight a fair amount. Overall they enhance eachother's lives though and I would do the same again.

It’s swings and roundabouts. Two definitely bicker more, but also laugh more together. They have each other through the school holidays. All of the bickering and negotiating is actually helping them build confidence and resilience, and comes from being very close. They will defend each other strongly against anyone else, including me & DH! 😂

My eldest’s best friend is an only child who constantly video calls him as he’s so lonely in the school holidays. Mine have never felt like that, and make a lot of time for this friend.

Five and two. It’s impossibly shit. They both present challenges like all kids but in very different ways. They fight over my attention relentlessly; this morning I had a full on fight on my lap as they both vied for space and meanwhile I’m sat being elbowed and jabbed and punched. The older one does stupid, annoying things that the younger one copies; the younger one does high pitched screams of outrage when bothered or annoyed that just go through me.

I just had the younger one a few days ago and met a friend at soft play with her and my friend commented that she was like a different child, they both are when apart.

I've got 4 - wouldn't change a thing! It definitely gets easier

Also, can you occasionally do something 1:1 with each child? E.g. last year I took each of mine to a separate show to match their separate interests. Doesn’t have a cost a lot- even a separate walk or something.

We have x3 and they're angels 1:1. It can be crazy when they're all together. I'm going to be a Dad for life though and I have to change myself. I love them and will do my best. I try to be patient in difficult moments. I try to see the world through their eyes. Good luck @acrosstheyard. You may even miss these days when you're older.

Have you posted about this before OP?

if you haven’t, there are a couple of threads very similar with pages of good advice. I’ll find them and post them

I don’t know that it’s advice so much I’m looking for. There was another thread knocking around which I saw but that was a very young baby and it’s normal (I think anyway) to feel as if life is upside down with babies. But we’re two and a half years in and in many ways it’s getting worse: the only way it’s getting ‘better’ is that it’s ‘easier’ to get rid of one for a period of time. A few times over Christmas I’ve let my older one go upstairs and watch my iPad but that can’t go on as I really do think it’s having a detrimental impact on his behaviour. I think I just have to resign myself to life being chaotic and shit. It really does feel that way.

I would love to say it gets better but yesterday my oldest (10) spent the whole of a trip out I had promised my middle child moaning, wanting to go home and generally being a wet lettuce. We ended up going home later than oldest and earlier than middle wanted with both in a strop and me thinking FML!!

Mine are 3 and 5 and whilst they play together nicely overall they do bicker like there’s no tomorrow over the smallest things (this morning it was over a bit of string). I had one the other day and that was so blissful, we can do whatever we want and he was just so delightful. I think I need to make more 121 opportunities to really enjoy them as little people more.

Honestly, I no longer think it will get better. I know that sounds really bleak and probably is partly because I’m low, very run down, have no energy after this shit show of a ‘holiday’, but it’s just awful.

Then from time to time I get time with just one and I realise how lovely life could have been. And then I feel so much guilt because it feels like I’m saying I don’t want the other one and I do, I want them both, just not together.

It is hard with 2 at these ages - the fighting and the general noise can really do your head in! But it will get easier as they get older, I promise!

Having a routine really helps - gives the day structure and they know what's coming so there's less 'down time' for them to spend arguing and bickering. There's nothing wrong with giving your older child a bit of tv/ipad time to keep the peace and to give you a break. Get them outside every day to run off steam, even if it's cold just wrap up warm! Give them separate tasks as often as possible - for example can the 5 year old play in their room while you let the 2 year old have a long splashy play in the bath? At the weekend, divide and conquer and get your partner to have one of them so you can do stuff with the other, then swap over. Don't worry too much about doing days out with both of them, if it's stressful - it will be easier in a year or so.

I have a 3 year gap with mine as well. They didn’t fight like yours but it was still hard. I’d say it started to get easier when the littlest was 4 and you could reason with them a bit

My two are very different and will probably never be close. So yes, one would have been much easier.

It most definitely will get easier. 2 is a difficult age. Life gets a lot easier when your youngest child is around 4, I reckon. So you're already halfway there! I have 4, and there was a little bit there where I wondered why I overestimated my abilities so much.. haha.. but then I just told myself, We are here now and we can't change it so I just have to do the best that I can. there's literally no other choice, so I just try and focus on the positives and when you're in a good mood, your children will be happier too. Do you have much support? A helpful partner?

Ps if you’re going to give the older one screen time alone, I’d do TV, not games or YouTube

I have the same gap, it does get easier and now they play nicely together at times. I agree with PPs that the youngest being 3.5-4 was the real game changer. The eldest is then more independent too and they can be left tk play.

I am trying. I try very hard, but nothing I do seems to be very effective.

@Endofyear I am sure you’re meaning to be helpful but if this problem could be solved by getting them outside then it wouldn’t be a problem. They are slightly less hideous outside the house but then I still have a thousand other complications: even things like getting there and managing car behaviour, as soon as we get there they both need something different, one won’t walk so have to carry her around which is hard fucking work (and no, she really won’t walk or go in a pushchair and I’m not dragging her along a concrete ground with reins, so …) Anyway. I know you meant to be helpful but it came across really condescendingly, and yes there IS something wrong with iPad time if it’s leading to massive screaming tantrums when the iPad is taken away.

Would you be open to advice?
Can you listen and take in recommendations?
If you can, if I were you, I would ask for advice and help fron someone you know who is good at the parenting game ... or from a professional.
That's what I did with my dog!!!
And it helped.