I hate my children together

[acrosstheyard]

Having more than one is honestly feeling like the worst mistake I’ve made and I think it’s making me quite depressed.

Life is so hard and shit and I look at people with one child all the time and feel so jealous. I love them both so much but I hate parenting them both. If we try to go somewhere it’s ruined because of one of them. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have one; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted.

Thought it would get better but it hasn’t and now believe it won’t.

Sending hugs OP. They will get over this stage and it will get easier.
I’m not saying you have to do as we did, your parenting choices are completely your own to make—it’s just what worked for us as parents.
Plenty of times I wrestled my eldest into the pushchair. Or did time outs when he was screaming(no matter where we were, as long as I could do it safely). He’s 17 now and towers over both of us. He’s a kind, considerate, respectful young man. I’m glad I fought those battles when I did. It was unpleasant, but he learnt that we have boundaries that he could not cross. If I hadn’t taught him as a toddler, I wouldn’t have a hope of doing it now.
I did similar with my youngest although she was generally less challenging as a toddler.
Draw a line for them, have a consequence in place to use when they cross it, and stick to your guns EVERY TIME. Yes, it’s unpleasant. Yes, they hate not getting their own way. Yes, it’s hard. But it will pay off if you are consistent and honestly you will thank yourself, when they are teenagers, for putting the work in now.

We have a 2.5 and 4 year old, so I completely understand what you mean @acrosstheyard . They're both very active and annoying in their own way, but also copy each others stupid ideas which amplifies everything by x100s. We often says we just need 2 cars, 2 houses etc...

For instance, my 2.5 yo love singing but after 10 days of Jingle Bells to the top of her lungs or making silly voices with her brother, I just can't stand it! I'm sure it would be lovely if it was just her...

One thing we noticed over the holiday with my family is that my siblings are a lot stricter than us for that kind of things. They have more children and their eldest are teens, so in think it's just experience over time.

I think we've been too lenient supporting the screams, fight playing, chasing each other, arguing over "yes" or "no" all day long, because they're just kids playing (although one always end up crying). And that we had to pick our battles!

But since coming back this week, we've been a lot stricter with "adult time and space". It's working-ish and i think with time it will get much better.

I'm sure it'll get better. It's such a tricky age. Mine are 6 are almost 3. DD turning 6 and gaining in maturity is making a difference. I relate to so much of what you say but don't feel like it's always going to be like this, I feel confident it won't. Our family also brings infinitely more chaos and noise than the single child families we know so I understand that feeling. You will get through it!

It really will get better. For us, the younger one getting close to 3 years old was the turning point.

@acrosstheyard solidarity to you! I have a 2.5 to daughter who screams if my 5yo son goes near her, looks like he might touch something or heaven forbid ACTUALLY touch something that she is playing with or intended to play with at any point in the next week or so! She also refused to walk or go in the buggy so needed to be carried while out and about until recently when she has got a little better.

I'm ashamed to say that until I had a child who refused to do something I thought it was a parenting issue too, I now know it's definitely not!!

My 5yo seems to thrive on being silly and encouraging his little sister to do the same. Every day seems relentless and isn't helped by sheer exhaustion.

I don't know the answer to make it better, I'm looking for them myself, but you're not alone!!

OP reading your post I can’t help but think that your attitude to all this may be contributing to the way that your children are behaving. Ours are the same ages and whilst there are moments I cannot relate to the intensity of feeling that you’re describing.

Are they vying for your attention because they’re not getting enough of it? Do you have any support? I haven’t seen mention of a partner in this?

I would also suggest that 1 on 1 time with each child is essential and not a reflection of failure to spend time all together.

My dc must have read the same toddler handbook! 😂

Also: arms straight up overhead when you try to lift them so they slip out like an eel; or flopping on the floor like a rag doll then log rolling as you try to pick them up. 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Would your youngest go in a sling? Carried on your back? I did this a lot at that age for walks. I know it doesn’t help the rest of the time but it might be a bit of peace while you go for a walk?

My 9 and 11 year olds are horrendous. Great until about 2 years ago then the laat year they have turned vile. The 9 year old has always looked for a fighf but 11 year old managed to divert, de-escalate etc. It seems in the last year that 11 year old has had enough and provokes a fight/bickering etc. Its horrible. YANBU.

They are children. YOUR children! The way they act and behave reflects in part on how you are parenting them and your attitude. I have 4 kids (grown up now) and never felt like that, despite the fact that there were times I was just really drained and tired from having four children within a six year period, being in my mid 30s when I had the first and working full time in a stressful and fast paced job! Things DO get better!

Maybe start spending more one on one time with each of them? Try to bring out the best in each. Are they squabbling? Is one jealous of the other maybe and acting up? Is the second one maybe aware in some level that you are regretting having another child? If so…. then you’d better try to reverse that because it’s a lot for a child to feel “resented”….

Personally I just can’t see the point in you wishing things were different. As I said in the beginning, they are your children and it was your decision to have them, so you’d better try to get on with it. Do your best to try to make the situation better. I’m sure there are other adults (father of the kids? His family/your family) who would support you if you asked them. Get out of the rut, start thinking more positive and change things for the better! It can be done! Good luck!

But don't you see that they are happily sitting in the pushchair becuss their parents arent carrying them? They've been given the choice of pushchair or walking and they have chosen pushchair. Just like yours would. Instead you're letting the 2 year old rule the house and ruin your life. Literally.

@acrosstheyard I recognise myself in you. I was depressed for a long time, you are saying pretty much everything I used to say and think about the situation. My depression definitely contributed to the dynamics in my household. Agree with a PP above that you're the resource they are fighting over. But this is so, absolutely not your fault, you are not at fault, you are not doing anything wrong. If you're depressed (whether that's for situational, medical or other reasons) then there's nothing of you to give or take and the kids know that.

I think you need to put your own oxygen mask on now; I know how irresistible it is to go online looking for inspiration, confirmation, comfort and rescue. But it won't really help. I'm sorry.

Please do read "Siblings Without Rivalry", I found that SO helpful. Also try "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk". Those books were game changers for me when I was in your shoes. Your depression will tell you there's no point in reading them, how could they possibly apply to you, they're too long and you need answers now, etc. Please ignore that voice and read them anyway.

You could also look up the drama triangle. It's a brilliant resource for understanding the roles we all play in these situations.

My situation did get better, my kids are 9 and 11 now and they're brilliant together. But things didn't get better because they changed, but because I did.

Oh parenting. That’s what’s missing, thank goodness you came along to someone posting on a parenting forum to offer this helpful advice 🙄

Mine are the same OP. We try to divide and conquer as much as possible - one child in the kitchen, the other in the sitting room. We take them to separate activities on Saturdays (my youngest is nearly 4 so it is getting easier as clubs, birthday parties etc are kicking in). We seat them away from each other at the kitchen table and if both parents are in the car then one of us will sit in between them in the back seat.

I think part of it is about letting go of the expectation that family time will be relaxing or harmonious. That is simply not the case for everyone and most siblings do fight behind closed doors. I am hopeful it will get better at some point and in the meantime I just try to keep them busy and separated.

It just doesn’t work like that, 2 year olds aren’t that consistent.

I think asking for advice for paid professional like child psychologist or occupational therapist might help. If they go to nursery or school ask school for advice.

Can you give some more examples of the dynamic between them and the issues /behaviours that come up?

It’s very possible things will improve with age , so don’t give up all hope.

Ok, it certainly wasn't meant to be condescending, I have 5 children and I was telling you what worked for me! But you sound like you're not really open to suggestions so I guess you'll just have to carry on as you are.

Thats a hard age but it gets easier! Wait a year and the younger one will become much more able to do things that are fun for the oldest. You can also do things that encourage them to get along better:

• co-operative games where they have to work as a team to win
• ignore/punish tale telling
• overlook situations where they slightly cheekily work together to do something a tiny bit naughty, to foster a sense of loyalty and teamwork between them
• make sure you take them shopping to choose each other birthday and Christmas gifts
• reward all kind behaviour towards each other heavily

It really does get better. I'm currently sat on the sofa with a book & a coffee, my almost 9 year old is playing a board game with my 6 year old and is helping her when she gets stuck. No one has bothered me at all since breakfast. Earlier I heard them plotting to steal oranges from the fruit bowl. They are allowed them anyway but I've let them think they are getting one over me.

:D

You are only seeing a moment in their day and when we're struggling all we see is how much easier everyone else has it.

God I'm shattered reading this. I needed it actually, after reading thread after thread about the guilt around having only children.

I have a 6 year old and it's a glorious age when there's just one of them.

I felt in the trenches when my daughter was 1-2 and I just had her. So I can only imagine how hard it must be if they're fighting etc.

I know that's not very helpful, but it just goes to show reading some of the replies, having two doesn't always guarantee a much easier life because 'they've got each other'. My older brother was a bully growing up and I'd have been quite happy having no siblings.

All you can hope for is they grow out of the bickering, and split them up a little more often and enjoy them 1:1.

Mine (boy and girl) 18 months apart, seemed to fight from the moment they clapped eyes on each other. 🤷‍♀️

But, they knew they wouldn’t get away with too much carry on around me. Bad behaviour bought consequences with loss of privileges.

I didn't have a car, so it was pushchair or walk.

It wasn’t easy then, and it’s not easy for those with squabbling kids now.

The good news is that they are adults now and they get on just fine. 👍

I'm a childminder of close to 20 years, I've looked after dozens of 2 year olds. They need narrow boundaries, calm consistent routine and little in the way of negotiation.

A parent can control the environment and the rules and children quickly understand whats expected and what's happening next. Behaviour will improve. When you are wishy washy with boundaries then children will set their own!

Yep I can remember that joy! It's a battle of wills, eventually they have to relax and then you click the seat belts. OP it's a tough time but nothing you've said sounds unusual. I had 3. Distraction methods are best. Stop beating yourself up that you can't give each of them your undivided attention.

What a horrible comment to someone who’s struggling. She is clearly a good parent otherwise she wouldn’t be bothered about leaving the oldest on the iPad. Honestly some women are just so awful on here.

But you sound like you're not really open to suggestions so I guess you'll just have to carry on as you are.

Not condescending, you say? 🙄

FGS the OP sounds emotionally depleted and in despair. But, do go on being offended she hasn't kissed your ass thanking you for your advice especially considering you're an expert with 5 kids and all. 🤦‍♀️