I hate my children together

[acrosstheyard]

Having more than one is honestly feeling like the worst mistake I’ve made and I think it’s making me quite depressed.

Life is so hard and shit and I look at people with one child all the time and feel so jealous. I love them both so much but I hate parenting them both. If we try to go somewhere it’s ruined because of one of them. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have one; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted.

Thought it would get better but it hasn’t and now believe it won’t.

yep, I hear you. He needs to give you a block of time on the weekend to recharge/get them out of the house for a couple of hours if you are doing most of the parenting during the week. This really helps me I find. You’re not alone feeling like this OP. Hope you get some time to yourself soon.

Well, if you say so, keep going with what you’re doing 🤷‍♀️

Op. We are trying to help. Appreciate you are low and tired and may not want advice. You are coming across quite snippy at best, deliberately berating well mentioned advice.

Good luck. Hope it improves soon.

Thing is, we aren't biologically or neurologically wired to parent in isolation like we do now. That's why it can feel like hell on earth where mothers witness the loss of themselves and a type of complex trauma from all the years of living on edge creeps in.
Alarming? Depressing and frightening? Yup.

It's not you OP, it's the lack of support.

I have a 4 and an almost 2 year old (ds) When they’re together they either play nicely or be nightmares. I’m a single parent and have to do most of the housework/food prep when they’re asleep as they can’t be left unattended and have to spend my time stopping them from fighting over toys or bickering. One on one they’re no bother at all.

It can be really relentless. Today they were fighting over toys in the GP and dentist. Glad to be back home!

They spend most of the fucking time outside. Do you really think I’m stupid and stressed out because I never leave the house with them? Don’t get pissy because your incredibly helpful take on things wasn’t actually helpful at all.

You not sound like you’re coping at all do you?
Best of luck with it all

That's kind of on you too, its important to instil respectful sibling relationships, they're probably feeding off your frustration, hate is an extreme emotion, one that you won't be hiding very well,

I take mine out daily but I find it much harder. My youngest hates going out and cries the entire time in the pram or car and wants to be carried. I find the park utter hell with both of them running in differant directions, cant wait to be home and never find it enjoyable.

My youngest is currently going through tests on his immune system as he has back to back tonsillitis. I’ve been keeping them inside more often when he’s ill and it’s cold and find it much easier.

My children are both older teenagers now but I found the hardest age 2 and 4 (even harder than two under two).

My children would both want me to play with them but would always want to do different things and I often ended up running between them or refereeing.

I found it helpful to set a timer for 5 minutes and let them each have five minutes in charge of what we played together. I also found that game's like hide and seek or physical games like chasing/tickling/turning the lights out and trying to sneak past me etc. worked very well for both.

I think (based on my experience) a two years old child is old enough to not be happy being dragged around after their older sibling anymore but not old enough to properly join in with the games and activities that their older sibling wants to do. I also think a four or five year old often still needs a lot of support.

Just thought I'd pop on to say however you get through this stage you may well find that in a year's time things are a lot easier and both children become more independent or more able to sit at the table and do colouring/drawing/crafting while you are with them both and can enjoy them both together.

It becomes a cycle though if you don’t take them out they don’t burn energy. If they don’t burn energy they don’t eat, if they don’t eat they don’t sleep. If they don’t sleep they become hard harder to handle.
With the exception of being poorly, obviously nobody says it was easy, but you gotta do it

Getting my eldest in the pushchair was hell, I carried him in a sling as the only way to get around without extreme distress and once he could walk he scootered and I pulled the scooter along.

Where a pushchair WAS useful was somewhere to secure him if needed to let me do something that him being free would make unsafe. Say paying in a cafe. He was a runner so buckling him in and letting him scream for 2-3 mins was necessary now and again.

Luckily my youngest did better in a pushchair but also where eldest napped well in noise and chaos youngest didn't so I'd have to go home for her nap and eldest would then be like a caged animal in the house for 2 hours.

I can't stress enough how hard the stage you are at was for me. Same age difference and similar set up. ADHD/ASD boy with fiery temper and endless energy followed by calm girl who would like to spend all day on my knee being ready to and conversed with.

At 4 and 7 eldest is calmer, youngest is wilder and we can take both trampolining, to a park. To a museum, to the cinema and they bothw enjoy it and enjoy each other's company.

Work hard now, step in on every argument. Take deep breaths and co regulate with them. Be exhausted. It WILL get better. This is the first Christmas we've all truly enjoyed more than struggled. They can both be in the car for a reasonable journey without one crying and the other screaming the crying is hurting their ears. Our long car journey this year they listened to yoto cards of kpop demon hunters and the only argument was over which song to play next. It gets better I promise, you're in the thick of it.

@acrosstheyard

I would ignore the kids and their behaviour for a bit and concentrate on what you can change for yourself.

As you've quite rightly said, there is nothing you can do about the kids. You can't give one back, you're not in a place to take advice on behaviour at this time so the kids are what the kids are.

What you could look at is how tired and rundown you are. Some of this will be parenting based, but realistically it isn't all due to having two kids. Your kids behaviour isn't out of the ordinary and the majority of people with more than one child will have dealt with similar issues, but without feeling so negative and overwhelmed and hopeless about it all.

How do you sleep? Eat? Exercise? Have you been to a GP about your low mood? Would you consider anti-depressants? I'd think about these issues and see if you can change things from this side.

You don't feel how you do entirely because your kids are difficult.

I think it depends on the child. My eldest absoloutley needs to be out of the house during the day to burn off his energy. Always has done. My youngest not so much and he will happily stay in and play with his toys or do activities.

Nevertheless they are both out daily.

It is a really hard age 2, and with a 5 year old, I had 2 1/2 years between mine. It will get easier. Does your younger one go to nursery or something sort of childcare at all? It might be worth it if you can afford it. It will allow you time to give your older one lots of attention and possibly make younger one less clingy. Then do some play dates, pre agreed reciprocal ones explain your looking for a regular arrangement to help with child care, where you have an older ones friend over and go to park, do simple sandwich or pizza lunch, playing with toys and an activity like play dough or similar, make it a few hours only. Try and arrange one once or twice a month, make sure you arrange the swap back as some people seem to think they can drop their kid and never return the favour. The older one will get lots of stimulation from having a friend and then be happy on iPad or TV on their own the other half of the day.
Don't feel guilty using childcare it will give you a break. Exercise early in the day helps. Lots of fuss and face to face attention for younger one particularly when they are behaving well, celebrate every little win, and be consistent.
Best of luck, honestly none of us would have children if we realised the drudgery of raise toddlers. 🤣

I have this issue too.

I think you’re in that stage of parenting where it is really hard work, relentless and draining. I promise it’s a phase, it won’t get easier exactly but the challenges will change. You’re stressed because you love them and you care. And whatever you think now you will look back in 10 years and your heart will ache for their sweet little hands and cute little faces, the sound of their voices and while your probably won’t forget how stressed you were you will look back on it with a weird sort of longing to have those days back again.

It sounds really really hard for you. I feel similar actually. My children are 3.5y and just turned 2.
Individually they're delightful. Together my whole day is a firefighting hectic madness. We have the fights over my lap, the fights over toys, the winding each other up poking or screaming. Little one is now hair pulling and grabbing. All my hard work (and eldest's) trying to teach him to manage emotions and verbally ask for help instead of physically lashing out is going up in smoke when littlest is so infuriating to him.

We go outside every day. They are better outside, but the upheaval required with coats gloves and wellies is a lot. Eldest finds putting on gloves or mittens very difficult and will often end up in tears -but he wants to wear them so I have to just go with it and try to help him. Then littlest will want carrying and I can't play with eldest.
I don't think outside is the magic solution. At some point we have to come home and sort tea, play at home. It's funny really, I read posts saying kids today don't learn to be bored, parents provide too much entertainment and trips out, we should let them be bored at home, but then someone posts having problems and the responses are to go out?! What are we meant to do.

I find more and more eldest is playing alone or watching TV whilst I wrangle littlest. Similar to you I find having the other adult around doesn't always help. Actually their behaviour is better with just me- my word is law but when they can cry for Daddy they do. He backs me up though.

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time here. It's absolute ok to need a moan. I don't have any advice. I wish I knew what to do.

Where is their Dad?

Yep it’s hard and this time of year when lots of places/groups are closed, it’s cold and dark, and there’s been the excitement of Christmas and everyone cooped up more seems to make it even worse. Mine are 19 and 17 now (2.5 year gap) but it was so hard when they were the ages yours are now. I used to be practically cartwheeling with joy at going back to work after Christmas. They were also much better behaved with other people and then shits with me. The big one arsed a round and the wee one copied every single thing his brother did even when the big one had been told off! It’s a hard age and you realise if one is ever away somewhere else what a piece of piss life would be with one but they won’t be 5 and 2 forever and it will get easier as they get older

@acrosstheyard

Here's what you know to be true;

You're a good Mum but currently exhausted.

You have two wonderful children, at their best, when 1 to 1 with you.

So, sibling rivalry appears to be the real issue, how best to manage?

Taking account of the fact, you are at your wits end, I'm just suggesting having a wee look at Dr. Bettina Hohnen in the hope it may offer you possible strategies.

Good luck @acrosstheyard gather yourself up, once more, this situation is not insurmountable. 🌺

I found a great softag with a big play area for eldest to run round at speed and then a wee play village where youngest could do small world play and I drank hot coffee and it had a great cafe. I think I've given them about 5% of my salary over the years but I stand by the choice

It sounds really hard OP. I sympathise with you getting a lot of very basic advice that feels condescending. I feel this way with my 2.5yo who is the worst sleeper I know, and I get told by a lot of people just to take her outside every day to burn off her energy (sigh. Never occurred to me). I do hope things change for the better over time x

Sorry but it doesn’t get easier, I have 4 and they are preteens / teens and all the ever do is argue all day long!

You sound burnt out. Not surprisingly.

The way you speak and the way in which you have in some ways resigned yourself and you're not fighting them occasionally means that you're at the stage of preserving the very little energy you have left. I mean this very factually, I'm not judging you. It sounds pretty hellish.

Objectively, you need to recover and the only way I see it is you farm out one of them as much as possible to your partner, extra childcare, extracurricular activities. It's not bad parenting, it's recognising you need to recover and have better physical and mental capacity to deal with them.

Another thing is, farm yourself out. How much time to yourself do you actually get? Because it sounds like you have to make it, as a non-negotiable. You are drained and overwhelmed at the moment and you need to recharge.

As bad as this may sound, I'd also leave them to it absolutely as much as possible. If it's not unsafe for either, leave them alone. There's only so much one can take in terms of managing them.

I think part of what you're describing might be age gap, boredom (for the older one) or the fact they are competitive or have too much energy. If they're not ND, it's probably a mixture of all. And of course it's massively hard on you, this is completely understandable. I hear you, OP 💐