I hate my children together

[acrosstheyard]

Having more than one is honestly feeling like the worst mistake I’ve made and I think it’s making me quite depressed.

Life is so hard and shit and I look at people with one child all the time and feel so jealous. I love them both so much but I hate parenting them both. If we try to go somewhere it’s ruined because of one of them. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have one; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted.

Thought it would get better but it hasn’t and now believe it won’t.

I feel your pain. I’m not sure the fighting and vying for your attention gets better for a long time. Mine are angels 1:1 but argue and fight a lot when together. Apart from after mealtimes when they play crazy games together and have a great time for about 45 mins. But I can’t feed them every 45 mins.

maybe teen years thjngs will settle down? No idea, I haven’t got there yet

I find this with the second adult too, what is that about!? You’d think it would make life easier 🤷‍♀️

I do miss ds. I barely spend time with him any more that’s enjoyable

@Poppingby on the contrary it’s given me food for thought and thank you.

The key really is to get in them outdoors more, I used to have a big bag in the car boot of coats hats, mittens socks even spare Wellington’s
And I’d throw them in the car in their pyjamas if necessary if they were playing me up and we just go to the park and add the layers that they wanted when they realised it was bloody freezing
But it was always really really good for them to have an hour or so of running round

You don't mention their Dad, is he on the scene?

Divide and conquer would be my advice. Playdate for your older child - if possible alternating so they go to the friend. Timed with your toddler having a nap. At least once a week when both children go out with their Dad/Aunt/Uncle/Grandparent. At least twice a week when you have one each - you take the older one to swimming/ballet/gym. Then a weekly activity with both parents each one assigned to a child.

This will diffuse their competition for your attention and give you some respite from enduring them together.

Children are significantly better behaved with a caregiver who isn’t their parent. So you seeing X behaviour as a childminder doesn’t mean much.

Love to you OP - anything under 3 is still in the baby hell stage in my opinion. It also sounds like one or both of your DC could be ND. This could explain some of the behaviour and interactions between them and you. ND is a difference from birth.

How do you know she isn’t firm and doesn’t give discipline?

Nope. Second adults makes very little difference! Divide and conquer is the only way!

Agree with this - I was a nanny before a mum and being the nanny was SIGNIFICANTLY easier than being the parent.

I was much younger then as well and knew very little really now I look back on it about how to raise children. So I’m sure I wasn’t doing a better job than I am now

I get what you mean about them being so different!! My two certainly were/are. Eldest was calm, easy going, quiet (but also sociable). Youngest was a firecracker - fiery, noisy, but so stubborn (and the tantrums were hideous). Now I found that hard enough with a 6/7yr age gap, so I'm not surprised that you're wrung out now (I was bloody wrung out then). You're spread thinly, trying to be everything to everyone...and what works for one, doesn't for the other.

Annoying thing was DC2 was like a little cherub with other people, but like the Krakan at home. So people would wonder why the hell I was in tears. Typical eh? Mine are older now - so thing are definitely easier, but I've never forgotten how bloody tough the younger years are. x

No, it isn’t.

Divide and conquer is well and good but it does mean that I end up never seeing ds which I think has affected us now. And sometimes there isn’t anyone to have him.

Neither of them are ND.

That's not helpful, is it? Why do people choose to do anything that might be challenging in some ways and wonderful in others, do you think?

Full disclosure, I only have one child so haven't experienced what you're talking about exactly.

but sometimes when a parent is a bit down children can act up more to get attention and I think if you have two maybe they feel a rivalry for your attention. I'm honestly not trying to make you feel bad, I went through a nightmare once when ds was 3, I was grieving and his behaviour got really bad. My dad actually told me, he's trying to get your attention. If I had two kids during that time maybe they would have turned on each other. . Just my thoughts, I could be wrong. Maybe if you prioritise your own mental health in time it would benefit them too.x

I’m not suggesting that you divide and conquer them read what I actually wrote all the kids in the car, out the door.
They run around until they’re exhausted and then they come home starving they eat good vitamin filled food and their behaviour improves
These methods are time tested. They work ignore them at your peril with your iPad.

Divide & conquer doesn't need too be for everything. Just enough for respite. Is their father around?

Would your kids ride scooters or bikes etc? Thinking about the issue with pushchairs etc. similarly, divide and conquer at times, each take one in a different direction to to different activities! We have 3 and the younger 2 (13 and 8) can be similarly disheartening and I have felt the same at times.

Other option, a sling or carrier for the younger one?

I know people, myself included, are focussing on the outdoors issue etc, but as with many things, most of us are better at trying to find practical solutions than just sympathy! And if you can find a way of exhausting them, it will help.

Everyone is really focused on the pushchair. They aren’t going to be lovely together if that problem was solved! No, she won’t go on a bike or scooter.

@estrogone sometimes. Ideally I would literally never have them together but they isn’t practical. They live in the same house, have meals together, shared spaces. Getting divorced and each having a child wouldn’t even work because of dhs working pattern.

I am exhausted and wrung out and there isn’t an end while with only one there would be, it’s hard not to feel low.

1 and 4 year olds here and its utterly relentless and exhausting and some days do just feel like punishment. However their dad is here, fully present and very much in the trenches with me. This makes it bearable. You mention a DH, is he pulling his weight?

I am a mother of 10. There have been some hard times and iv got kids on different spectrums but overall I have enjoyed my life with my children. Working with them and with their needs and finding what works for them from trials and errors can be hard but will make your life easier in the long run. I also think you need to see a psychiatrist as these feelings can come down to undiagnosed post partum depression that you have been living with and are unaware that it has taken over your life. I think with help you can find joy again with your children.

He’s not around much. Most of it falls to me; it just does. He’s here at weekends and yes we do divide and conquer but also have to go home sometimes, you know?

They do love one on one time, so yeah they are different alone. However to address your issue with the fighting on your lap. I've had that and have a similar age gap. I'll just say. Nope, we don't fight over who sits on mum, I'm getting hurt. And I stand up and place them on different ends of the sofa. Yes it's takes a couple of minutes to calm both children but if I have a calm and even tone and make it clear I'm standing until they are ready to find a solution it eventually settles down.

Same with any actual fighting between them, I address it immediately, I'll say nope, we don't hurt each other in this family we use gentle hands and I move them apart and keep separating until it stops then find activities for everyone.

You can't passively parent at that age at all it's constant fire fighting. Mine are now 4 and 7 and it's much easier, they play together properly a lot, eldest is suspect ASD and ADHD and had health challenges when you get so there was that to juggle too.

It's an emotional and physical juggle a lot of them time but gets better with time. Do you have a partner so you can sometimes divide and conquer?

Being at home alone with the 2 was definitely the hardest at this age. I tried to be out a lot, softplay. Parks, dog walks, baby and toddler groups, meeting with friends etc.

What you actually wrote is the key if getting them outside. It isn’t.

It is hard not to feel low and I would give yourself a bit of grace on that one. You're a human being bringing up other human beings and that is a messy and emotional business in my experience.

Divide and conquer is great when you can do it but it's not always possible and makes it worse when you have to have them together. The more I think about it, the more I treated the three of us as a unit or system the better things worked out. They are not going to operate together without you for now as your 2 year old is too little but the more you do activities you can all engage with the more you will be modelling good relationships and in my view that's the ultimate aim in any family. It does mean it's down to you though.

If you can get a rest, do it. If you can't, I really 100% understand the temptation to slide into misery and sob under the table but RESIST. If you can channel the most annoying cheerleader/ wanky team building boss it is going to be much easier in the medium run.