Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

[Daisychain67]

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

I think it sounds like this man is far too controlling to be living with you. If you need to get up at 6.30, that’s when you need to get up.

I would let him move out.

Set your alarm for when you need to get up. It is not for him to tell you otherwise. He sounds controlling and detrimental to your life and he shouldn't be living with you if that's the case.

I think you need to get up at the time that works for you, but the two alarms thing would upset me. I used to get SO angry at Dh hitting the snooze button as I find it really painful to wake up. Could you work on sleep? Is there another way to manage a single alarm?

Or more simply, could you just sleep apart?

YANBU but he is vvvvvvvvvvvu.
he doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

You’re a grown woman! Get up at the time you need to that benefits you and your daughter, you don’t need the man’s permission to do so! If it disturbs him then a compromise, 0645, for example?

Put your dc first and get up at the time you need to be up and ready on time. He shouldn't be dictating to you your morning routine. If he needs that extra half hour sleep in the morning tell him to go to bed half an hour earlier.
I hope you're not including getting his breakfast or making his lunch in your morning routine, thus adding to your morning stress too.

I think the fact that you felt you needed to ask his permission to change your routine is a huge red flag. Honestly, get away from this man.

Your house . If he doesn't like it he can leave . You and your daughter are more important.

This

tell him to get out.

I do understand why he doesn’t want to be woken (further to my above post) as I also hate being woken up before I have to be.

But your current system isn’t working. You need to get up earlier, and that’s that. Your child needs to be at school on time. My son has ADHD and I remember struggling to get him in at the right time at that age (7/8) as he had no sense of urgency and also struggled to wake up. It was made very clear that those first 10 mins or so of the day are incredibly important- and so we tried various things to make sure we were there on time.

Your partner can wear earplugs or he can not live with you/ not sleep in the same room if there’s space.

I won’t tell you not to set multiple alarms as I know some people (including me - often those with ADHD) just have to and won’t wake if they don’t.

Set your alarm for the time that works for you and hopefully the trash will take itself out again.

although we no longer work my dh has a daily 0700 alarm...drives me batty as no one gets a sleep in should we not have slept well during the night.
when we worked he had a 5am alarm and yes falling back asleep was near impossible knowing mine would be going off at 0630.
separate bedrooms?? if you get along?? if not dump him as it won't get better.

If he leaves at half 7, half 6 is a perfectly reasonable time for him to get up. And he could use the extra half hour to help get her ready.

@Daisychain67

"I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am"!!

You are a grown woman, no asking required.

I would suggest that he's probably controlling your life in many other ways too @Daisychain67

It's not healthy for you but more importantly, your daughter, she's watching how you deal with men, passively. Not good, is it, really?

At the beginning of your OP you said “we have an 8 yr old”, and later you mention partner moving in 4 years ago. Is your partner the 8 yr olds Dad?

But either way, you should be able to set your alarm as you like, in order to get both yourself and your child ready. I’d seriously be considering if there was a future with this man.

I think you should get up when you need to. This is not something you need permission for

On a school day I like to be up before everyone to use the bathroom and have a cup of tea. I set my alarm for 6. 20. Dh gets up at 6.50 to use the bathroom before the kids get up.

When I am getting up early and DH isn’t I set my smart watch up to vibrate.

This. He certainly isn't making your life, or your daughter's easier. He sounds selfish and controlling.

Yes he’s her dad, we split up for a couple of years when she was first born but got back together around 4 years ago

Well fck him, basically - you do what you need to in order to manage your time.
Let him move out again. He should be helping you manage things, not trying to control your behaviour in order to maximise his own convenience.

He’s being a dick, but it’s also no fun to be woken up by someone else’s alarm. I use the alarm on my smartwatch which silently vibrates. Could you try something like that as a compromise?

What a weird man! How can he stop you from setting an alarm needed to get up on time? And at the cost of your child going late to school? How much extra sleep is he getting and why isn't he also helping get your child ready for school? This is totally mad! You absolutely have to stand up to him.

Yanbu since when does someone else get to decide when you get ip?! This is controlling and completely unacceptable. I could perhaps understand it if you were setting an early alarm and not getting up, bc my dh used to do this and it was SO annoying, but otherwise yanbu!

This post nails it completely.