Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

[Daisychain67]

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

Err wtf of course you need to get up earlier than 7:15 to get the kids to school! He could also get up at 6:30 and spend half an hour helping doing things like unloading the dishwasher.

he sounds like an unhelpful twat.

but if you want a solution you could wear a smart watch and set a vibrate alarm on it that won’t wake him up

Major red flag

you don’t need his permission to set an alarm full stop but esp for work/school

so he gets ready in 30mins just him

while you rush about like a baf and do dd and self

where is his help ?

Years ago I had a boyfriend who would set his alarm for 5am even though he didn’t actually get up until 6.30am. He had it on snooze - constantly setting it off.

It was so selfish.

Get up on your first alarm. Have everything ready to go.

I have severe executive dysfunction.

I have a list of everything that needs to be done before leaving the house and the latest time it needs to be completed by.

I put out clothes the night before. I have bags ready and I make lunch fresh before school every day.

You need to get yourself organised. If you need to get up early to get ready then you absolutely should do that. But from the sounds of it you just want to press snooze on your alarm.

Set your alarm for when you need to. He should be helping getting your daughter ready, you should both do it by splitting tasks on the same day or do the full job on alternate days.
At the same time, your current system is not working. Adhd or not, your daughter needs to be much more independent at this age. She can learn tools etc to manage her tasks and the adhd.

@Daisychain67 Tell him that if he wants to take dc to school then he can do it and you won't be setting the alarm.

If he insists on you taking dc to school then you need to set the alarm for whatever time you need in order to get ready.

On a side note, it's not acceptable to be 10 min late for school all the time, it's disruptive for the class and I would not be happy if I was the teacher. Have you tried getting organised in the evening before?:

Put out clothes you are to wear for you and dc. Make sure school bag is ready to go. Film up water bottle and Put in fridge. Prepare your table for breakfast (everything that doesn't have to stay in the refrigerator).

I do this every evening for my kids who are now teens (1 asd) and it really saves us time and reduces stress. Dc go up, eat, clothes that I put out on, brushes teeth and off we go. It's all about getting a routine that makes your life easier.

You both get up at 6:45 and you both get your joint daughter ready. He’s a twat.

I also used to get everything ready the night before when mine were growing up as DH worked away. Everything from showers and baths were done the night before and clothes and bags ready to go. Then it was up, dressed, breakfast, teeth, go.

This!! My DH of over 30 years does not tell me when I set my alarm.

I get up at 6, he at 6.30. I get up as quietly as possible, but that’s all.

Tell him straight and if he moves out over this he is one pathetic bloke, not worth keeping.

So he left you to raise a newborn and deal with the challenges of a toddler alone then moved back in and wanted his child to be late for school so that he’s not disturbed in a morning? He doesn’t want a child to impact on his own life in anyway does he. Why on earth did he become a father.

Let him move out!!!
my partner often doesn’t get home from work until 1 or 2am and I get up for work at 5.40. Not once has she suggested I shouldn’t set my alarm because she understands I need to get up??!

half an hour is nothing. Tell him to do one!!

I agree with the others but a more practical response may be for you to use an alarm on a fitbit or similar - mine vibrates so only wakes me (I have a 5.30 start on my days in London so need to sneak out!)

He's not the King, OP. You don't have to ask him if you can set an earlier alarm in your own home. And you shouldn't be prioritising him over your child, which is what is happening here.

From now on, set your alarm for 6:30 and tell him it's not up for discussion. He can go to bed earlier if he feels he needs more sleep. If he threatens to move out, let him - he can't live with you and your daughter if he is going to be controlling to this extent

Tell him to move out and set your alarm for when it suits you

He can 1. Get his child ready or 2. Let you set the alarm to whatever fucking time you want. I’d point out everything I do for your child vs what he does and say this is his choice. Make the wrong answer ie try to go back to a third option of you be a controlling bastard who doesn’t parent and I’ll set an alarm every ten minutes from 5am.

don’t keep a man who isn’t worth keeping.

And she’s allowed to, because she’s an adult. If he can’t cope with that then he can sleep elsewhere (preferably a very long way away given what a useless lump he sounds).

DH likes the snooze button, it wakes him up slowly which is his preference, I do it too sometimes (although mine is unintentional as I usually intend and then fail to do exercise).

He falls asleep again with mine, I don’t with his. Not the end of the world, if it bothered me I’d just go to bed earlier to get my sleep in.

This is the compromise needed in sharing a bed.

Tell him he can leave but your alarm is being set for 6.30. Oh and he can get up then and give you a hand by preparing breakfast at the very least.

If you do want him to stay in your bed then you can get vibrating wrist alarms. They cost about £12. Have a look on Amazon.

This. Not remotely healthy dynamic.

You CAN get vibrating wrist alarms which may help with not waking him, but that’s not really the point here. He sounds like a twat who no doubt has other abusive behaviours

I’d be murderous if I was woken every day an hour before I needed to be up. But it’s your house so he can fuck off.

He should be getting up with his daughter and help her to get ready for school!

I agree with this.

Ok, I'm going to try to answer this giving him as benefit of the doubt, and with consideration to the possibilty that he also has ASD and might struggle with his morning routine being interfered with.

Firstly, you do not need to ask permission, as others have said. He is not the final authority on wake up times. I do think you need to discuss it and find a solution that works for everyone, not just him.

If he really can't handle you waking 30 minutes before him, then he needs to suggest an alternative that works for you and DD. Perhaps you both get up 15 mins early and he picks up one of your morning tasks (makes you both coffee / sorts packed lunches / packs the bags). If he's adamant that the alarms need to be at 7, then he needs to ensure you and DD have enough time in the morning, maybe by doing some of the tasks the nigt before. And, I would suggest that he needs to make sure you're up at that time, and not falling asleep until 7.15.

If he refuses to engage, and won't compromise, or find a better solution, then he's being selfish and controlling, and he can either get over himself while you set your 6.30 alarm, or he can move out.

I understand why the alarms are annoying for him.

But he is the partner to a neurodivergent person and the father of a neurodivergent child.

He needs to step up or step out.

it’s massively controlling. What else does he do that need permission?

I cannot believe people are so precious about being woken up 30 minutes early? They don’t have to get up - it’s not 3am!?

My Dad car shared with a colleague and drove to her house and they had to creep around on the gravel drive and pull the car door shut so not to walk the husband! Crackers!

although maybe it’s more telling about me as I don’t sleep well. Waking up at the alarm or anytime after 6 am would be a dream

Ofgs what is it with these men????

Just think about having to explain to the school why your daughter is late so often. “Because my dp won’t let me set the alarm before 7.” Can you just imagine the red flags waving for them?
I’m also wondering why he’s not doing anything to assist with the morning routine.

He is of course being massively unreasonable. I do have a workaround which I came up with independently to be nice to DH in the same position - my Fitbit wakes me by vibrating - but I appreciate this isn’t really the point