I hate my children together

[acrosstheyard]

Having more than one is honestly feeling like the worst mistake I’ve made and I think it’s making me quite depressed.

Life is so hard and shit and I look at people with one child all the time and feel so jealous. I love them both so much but I hate parenting them both. If we try to go somewhere it’s ruined because of one of them. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have one; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted.

Thought it would get better but it hasn’t and now believe it won’t.

Firstly two years old is (imo) a hard age. There’s a two year gap between my two and I found we didn’t reap the two child benefit until they were 4 and 6 . Then their age gap didn’t seem so big and they became friends and played together, meaning I got some breaks in the day.
Secondly my experience of a one child family (through friends and colleagues) is that the child requires much more attention than two children do as they want someone to play with them and entertain them.
But tbh for me the concerning thing is you sound like you are struggling with low mood/negative thoughts . Have you considered getting some help with that?

At 2 she shouldn't get a choice re walking or pushchair. If she doesn't walk, she's in the pushchair. Alternatively get a ride on scooter or similar.

The more you post, the more I think some of your issues see down to you not having boundaries. The screaming isn't OK either, that would be a time out in my house.

However I do understand that you're knackered with 2 kids under 6 and finding the energy to change things is difficult.

Honestly @ChikinLikin no, not at this stage. It all sounds fine in theory but when you put it into practice it isn’t effective or helpful. I think because it deals with theories rather than the reality.

@firstofallimadelight the irony is mine do play fairly well independently, especially the younger one, funnily enough. My older child is perhaps less so … he can be quite destructive (often without really meaning to be) but I can go to soft play with him or to a big country park, not see him for several hours (I’m exaggerating there for effect but you know what I mean) and he’s happy.

I do know I’m having a complete pity party here but I’ve cried so many times this holiday as neither of them are getting what they need from me despite me trying so hard. You can even see it in the comments ‘parent them’ ‘have you thought about a routine and getting them outside’. And that’s probably what others think, that I’m just really poor at parenting. But they are so damn NICE alone I surely can’t be THAT bad?!

My kids (7 and 3) are the same. The fighting is absolutely relentless. If I walk out of the room, within seconds (and I mean about 20 seconds, and I mean every time) there is a thud/crash sound as one hits/kicks the other and the shrieking starts up. It’s bloody awful and I’m constantly on edge. The younger one is usually the physical aggressor but the older one picks at him and sets him off first. Truly the only time I relax is when they’re both buckled into their car seats and physically restrained from each other. Im exhausted

Your kids are very young OP.

Certain things will get better. Older children generally don’t resort to high pitched screaming or want to sit on your knee.

My kids are 5 & 7, different genders are sometimes get on great and sometimes kill eachother. They sometimes want to both sit on me, fight over who gets to sit beside me, always fight over who got more of X. I have found myself screaming “stop fighting!!!”

As hard as it can be I’m still glad they have each other.

Your kids are fighting over resources and you’re the resource. It’s all pretty primal. They both need to feel secure and they feel the need to compete with eschother for it.

The 2 year old is essentially like another woman to the 5 year old. Reassure him/her that they are still special, and take them out for a hot chocolate etc.

The 2 year old is too young to reason with but that will change.

Try to reinforced the benefits of having a sibling as they get older.

My two both tell me they don’t care about the other one. I’d be sad about it if I wasn’t so tired!!

How utterly condescending. 🙄

Just heard them start up as I wrote that (DH with them downstairs)

@Hercisback1 see I’ve seen you post things like that before and again it’s fine in theory.

In practice it involves forcing her - and don’t underestimate how much a resisting toddler can fight back - into a pushchair; shoving limbs in, pushing tummies down … it feels fucking horrible to be honest, like you’re wrestling her. Then she screams. I can’t talk to ds; I can’t enjoy anything, it also impacts on other people’s enjoyment if you’re at an event or something (we were actually at a wildlife park yesterday and tbh I’m not sure I want to inflict a screaming toddler on the poor deer and meerkats.) She is quite clingy to me generally but this is exacerbated when ds is around.

@Playingvideogames i am constantly waiting for a scream. I’m edgy and irritable and tense ALL the fucking time.

They're nice alone because there's no competition for you and your attention. Mine are exactly the same, always better behaved 1:1.

Honestly op I think your a bit depressed, what starts as occasional negative thoughts can easily spiral into a negative story of your life and that’s where your at currently. You can’t change your situation and the negative thoughts are unhelpful as they are making things feel worse. You need to look at ways to change your outlook, be that counselling, yoga, meditation, medication, hypnotherapy or something else that can help you feel better about yourself and your life.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. It sounds really hard. I have one child aged 3 and often feel really jealous of people who have 2 children. I’d love for mine to have a sibling and worry about her growing up an only child and how she’ll feel when she’s older or when I’m no longer here, but I’m a single parent and I just know I couldn’t handle having 2. I struggle now with one, so I really do feel for you having 2. I genuinely dont know how people do it.

I've had to force mine, like you describe, into a pushchair. But you only have to do it a few times before they realise where the line is. At the moment she knows you won't force her, she can refuse to walk, and then you'll carry her.

It's worth the screaming etc for her to realise that what you say is what happens. Instead you now resist taking her out because it hurts you to carry her. Do you not see how backward that is?

You also need to play the long game. If she's worked out at 2 that she can scream and get what she wants, life isn't going to get easier.

Just offering solidarity @acrosstheyard 💐
You're in the trenches. It's exhausting. I joined a parenting support group and we meet via zoom. Could you find something like that?
Kids go through phases - and my older dc has really struggled since I had my 2nd. There isn't a day without tears and arguments at some point. You will start to see improvement. Hang in there. Find some support irl as well.

You'd let your dc be on your lap kicking and punching you? You'd let your toddler dictate if they go in their pushchair or not?

Empathy from me. I love my kids individually but when they are together it is relentless with the bickering. And the oldest is almost a teen now so hasn’t got that much easier. I allow the oldest to sleep in as long as possible so there are at least a few hours peace in the morning. And splitting our family into 2 pairs can work too! Sorry, not exactly optimistic.

Come on, OP. They’re 2 and 5. You say you understand why people feel this way with babies – why wouldn’t you with a 2yr old? A great many people find 2 a very unpleasant age for a good reason. A 2yr old also can’t developmentally play the way a 4 or 5 year old can. A 4 and a 7 year old will be much different.

I have twins and I get the sibling problem, honestly. They are much better behaved apart. But even they didn’t start interacting with each other properly until 4yrs old.

It depends, doesn’t it? I do often think other people don’t have these problems and I see many toddlers happily sat in pushchairs so it may well be a me problem but that doesn’t really help since … I’m still me.

Better you than me.

I am an only child ( and a girl) so when I had two boys I realised I needed help with figuring out how to bring them up as I didn’t want one of those crazy fighty houses that seem like chaos. My husband has a brother and they are not close (despite being 18 months apart) pretty much due to fairly shit parenting by his parents so all I could learn from him was what NOT to do.

So, I read from cover to cover “Siblings Wothout Rivalry” and this was very helpful. I did a few things;
Never compared the two of them, even favourably.
Set them up as a little team
Explicitly taught the younger one to play in a way the older one would like
Was zero tolerance on any physical altercation
Taught them that if I had to intervene in a dispute, the outcome would be boring and they wouldn’t like it but if they could sort it out together the outcome would be better.

Your 2 year old is just old enough to start learning some of these things, and by no means did it always work, but mine are now 13 and 15 and get on very well and if they need time apart they just say it.

However, they also have very complementary personalities (one like me, one like DH) which I have to accept is a massive part of it as well as one of them is just pretty easy going and chill.

We also did a lot of divided play when they were smaller but you can’t do it all the time, they have to figure out how to live in the same place together in relative harmony.

Mine is like this. He doesn't have a choice. 😂

She didn’t say she ‘let’ them, she’s simply describing something that happened that was difficult.

Try to be more human when interacting with struggling people.

You're the one that can actively change though.

My kids used to go rigid so I couldn’t get them into a car seat! Good times! Stuff likes that gets better.

Thats good advice above re the siblings without rivalry book. But as I said before, I think you should ask an 'expert' to spend a few days with you and the kids and ask them what they would do differently.

How obtuse. Do you actually think OP invited her dc to have a fight on her lap; that she just sat there waiting until they were done; that she wouldn't have been trying to separate them; that she just sat with her mouth shut? FGS get off your high horse. 🙄