to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

Yes - I feel that it’s just favouritism which hurts, particularly when I do so much and like any other mum it gets a lot sometimes, but it is what it is and is unlikely to change. It’s encouraging to know that some others see it like I do, and also that others experience similar things.

Huh? ‘Poor’ as in ‘poor thing’, surely.

She’s entitled to not wanting to have them in her house, your DH is at home, and the appt isn’t for you. Just leave them with your DH. 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu. You’ve hardly asked her to adopt them! Just a few hours at grans house is such a treat. My dm absolutely loves the kids coming over and she plans such cute activities for them and spoils them with her cooking which they love. Your mother is the issue here.

YANU

You are asking your mother to do you a favour and you're complaining because you don't like the way she wants to do it? She dropped the ball somewhere raising you if you think your behaviour is acceptable. If you don't like how she's helping, tell your husband to watch his own kids and take the decorations down another time. Wow.

Hello to all those who left supportive / constructive insights and thoughts which were appreciated. i thought i would come and update those who were kind enough to think of and share suggestions.

I went to visit my mum and her house was looking beautiful- someone had suggested she was a hoarder or there was something she was trying to hide in her home- this was not the case. The house looked really well- infact it looked like a show home. I did raise the issue with her as someone else had suggested. She simply said it was "her house" and it has "taken a long time" to get it the way she wants it and she doesn't want "children" visiting. I said I understand that but I was surprised they were never asked (and couldn't even come once) I asked her why my niece gets to come- she said that it was because she lives far away and my mum doesn't have the option to go to her house. I have taken the advice of some posters and taken a bit of a step back.. I feel its shockingly selfish not to even allow them to visit once for a couple of hours, especially when we do so much for my mum and wider family. I recognise that it is easier to mind the children at my house where it is child proofed and all their toys are, but to make an outright ban on them visiting ever and not even allow them once but allowing my niece to stay often is very unfair.

My DH was really ill on the day i went with my friend to hospital and for the whole next week. Believe it or not the christmas tree isnt away yet. It has been dismantled but not put away and we still have all the decorations and wreaths etc in boxes ready to go away.

My friend got very bad news at the hospital and again this has made me evaluate my life choices. I spend too much time pleasing and helping others and this is not reciprocated by some of those around me. Thanks again to those who took the time to leave considered feedback which was useful for me. I decided not to leave mums net as I do enjoy reading some of the posts although I wont create a post here again as it opens myself to negativity and criticism which can be hard to take.

What a terrible shame that your mum views her house in this way. As per the usual Mumsnet replies, yes she can do whatever she wants, but I find it desperately sad that she is so eager/anxious to keep her home in a showhome condition that it means her own grandchildren are banned from visiting. The grandkids will all get to an age pretty quickly where seeing their grandma is pretty far down their list of things they want to do, which ironically will probably be the point at which she would be happy to have them in the house because they’re not going to cause a mess. It’s sad she cannot see the long-term gain of inviting her grandchildren into her home whilst they are little. They are unlikely to give much of a shit about her when they become teenagers as a result (and I know that sounds very harsh but I really do think it’s the truth).

OP I agree this must be really hard for you but my advice is not to distance yourself from her and the support she is willing to offer. It’s like cutting your nose off to spite your face. Remember your mum is willing to help out but at your house. I would take this support as it sounds like you could do with it. A lot of grandparents can’t or won’t even do this, so although it’s far short of the sort of grandparent you’d like your children to have, it would be a shame to not be appreciative of what she is willing to offer.

Hi OP, I was one who wrote that I couldn't believe you were getting such a hard time! I still completely see your viewpoint here and I understand how this clarification from your mum would make you reevaluate. When you feel as though you give your all to a close friend or family member and then realise that it's not a two way thing, then it's right to do that, - you and the kids can still have a lovely relationship with your mum but just match the energy.

I’m really sorry you have such a hard time on here. Sometimes there seems to be a bit of a bandwagon created. I struggle to believe most of us wouldn’t be upset that our parents wouldn’t allow our children in their houses. Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes. Sorry to hear about your friend.

Yes- the children do see her a lot at my house but you’re right - she might wish they would come see her one day when she isn’t able to get out herself. Thank you for your comment ❤️

Thank you 🙏 ❤️

This is exactly it - thank you 👌🏻 ❤️ I like that phrase- match the energy. Good way to approach it- thank you.

Thank you. I feel I have been running on empty for too long and the refusal to let them visit as a one off has probably been the straw that broke the camels back… I feel I need to take a step back for now and refill my own cup. The support given isnt really support - it’s more draining than helpful a lot of the time- but I know what you are saying. I won’t be too drastic. Thank you ❤️

100pc this
I simply don't understand grandparents who don't want their gks to be an integral part of their lives. This includes not making a big issue of supporting caring for the gks at their home.
It's not unpaid cc, it is loving and caring for them.
I totally appreciate why you feel upset OP

I can sympathise to an extent as I used to feel upset by the lack of my own mum’s support when mine were young and it was tough. She’d only help out when it suited her and like you say it wouldn’t actually be a help at all, just extra work for me. So I stopped going to her for help. I didn’t distance from her and I haven’t withdrawn my support to her as she ages because I still love her, she’s my mum, but my now older children aren’t that close to her and don’t particularly want to see her much which I think is sad for her.

I am sorry to hear your friend has had bad news. I hope that she fights the illness and gets better.

I am so sorry to read about both your friend and husband.
You sound like a lovely person, but one that sadly needs to start taking better care of herself.

I think matching your mothers energy is wise.
Her attitude is actually really distasteful but we can't change others, only ourselves.

Focus on yourself and your family and make a conscious effort to stop being a people pleaser who gets used.

My friends sister was very similar and her therapist gave her an excellent tip/exercise on how to be more mindful before their next session.

She asked her to make a favours list on her phone for the next two weeks, and that her reply every time was to respond "let me get back to you on that". She was then to say "unfortunately I can't do that".
It was a real eye opener to her when she saw just how often she was doing things for people and how that equated to just how worn out she was.
Saying "I can't do it" is simply a muscle that the more you use it, the easier it becomes.
The users in her life tried to push back, but moved on when she kept saying "I'm just too busy with family and work to do that".

She's a much happier, calmer, more present person with herself and her own family, and she knows it.

You cannot run on empty. Continue to pull back.

Thank you 🙏 it feels so wrong to me and it hurts. But it is what it is and won’t change at this point.

This is great advice, thank you 🙏 a great idea 💡 I definitely need to say no more! It’s a skill in itself I would say. I am in a bad habit of saying yes. Thank you ❤️

Yes. - exactly- I will always be here for her but at this stage in life I need to make some space in my life for my own family and those I have to care for