to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

The OP's mum has said exactly why she wants to see DGC at their home.

thats lovely that your mum still has him anyway- I suppose I just thought as a one off that they would have them.

Yes, i think it's really sad.
Children are small for such a short time and i am always shocked when gps don't seem to want to be part of this period. My dps begged to have my dds at their home, they loved every moment of baking, painting, playing, gardening, clay, music, dance, and sleepovers and trips out. They remember those days as the best of their lives, and they enabled us to work and get stuff done at home. People are different of course.

You're missing something out which to me is a bit obvious. Your kids are unruly.
If she has told you "I am very particular about my house" but you have no recollection of her historically being this way, then that is polite grandma code for "they don't behave" or "I cannot manage their behaviour".
You say that when she has the kids at yours the place is left in chaos. Well-who creates the chaos? Your mum?!
Obviously she doesn't want the kids at her house as they are unruly and I get the feeling from lots of your posts that you may be oblivious or argumentative if thus is put to you. You only talk of what suits you, what fits what you need, what ought to serve your needs.
Of course I could be wrong, but reading between the lines I don't see a better explanation tbh.

I'm also of the opinion that it wouldn't hurt your mum to have the children at her house. I look after grandchildren and prefer it at my house as I know where everything is and its easier for me. The children also just like to come here as nanny has different toys here for them or we do crafts, its a change for them. I also like to help my adult children out when needed and taking xmas decs down and hospital appts is a good enough reason. I'd actually be happy to have them just to give adult children a break and chill before rushing back to work!!

But you are getting support. Your mum is happy to look after them, but would rather do it at your home. I think that's actually pretty fair. Your home is presumably set up for young children, whereas hers isn't.

Yes- thats a fair point. we've had a full house all of christmas having family to stay and sick kids and what not. we just thought we could send them to grannies once for a few hours- something we have never done.

Shocked at all the responses here. @LaylaSun77 I am totally with you that it’s not a big ask and of course your DH may want a bit of space. Come on. I can’t imagine that nobody else on this thread would welcome a couple of hours off after a busy few weeks. I suggest letting your mum come to yours and have your DH go out for a bit for a breather. Best wishes

I still don’t really understand why the taking down of the tree had to happen at the same time you go to the hospital with your friend. If they happen at different times, no need for granny.

Then granny can see them at your house as a visitor whenever works with you also there.

thanks for your feedback. My mum would say if they were unruly, and she hasnt done- i think she just enjoys to have everything sitting pretty and would rather them come to mine so i can clean up after them. that is understandable- it really was just a one off. ofcourse they create chaos- they are kids- if their toys are not tidied up then the house will be in chaos- but it is easily fixed. the kids have been at nursery, child minder, cousins, no one has ever said they are unruly but maybe that is it.

yes- it was just that its my DH last day off work and i only asked because mum lives close to hospital. it will now happen another time.

When were you last in your mum's house? I am wondering, because if she leaves chaos at yours, plus she didn't used to be so picky.....could she have got herself into a huge mess?
I'm thinking, does she pick up the other grandchild so no adults cross the threshold?
It's only a thought. Could it be what's going on here? You need to try to go into her place to confirm. I had this with my 40 year old daughter - she wouldn't let me visit. Eventually, I discovered she was living in squalor because she couldn't cope.

thank you- yes he would absolutely love to take himself out for a coffee! but you know when the house is a tip and you just have to sort it out... i'm quite shocked as well to be honest!

I wish I could help you and your husband out, I'd gladly take your boys out for a couple of hours so you could have some "me time" 😄

I did actually wonder what was going on because I've not been there in soooo long and if there was a reason we were never asked! I did call a wee while back on my way home from work. she asked me what was i doing here... but i came in and everything was normal enough. she has got some new furnishings and doesn't want them to be damaged or stained apparently, but it seems extreme to not allow the grandkids in. houses are to be lived in after all? the other GC comes and stays with my sister and her DH as they live quite a bit away. we are a bit offended never to be invited when they are invited a few times per year and we never are. it might be just because its easier and handier for her to come to mine. I totally understand and that's why i host all family events but once in a blue moon to help us out I thought it would be OK.

I think your mum is being a dick.

Remember when she needs errands run or help in her elder years.
"you will be too busy"

awww thank you! It really does take a village and sometimes its just so tough! not to complain or moan at all but sometimes its a lot! i am very grateful for all we do have so i don't want to come across entitled as some are saying. we don't go out much because we don't have babysitters and don't want to put people out... but i wish things were different and the odd time it would be great!

your poor daughter. were you able to help her to get out of the situation? I hope so as that must have been very stressful for her.

My mam will have my child anytime, anywhere at any house if she’s free, she’s an absolute gem. Not sure what advice I can give you other than get your kids to keep asking her when they can go to nannas house 🤣 I think she’s being ridiculous, who cares if you have a bit of tidying up to do afterwards you got to spend time with your grandkids. Show her some posts from here where some mums or MILs don’t get the chance to be with them.

I do understand you. I never had grandparents around to help me with the children. Single parent too and pretty isolated. I’m not saying this to compare with you- I’m saying it just because i remember a therapist I was seeing said to me you will not always have the young ones so reliant on you. And I couldn’t imagine having freedom- and actually now I do have freedom so I get it.
and of course ideally you’d want the children welcomed into your mums home but there’s nothing much you can do about her feelings on that. Families are strange!

Just when I think I've read it all MN manages to surpass itself again.

OP, of course it is not normal for your mum to never have the children at her house, she sounds unhinged.

I suspect most of these nasty replies are from women who don't have a mother helping them (or else they refuse to help their daughters with kids). It's perfectly okay to have your mum help while your DH gets on with other things - well, in normal life it is, but this is peak MN!

I don't think it's been mentioned, but does your husband still have his parents? If so, what are they like with your boys?

I wish you well with your treatment. Yes- this is not an emergency for us at all - thank goodness- it was just a bit of a hand and isnt a big deal. best wishes

they are a lot older but would warmly welcome boys to their home but they live far away- my Dh and his father both have the same illnesses which means neither of them can do a lot of driving and are often unwell so we dont see them as much as we would like but they adore having the boys when opportunity arises.

It’s so crazy isn’t it? Nothing like a thread where someone who once in a blue moon would like a bit of support for the nasties to come out and bash her.

OP I would invite her round a bit less and stop catering for her. I think she’s got used to the idea of you being the one who looks after her whereas your sibling who lives further away has to be made a fuss of. Sod that. Relationships go both ways.

Sorry she’s being so selfish. Thank goodness you have a nice husband who wants to sort out the house (many don’t!).