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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

231 replies

Daisychain67 · 02/01/2026 00:50

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

OP posts:
greencrab · 02/01/2026 06:48

I think bottom line you need to do what works best for your child so they are in school on time, constantly being late will be difficult for them and combined with AUDHD may make them more anxious.

However having been on the partner side while my ADHD husband set multiple alarm/snoozed alarms I can't explain how immensely frustrating it was. He wasn't diagnosed then and our children weren't diagnosed so I was less aware of the impact and understanding but it still is awful to be around. Like I wouldn't mind my sleep being disturbed if he got up but he didn't on first alarm so i used to feel it was for no reason at all.

I wonder if you are also doing everything to help, are you going to bed early enough you can get up consistently so your body is in that routine? Or got into a pattern staying up late to decompress alone then being exhausted in morning? Do you have the systems in place in the morning so it's less hectic, everything ready and in place so there is no searching for items? Teaching your DD to stay in one place to dress etc.

In terms of practical tips I've found an alarm with "sunrise lighting" helpful for gentle but effective walking up particularly in darker months.

HappyNewBeer · 02/01/2026 06:49

I feel really sorry for the child caught up in this. Dad doesn’t live them, then does. Then moves out again. Then moves in again. Poor bloody kid, all that instability and confusion and she’s only 8.

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 06:51

Daisychain67 · 02/01/2026 00:50

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

If you were setting your alarm for 5am to go for a run etc. I’d get his point

6.30 is not early for starters. It’s also the time you need to be up to get yourself ready

ridiculous comment by the bloke.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/01/2026 06:51

He needs to wear ear plugs. Or move out.

WarmGreyHare · 02/01/2026 06:53

Daisychain67 · 02/01/2026 00:50

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

Set your alarm and wave the asshole goodbye.
It's not like you are getting up at 4am, 6 o'clock is perfectly normal time for an adult with shit to do to get up.
If he thinks getting up at 7 and leaving the house at 7.30 is entirely doable, then I suspect that is because he is doing fuck all except getting himself out the door?
No reason you can't BOTH get up at 6.45 and he could use that 15 minutes he clearly thinks is spare to do something useful like make breakfast or help get her ready for school.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/01/2026 06:55

chattyness · 02/01/2026 06:46

You don't have to ask , just do it! Why the heck doesn't he get up and help you anyway? It's his daughter too, he should be helping you with her care and wellbeing. He can't give you half an hour in the morning? He can always go to sleep half an hour earlier at night to make it up.

Or, why doesn't he just get up at 6:30 and get his daughter ready?

SparklyGlitterballs · 02/01/2026 06:57

It's your house. I'd do what suits me and if that's getting up at 6:30 then so be it.

Alternatively you could offer a compromise of you BOTH getting up at 6:45 and he helps with getting HIS daughter ready.

Strawberry53 · 02/01/2026 06:58

Absolutely ridiculous behaviour from him. Very controlling, you need to get up when you need to get up, end of discussion. The fact he moved out over this before says it all. I don’t think this sounds like the best relationship for you to be in, if he makes a big deal out of something so small, what’s next?

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 06:58

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 06:51

If you were setting your alarm for 5am to go for a run etc. I’d get his point

6.30 is not early for starters. It’s also the time you need to be up to get yourself ready

ridiculous comment by the bloke.

Show quote history

Reading again he’s out of the house for 7.30….

he should be up earlier anyway. Does he not shower? Or wash? The scruff.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 02/01/2026 06:58

Daisychain67 · 02/01/2026 00:50

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

😂😂 The fuck would I allow someone else to tell me when to set an alarm.

Pricelessadvice · 02/01/2026 06:59

Tell him to get stuffed. Or he can sleep in a different room if it bothers him so much. Set your alarm for when you need to.

Don’t let a man tell you what you can and can’t do.

WarriorN · 02/01/2026 07:00

People think it’s the end of the world to sleep separately but sometimes when sleep is the priority it’s much healthier to do so. Is this possible? And then you can be together at the weekend

my mums gp actually told her to sleep separately from my dad as neither were getting the sleep they needed

the other option is a different sort of alarm that you can hear / feel but he doesn’t

Silvertulips · 02/01/2026 07:00

DH gets up earlier than me - his alarm sound is different to mine. I, now, generally sleep through this.

He uses the bathroom first, so there’s no fight over it, I wake up to a cup of tea and use the bathroom second.

You need to stand your ground and find a solution.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 02/01/2026 07:02

Your partner is being very unreasonable and a bit of a shit dad to be honest. Your DC should be the priority here. If she needs parents to be organised earlier in order to get her to school on time that’s what should happen. He should be pitching in. It’s his responsibility to facilitate getting her to school too. So many men ‘want kids’ but don’t ever want to be a parent. They just assume their life should carry on uninterrupted.

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 07:02

WarriorN · 02/01/2026 07:00

People think it’s the end of the world to sleep separately but sometimes when sleep is the priority it’s much healthier to do so. Is this possible? And then you can be together at the weekend

my mums gp actually told her to sleep separately from my dad as neither were getting the sleep they needed

the other option is a different sort of alarm that you can hear / feel but he doesn’t

He just needs to grow up

it’s 30 mins earlier. At 6.30am. He’s out of the house at 7.30. He should be up earlier than 7.

user1476613140 · 02/01/2026 07:03

You shouldn't have got back together with him! He's too controlling!

Maestoso · 02/01/2026 07:04

He sets an alarm for 7. You set two alarms, 7 and 7.15. You are ten minutes late. Do you get up at 7 when your first alarm goes off? That would solve the ten minutes.

If you set an alarm at 6.30, will you get up at 6.30? Or have another alarm at 6.45? That would be annoying.

Your partner doesn't get to control the time you get up, but you do need to be considerate, with one alarm you actually get up to. If you need two alarms, the first could be a vibrating alarm on your wrist so only you wake up and then wait for your second alarm.

On the other hand, this particular partner doesn't sound nice, would you be better without? A useless partner that leaves is one less person to look after or take into account.

MangaKanga · 02/01/2026 07:05

Horrible man. Let him move out and please for the sake of your dd don't let him back.

Pippa12 · 02/01/2026 07:05

Do you do that frustrating thing tho- you set your alarm for 6:30 then snooze it. My DH does this. Drives me bloody crackers because I can’t snooze, I’m just awake! I think I must lose hours worth of sleep over the week with his ‘alarms’ and ‘snoozing’ and i find it really unfair!

If you set your alarms for 6:30 and get up at 6:30- not a problem!

HighStreetOtter · 02/01/2026 07:06

Tell him you e worked out a new efficient routine which saves loads of time so you now don’t need to get up till 7:30. Tell him that’s the time you are setting your alarm for and he’s not allowed to set his any earlier than that as it would wake you up. That you don’t care if that means he’s late for work every day. See what he thinks to that plan!

RhaenysRocks · 02/01/2026 07:08

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 06:58

Reading again he’s out of the house for 7.30….

he should be up earlier anyway. Does he not shower? Or wash? The scruff.

Show quote history

To be fair, I absolutely could be up, showered and out in half an hour if I only had me to sort out. OP I keep seeing ads for vibrating wrist alarms specifically designed for ADHD. I agree he's being U and there may be deeper issues anyway but if you are just trying to address this, look into those as others have said.

BookwormDadUK · 02/01/2026 07:10

He's an arse. Set your alarm for when you want. If I even suggested telling my wife when she could get up in the morning, I'd be sleeping in the shed, and rightly so!

LeafyMcLeafFace · 02/01/2026 07:12

I haven’t voted because YABU to ask him about setting your alarm but you’re not U to want to do it.

He has two choices, get over himself or get out. Your house, your family (because he clearly takes no responsibility for it), your life. He is a guest in that if you allow him to be.

MJEBinAthens · 02/01/2026 07:20

I recently retired but always used to get up at 05.00-05.30 as I used to cook in the mornings prior to getting 4 kids off to school etc. I was also in a fast paced and stressful full time work environment myself and needed to be ready and out of the house by 08.00
Now I’m retired I still do the same. My eldest son has HFA (non verbal) and now goes to a day centre everyday. My husband and son both get up at 7.00 and as my husband drops him off at the centre before going to work, they both leave the house at 08.00.
If when getting up, I accidentally wake my husband up, he just rolls over and has a few extra hours. It’s no big deal.
I usually wake up naturally 5-10mins before my alarm(s) go off anyway, so there aren’t alarms and bells going off, waking up the whole household.
I think you and your daughter both need to be ready in advance of the time you need to leave the house. That ten minutes of lateness must stress you both out immensely. If your partner can’t understand that, then he’s the one being unreasonable. Start as you mean to go on. Do as much as you can the night before to reduce the chaos in the morning. Make lunchboxes late at night before you go to bed. My kids used to like mason jars of overnight oats for breakfast, so I’d do them and put them in the fridge before I went to bed. Lay out clothes for you and your daughter so there’s no messing around searching in the morning. PE stuff /swimming bags etc. can also be made ready the night before. Having a structured and relaxing start to the day should help the whole family to be stress-free in the mornings.

Tedster08 · 02/01/2026 07:22

It’s vvvv unreasonable of him to expect this of you. He shouldn’t be dictating when you get up. Also, as her dad, he should be helping you get her ready for school. If you both got up at 6.30am, he could have his shower and then help get her organised. RE getting organised in the morning- could he not also help with that by getting her school stuff ready the night before? You’re supposed to be a team.