I hate my children together

[acrosstheyard]

Having more than one is honestly feeling like the worst mistake I’ve made and I think it’s making me quite depressed.

Life is so hard and shit and I look at people with one child all the time and feel so jealous. I love them both so much but I hate parenting them both. If we try to go somewhere it’s ruined because of one of them. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have one; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted.

Thought it would get better but it hasn’t and now believe it won’t.

Its not you - it depends on the child. I had 2 that loved sitting in the pushchairs, didn’t want to walk anywhere to the point of laziness! Then along came my third. Had to be wrestled in and second she could escape she would! Wanted to walk everywhere but not safely. My issue is mine fighting, at all times over everything small stupid thing. I will say there are times now though that they are friends, they do get along and in those small moments I’m glad they have each other.

It’s been chaotic and shit in my house for a good six years but you will be glad to know this Christmas was really lovely and the kids weren’t too bad, so there is hope.

I get the tiredness but we did have phases for both our kids where we had to force them into the pushchair, on the buggy board or to walk. Eventually they pick one of the options, and they stop kicking about.

Our youngest is particularly difficult when it comes to walking. We do drag her for a bit, or walk away (if it's safe). And eventually we just pick her up on one shoulder if she refuses to walk. We try to make it as uncomfortable as possible for her, and she's slowly giving in.

I feel the same, 2 girls only a year apart 8 and 9 absolutely chalk and cheese, can’t agree on anything, not into any of the same things, fight argue and bicker all the time and constantly winding each other up.
They share a room too so no break, one is messy, one is not. They can’t even agree what to watch on tv and It is a nightmare sometimes.
I love it when one has a play date or something to go to because like you say when we just have one they are the loveliest and we really enjoy each other’s company but together is exhausting, they are constantly telling on the other so I’m just refereeing yet another tit for tat squabble they’ve come to me with and there’s little joy in that.
I have been telling myself for years it’ll get better as they grow up and they love each other really but it’s actually got worse as they age they seem to grow further apart and become more competitive and the bickering continues.

Mine are 10 and almost 3 and they’re also a nightmare together, both girls and constantly winding each other up. The 10 year old is worse in some ways. They can bring out the absolute best in each other but more often the worst. We are constantly having to tell the 10 year old she knows better and having to tell the toddler off for things that wouldn’t be an issue without her having access to things older children play with e.g. wanting to watch the 10 year old play Roblox, do Lego etc, it feels like they’re better off being separated a lot of the time we’re at home. It’s fine when we’re both around and haven’t got much to do but it’s when we’re cooking dinner/tidying up the toddler will gravitate towards the older one and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

Being bothered doesn't make you a good parent. Wringing your hands saying woe is me doesn't make you a good parent. I just dont understand all the mainly mums on here that just sit there and allow their children to hurt them. A bit of discipline amd firmness is necessary.

I'm not offended and don't want or need ass kissing - I just think being called condescending, for trying to make a few suggestions that have worked for me, is uncalled for! But thanks for your input 😂

I understand this feeling, I have a 5.5 year old, a 3.5 year old and almost 2 year old. It is so overwhelming and monotonous at times but I do feel it has gotten slightly more manageable since middle child got to nursery in September as he had naturally progressed. The older 2 still fight (they are boys, youngest is a girl) and I'm now waiting on my youngest to kick off with "terrible 2s" but either I have become hardened to the shit show or its slightly more manageable this past few months. I have also given my husband no other option than taking the eldest 2 out regularly to parks etc so i can tidy the house, reset and spend time with youngest. Hang in there OP, and when they are fighting to sit on your knee remember you are their entire world and it won't always be that way x

I also have a 5 and 2 year old. I understand what you mean OP. Anytime I just have one of them on their own it’s so much more manageable and I feel like I can truly enjoy them instead of just manage them, the constant squabble and conflicting needs can be all consuming. But my two year old is almost three and I can see glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel, they’re starting to properly play together, their interests are starting to align and ultimately I’m glad they have each other (even if some days all they do is fight!). I think about the future when they are closer in age on holidays and I’m glad I bit the bullet and had two. It will get easier (hopefully!).

I’ve two boys - 9 and 4 - and it’s fucking awful at times. Most of the time, actually.

Me and my brother were like this OP and I'm afraid to say that it never got better, we were still having physical fights at secondary school age. It's the reason I chose to only have one!

Agreed. Peak Mumsnet nastiness.

OP, I salute anyone who has kids with a close age gap. Mine have a nearly 7yr age gap (ok, because DC1's dad walked when I was pregnant), and that was hard enough at times. DC1 was a piece of cake: easy baby/toddler and easygoing as a child - no fuss with bedtimes/mealtimes, getting into car seat/stroller, walking with me down the road etc. Like a smug fool, I thought I had the parenting thing down to a tee. Then DC2 was born and Mother Nature flicked me a v: I parented the same way, put in/enforced routines/boundaries/rules (all the stuff that's recommended) but DC2 was the complete opposite of DC1. Tantrums, screaming, bolting etc... I remember the forcing of The Stiff Planking Toddler into the car seat or the push chair....so it's definitely not a "you" thing. I remember being in tears and questioning my sanity many times.

YANBU to feel as you do now. But you're in the middle of running the gauntlet. The only thing I can suggest (which I know doesn't exactly help you now) is time. Giving things time...oh and getting help. So - if possible - would family or friends help out with having the kids so you get decent one on one time, or even some time to yourself? Would it be possible for booking them into a creche/holiday club or something like that for a bit? My friends and I would have each others kids for a morning/afternoon/day so that we'd get a bit of time out/a break. Just do what you need to help yourself through the difficult times. As the kids get a bit older, then (from my own experience) things got a bit easier. xx

You're welcome. ☺️

I have skimmed the posts a bit so sorry if I’ve missed anything. I am grateful for the responses. I do think some of you perhaps don’t fully understand my predicament with some issues. For example, I can see there has been a lot of focus on the pushchair and honestly it isn’t a hill I want to hang myself on particularly: I don’t really care if she goes in it or not. I am sure after a fight I could get her in it but honestly I don’t want to spend my days fighting her and then listening to her crying and screaming and flinging herself from side to side and twisting round with her arms up crying ‘mummy, mummy.’ The thing is, she is loved dearly and she isn’t my adversary or enemy, she’s my daughter and if she wants to walk a bit be carried a bit walk a bit be carried a bit that’s OK. What is tricky is I have another child as well. I was writing about that as a way of trying to explain how hard the days can be in giving them both what they need: ds would run all day, but I can’t charge after him with a hefty toddler in my arms (she’s not really but you know what I mean.)

With some issues for all of us we let some things go and we stand firm on others. The pushchair is not something that is so critical to me I am prepared to ruin days out over it, it really is that simple.

I also don’t think the childminder who posted understands small children (or even older ones) as well as she thinks, children behave very differently in childcare settings to home. At nursery, my two year old eats cauliflower cheese and other unspeakable objects. It’s very normal and as much as I may be down on my parenting in other contexts I know that one isn’t me.

Obviously I can’t change things now but I am definitely finding things such a challenge to manage. @Endofyear i am sorry if you felt personally attacked in some way but if you read your post back Having a routine really helps - gives the day structure and Get them outside every day to run off steam, even if it's cold just wrap up warm is condescending, no matter how kind the intent may have been. Neither of those things have been particularly helpful.

A lot of the problems are simply that they aren’t really problems: someone posted about their child singing jingle bells and that’s the sort of thing that happens here a lot. Or they are both trying to talk to me at once, or both needing something at the same time.

I am wrung out and I feel like I’ve nothing to give them even though I’m giving them everything I have.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Parenting any young children, let alone two or more, is not for the faint of heart!

Have you been in touch with any specialist organisations that may be able to help, practically and/or emotionally? For example:
https://www.familylives.org.uk/
https://www.home-start.org.uk/
https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

If you're rung out (understandably) is there a way you could spend less time as the primary carer?

I didn’t want to comment as my children are grown now, but I completely agree with you on these boundaries. My grandson has known since he could walk that if he isn’t in the pushchair, he walks alongside it, holding on to the side: His childminder’s orders for when she is out with 3 little kids. He does it when he is out with us, with no other kids, until we say, ok you can run into the playground now. You do have to have strong boundaries, calmly enforced. That’s what’s happened with the 2 year olds “ happily” sitting in the pushchair. They know what’s expected.

I also recall the utter desperation you can feel when parenting was going wrong and you don’t know what to do, so I feel for you, OP.

@TicTac80 one of the issues (I would say the main issue actually) is that their lovely points and their challenges are so very different.

My son is fiery, prone to getting angry quickly when frustrated (sometimes with me / dad) but also eg if a toy isn’t working or similar. He can also be really, really silly (I know, he’s five so expected to a point) but his listening skills are frankly dire, say his name a hundred times and blanks you, open a crisp packet anywhere in a two mile radius and he’s by your side, he can be way too enthusiastic and break / destroy things without intending to which I find frustrating.

But … he is energetic and brave, participates with great enthusiasm and enjoyment, is polite usually makes friends easily, sociable and exuberant. He also has a very kind side: he is very caring towards animals and younger children.

DD is much more cautious and superficially seems a much easier child than ds did at her age. She will calmly play with toys, she ‘shares’ things, she will sit down if needed and chill. But the flipside to that is that she doesn’t participate in things with the same amount of enthusiasm: she will hold back and not get involved. She is two so we do have tantrums over seemingly nothing and it’s obviously something to her but sometimes there’s not much you can do. She covets what her brother has and ‘mine MINE’ is a near constant refrain at home; it isn’t in other settings which is really frustrating.

So alone they are much easier as you can play to their strengths. They just are.

Well I do know I’m not going to get into a full on fight with a toddler. The pushchair is really not important, clearly it was to you. Christ knows why but it was. You do you as they say.

It does make me wonder sometimes why people choose to have children knowing there is so much evidence out there that they can make you miserable.

There are definitely things I've done with my 4 year old that I couldn't imagine having the mental capacity to do with two.

For example right now we're on a month long trip to Thailand and she has been absolutely fantastic throughout. I have seen people do it with 2 so it's totally possible, I'm probably too weak a person though.

You probably have more strength than I do so there is that

My autistic 4 year old is an absolute JOY to spend time with as long as it’s 1:1… when baby DD is around (so practically all the time) or even a second adult around his behaviour really deteriorates. I miss our days out together but as I’m breastfeeding DD that’s not gonna happen again any time soon

It's sad you feel that way. But I also don't judge. I just mean sad in general you can't enjoy it. I feel a lot of people are trying to pull info out of you that is unnecessary. I think you've done what me and my wife nearly did. Some people are better at dealing with being a parent than others. I see other people in the full stress of children and I envy them. We have a 9 year old DD and I love her to bits. Wouldn't change a thing but it's tough. Both me and my wife have struggled in different ways. Especially as we both had to work too. And our DD is essentially a very easy low maintenance child. It was more the shift to losing our own space and time. Losing our time together. The transition from a couple to being parents. We've really had to work at keeping that going. And at one point we thought of having a second one but decided against for all of those reasons and I'm glad we did. I think it would have been too difficult. I know this post doesn't help you at all. I just wanted to cut through all the people saying children are the best thing ever and hopefully you'll feel less alone.

I had two very close together and various stages nearly killed me. I'm not joking. One thing that I realised - and you won't like this - is that the three of us were a little ecosystem and the mood of the ecosystem was completely ruled by my mood (I think my metaphor has broken down a bit but you know what I mean 😁). I found if I could pretend I was in the best mood ever for long enough the bickering would stop. It's very upsetting because it really does all depend on you but I think at these ages it just does, I'm afraid.

One other mystifying thing that helped was playing a 'rough housing' game where we would play fight together the three of us. They would jump on me and I would screech, tickle, pretend to eat etc them together. They bloody loved it and it made the three way dynamic much better. Don't ask me why. I have 2 girls by the way.