I hate my children together

[acrosstheyard]

Having more than one is honestly feeling like the worst mistake I’ve made and I think it’s making me quite depressed.

Life is so hard and shit and I look at people with one child all the time and feel so jealous. I love them both so much but I hate parenting them both. If we try to go somewhere it’s ruined because of one of them. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have one; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted.

Thought it would get better but it hasn’t and now believe it won’t.

I had twins. It was sooooo hard and I felt a failure at how hard I found it.

Now I have a dear friends with one child and I get to see firsthand just how enormous the difference is between their experience of parenting, and mine. Having two - who fight a lot - isn’t “double the trouble”, it’s about quadruple the misery (for everyone, them too). I wouldn’t wish twins on anyone. Life got a bit easier once they were at school. I feel your pain.

Our nanny also says the same! And my sister in laws nanny.

My kids’ grandmother also experiences really different behaviour from them than we do. I’m like – did you have my kids or accidentally someone else’s??

I often find that parenting twins is like having three children. You have to manage one, the other and then the twin dynamic.

This is a brilliant post.

1 kid is 1 kid. 2 kids is 10 kids and 3 kids is 14 kids a bear and a donkey.

Mine love to fall out but I don’t regret anything, they will be friends when they are older for sure

I sometimes feel like this (I have 2), like I wish they could be only children but I still had both of them, which makes no sense of course!

I think this is some ace advice.

It’s tough OP but I do really think this mindset thing works. My husband finds ours tricky because often arrives into the room expecting parenting to be awful and he’s always lost half the battle. Try to not be a constant pity party, it won’t be helping

i try to be sunny and happy with our kids. When it’s tough I switch into practical mode ‘right children coats on’ ‘right in the bath now’ ‘right not bath tonight, race to put your pjs on …!!’

have a 5 yo, 2.5 yo and a 7 month old. I really really try to find joy in them as much as possible. I’m bloody exhausted as I often have both the youngest in bed with me (husband sleeps in spare room) but I try to see their good bits and enjoy their little characters

I honestly don’t want this to be a horrible post but why are people telling me things like put them to bed in the evening and give them lunch at lunch time like it’s groundbreaking advice? 😂

1. Christmas "holidays" aren't holidays for parents with young children. You're working doubly hard and comparing yourself to all the happy festive people who have warm throws, mugs of hot chocolate and oodles of time. You meanwhile, are strung out trying to manage the kids. Expectations are through the roof.

2. Siblings fight. It's shit and hard. But you have to pick your battles. It's also how they learn to share you.

3. 2 and 5 are hard ages anyway. 2 year olds can be absolute Tasmanian devils in human guise. 5 year olds have a will to match Doctor Doom. Together they tag team you to death.

4. You are not alone. There's a whole army of us struggling through this shit

5. It will pass - one day. Not yet. But it will. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

6. Don't beat yourself up for the things you can't do. Say well done to yourself for getting through another day, another "holiday" and book something nice in for yourself the moment you get some spare time

I have four. Divide and conquer.

Probably because of how you sound, how you're reacting, and that you don't have a boundary over the pushchair and wonder why they tread over every other boundary.

You're being sarky as fuck to people trying to help.

If all you want is a moan, then moan away. You asked if you were unreasonable, people have said yes and tried to help.

@Hercisback1 just give it a rest, we parent differently, we have different lives and different children. I have yet to read a post of yours in relation to parenting which is remotely helpful; it focuses on making the children do as you want them to do and if they cry and get upset, tough shit. I’m aiming for better myself. And I wouldn’t normally take a swipe at someone’s parenting but you’ve done it to me repeatedly on this thread.

1. Ignore posts that make you feel worse. Focus - positivity, small steps, one moment, one day at a time. You've got this!

I don’t for a moment believe I am a shit parent or that I can’t hold a boundary (ffs, some people are obsessed with them.) I am able to decide which issues to let go and which to stand firm about. I get them out every single day, but as others have said this isn’t always the answer. They do a lot of varied activities, I try to limit screen time although that’s been hard this holiday if I’m honest, they are read to, loved and cared for. I’m just not ruining my day, other people’s day and my kids’ day over a fucking buggy!

Of course parenting is about making kids do what you want. Bizzare that you think otherwise. Obviously you comfort them if they get upset, but they're usually only upset because they haven't got their own way. I explain why I'm holding the boundary, and they usually calm quickly.

I wish you all the best. It will hopefully get better and as they grow they'll become easier. Try and look for the good in all they do, distract, praise and laugh with them often.

I am trying. I try very hard, but nothing I do seems to be very effective

I think that you should start by being kinder to yourself. Yes, lots of children adore their siblings and behave beautifully together. But just as many fight like cats and dogs with poor mum/dad stuck in the middle, pulling their hair out, especially when one or both is going through a bit of a clingy stage. And if you’ve got two who fight, no amount of routine or outside play or giving them lunch is going to help. I’m the eldest of four. Obviously I was a delight, but the other three were demons. And I probably fought most with my brother, but guess who spends half his life at my house now?

My advice would be to stop prioritising trying to find ways to stop them from wanting to kill each other and start trying to find ways to get you through it until they’re both at an age where they can rub along nicely together. It will happen, I promise you. You will get there, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. My friend has two that are similar ages. She finds it helpful to have one child with each parent and just go in separate directions for a few hours, then swap the following time. Not so that they don’t argue, but so that she has a couple of hours where there's no conflict. She remembers why she loves them and it gets her through another week.

@Oneisnotamused has written an excellent post. It’s just a case of getting through it without turning to drugs or alcohol!

@acrosstheyardyou’re in the trenches literally the trenches. It’s bloody hard work at times. Mine are 3 and 5 and I feel you so much.

this Christmas has been better on the whole but I’m so ready to go back to work/school/nursery and get some routine back.

I think being off over Christmas in theory is lovely but it’s so full on for everyone. It’s massively overstimulating even when you try for it not to be.

i remember last year crying at lot at this stage and just desperate for some space.

mine also fight a lot. I’ve stopped trying to stop it now. It’s almost like they need to get it out their system and it drives me demented trying to stop it and they carry on. So I shut the door on them and let them crack on. It lasts about 20 min or so.

they also have to be exercised every day. Without fail a bit like dogs. I’ve invested in decent warm boots and coat. The moan but I try to ignore it. Loop ear plugs help me with the high pitched screaming. They also only have one volume which is LOUD. We do softplay a lot but I appreciate this might be more tricky with the youngest. We have thankfully reached the age they can both go in on their own.

they also have screen time. I beat myself up every single time but the reality is it keeps them occupied for 30 mins when they don’t kill each other or want to hang off my arm so I can make us all some food.

the other thing I have noticed is they need to eat more than I think often so have stocked up on stuff. Their behaviour and my tolerance is so must worse with hunger. I literally carry emergency oaty bars at all times.

where’s your DH? Are you getting support? Are you getting any time just you. Not doing house shit. Just you? We have to tag team ours so we both get time away from the kids as well as time together as a four and then one on one with each kid. It’s the only way to survive.

sending solidarity hugs

I also have my own children...

@Hercisback1 there is a middle ground. I’m not going to spend the day sniping at you for your parenting and would appreciate it if you’d knock it off for me. We have different approaches; that’s OK. But I would add yours are a lot older than mine.

This rings very true for me too. Mine were awful together at 5 and 2 - much worse than when the youngest was a baby. I had to be really consistent with boundaries and behaviour expectations and it gradually came together. They’re 15 and 12 now and though they still bicker they’re thick as thieves and have just left to go sledging together.

I agree with others you sound incredibly low, OP. It’s probably going to be impossible to deal with what’s happening unless you tackle that first, difficult as it may seem. Sending all the support and hugs to you.

Hey OP, I haven't read the full thread, but lots of solidarity from me. Mine are 11 and 7, I've tried to take them out twice this holiday and both times it's been shit. They're much better with DP. We don't do a lot as a family, not worth it. I'm often sad about the things we could do with just DC1 (like long haul travel, impossible with dc2 as they are very difficult) but I've just had to try to accept this is the family I've been given and do my best. You're doing great.

sometimes all a person really needs is to be heard, to know that they are not alone in how they are feeling and to find solidarity and empathy from other people in the same boat without being condescended to.

This thread has some REALLY helpful responses. I don’t feel even half as useless or as guilty now.