to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

I don’t know anyone that admits their children are feral.

as parents we’re in denial about our children a lot of the time.

Yes, my son is neuro divergent and is probably more like 2 years younger. I didn’t necessarily want to get into ins and outs of this on Mumsnet with a bunch of people I don’t know so saying he was 8 seemed like the easiest thing when I was asked what age he was and could he watch my younger son. he is more like an 8 year old than a 10 year old in terms of his attention span and ability to take care of his brother. It doesn’t make him badly behaved or any more difficult - it’s just who he is. I actually sometimes wonder if my mum could be neuro divergent too and thought oerhaps that’s why she never thought to invite me & kids round. I have no idea why it is. I was really just asking if it was unreasonable to ask her to take them for a few hours. The fact that I am divorced as I have mentioned in another post has now been used to suggest “I’m not strapped for childcare”. I think this misses the point. It’s really not about “child care” I pay for full time childcare for the kids- I’m not sure why being divorced and my older son going to his dads (or not at present as the case happens to be) means I can’t drop them to their nans. I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition or to be called names. My kids aren’t any more difficult than other children - they’re really not “feral”. My husband is not “useless” and I’m not “entitled”. I’m sure everyone means well but I don’t think this is the place for me and has taken up way too much time and energy! I now know better but I thought this was a safe space to chat about mum stuff. It isn’t for me 😌 thanks anyway for all the comments. It is nice that so many took the time and lots were useful but there were more unhelpful than helpful unfortunately and I ended up getting pulled in to responding. I’m actually going to leave the chat now before I get a lot of hate. New Year’s resolution - leave mums net 😌 Have a lovely weekend everyone 😌

Feral is a very extreme way to describe children. It implies that OP's children are completely out of control and disobedient with no social skills at all.

OP seems to be very honest about her situation with her mum and has responded very politely to posters that have been really rude and judgemental to her. I would imagine that OP's children are more lively and energetic than OP's niece but not absolutely not feral.

The more you responded, the more you shone through OP, showing yourself in a very positive, patient, grounded, sensible light in the face of people picking away at you and wanting to believe the worst.
I think you have done very well indeed and wish you and your family nothing but the best.

I think the added info makes a bit more sense as to why your mum doesn't want them at her house. I am still a bit confused with ages, but sounds like the oldest boy is ND and that is maybe why she struggles with him. You haven't put what behaviours he might display, only that his behaviour can be younger than his age. Maybe she finds this hard to cope with having a child act out in a way she wouldn't expect. E.g. if he is the size of a 10 year old but acts about 8 maybe she struggles to accept this mismatch. Did something happen once when he visited when younger? As you did put he went a few times but doesn't remember going, so I wonder whether if undiagnosed as a young child something happened there (and maybe you aren't even aware of).
Added to that I think you still have the 5 year old boy, who is probably like many 5 year olds and full of energy. Compared to your niece, who is a single child and you don't mention being ND, your mum probably views her as easier to have in her own home.

You have added in a older daughter(?) how was she treated when little? Did she get to go to your mum's on her own?

I think there are a lot of things going on and it would be difficult to now pinpoint why without actually raising it further with your mum.

Aww thanks. Can we join another forum that is only for constructive discussion & isn’t nasty? 😌 I love hearing others stories and view points but it’s not very nice have a bunch of insults flung at you and your family!

There’s never been any incidents with his behaviour at my mums that I’m aware of. My daughter was invited when she was only child but not since. My door is open to all my family and friends regardless of how many children there are and if anyone is neuro divergent or not, much like my nans doors were when as far as I know all GC were welcome and included: Thank you for all your feedback. I am leaving the chat now (if I can figure out how!!)

In the kindest possible way, people can only help you if you give them the full facts. Your post started off about your mother not wanting to look after your children so you could help a friend, but it is really about your mother not helping you so your husband can have some alone time to get the decorations down.
You still haven’t said ( as far as I can see) if your mother works. Your mother does help you, albeit at your house. If she leaves your house in a mess after she has looked after your kids there, it will be the kids leaving the mess and not her. She probably doesn’t need this mess in her house. You say that your husband is tired because of an illness and a full Christmas. If your husband is ill, why did you have such a full Christmas? Maybe cut down in future years. Your last bit of information about your elder son being ND does shed some more light on what your mother may not want him at your home.

Thank you for your feedback. I’m taken aback that it might be ok to exclude grandchildren from your home because one of them is neuro divergent but thanks for your views. The question was about whether it’s unreasonable to ask my mum to have the kids at her house for a few hours. I said at the outset it was due to DH needing stuff done aswell as me going to hospital with my pal. We definitely could have had an easier Christmas and invited less family over and what not- we try to be kind at Christmas (& in general) that wasn’t really what I was asking. It was more about not being able to leave my kids at my mums on this occasion (or ever) my sons are not badly behaved children and my mum seems to enjoy soending time with them at my house. 69% of people agree with you that it’s an unreasonable ask. That was what I came for, to see what others thought of this particular question so I think I’ll move on now but thank you for your insights and time! It’s been eye opening.

OP, your Mum may just feel that your home is already childproofed and hers is not.
For what it is worth, we always prefer to have the grandchildren at our house because we know where everything is and can just leave the mess until after they have gone. We have done some childproofing and have toys, art and craft materials.

I think people are just trying to explain why your mum doesn't want your children at your house. You asked whether it is unreasonable but without knowing extra details it is hard to say. You later added lots of information that could contribute to why, such as niece being an only child, one of your boys being ND, and while it isn't nice to hear that could be a reason she doesn't want them there, it absolutely could be. Maybe she knows your house has more safe objects/items to distract if he begins to bubble. It could also explain why she didn't want you to drop them off and take them to the park or soft play while you went to the hospital, as both children might need a lot of supervision (which you might expect for the 5 year old but for a 10 year old you might normally leave them to it).
Obviously without knowing what behaviours your son might do it's hard to say, my son's friend has autism and is always well mannered and polite (like you say about your boys) but at my son's birthday one year (which was clearly noisy and triggering) he hid under a table for most of the time. If your mum doesn't really know how to deal with things like that then it can be hard.

I think some replies are a bit harsh.
Although your mum can choose to not have the grandkids over ever and you just have to respect that, at the same time you can feel sad that you don't have the easy going, helpful relationship you would like. In this instance all the stress of your friends health worries are in play as well.

Try not to compare your mum with your idea of an ideal grandma. There are plenty of grandmas who don't have a close relationship with their grandkids for whatever reason, and that's life. In your case it sounds like the family spends a lot of time together anyway and that's great, and Grandma is willing to help out with babysitting which is lovely (even if at your house).
Maybe how your mum spends time with the grandkids will change in the future and maybe it won't.

I think its really bizarre when reading a thread to 'search' what the OP has posted earlier, often years ago. Then use earlier posts as some ammunition. Really weird, stalkerish behaviour tbh.

100% This!

Another one here wishing you well, @LaylaSun77
I am appalled at the way many posters have behaved towards you on this thread and also, that MN moderators appear to condone it as they haven't deleted any of the attacking posts, despite reports. This directly contradicts what they have stated as an aim for them, to make MN more welcoming and less combative.
I am very surprised by the poll results too. If people truly believe that you are entitled, then I'm glad I don't live in their world. And if they don't truly believe it, and are just putting the boot in because they're bored or following the crowd, then that's even more depressing.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Not being welcome at their grandma's house seems horrible to me and I wouldn't want that for my children. I'm astounded that it seems normal to so many posters.

That’s so rubbish I hope your friend is ok x

Thank you so much ❤️

Thank you. 🙏

I don't blame you for leaving OP. Some of the responses to your issue have been very cruel indeed with many unfair and untrue assumptions about your situation. Wish you well for the future.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and give your insights. Believe it or not my niece is actually neurodivergent aswell but still gets invited, so I don’t believe it’s that. I haven’t gone into all the details of my family in the post or answered all questions or I would be here all day typing. There is genuinely not a lot of difference in their behaviours albeit my niece likes girls toys such as dolls which mum has more of and my boys don’t. She does have other toys aswell and could take to park and what not. It’s more that it was a hard no to this particular ask, end of discussion and is never an option for us. She knows the kids well enough to be able to entertain them in her home and I feel sorry for them never being asked and ofcourse for us it’s a shame we don’t get this- But I appreciate that anyone reading a post can only speculate as to the reasons my mum might have. There is obviously a lot of information anyone who doesn’t know my family will not know. I will move on now but thanks for the insights. I do recognise the different perspectives and appreciate it.

Thank you. 🙏 it’s lovely to chat to supportive people but for anyone in a bad place mentally or who might be struggling, all the negativity could definitely tip them over the edge!

Thank you! Appreciate it and whole heartedly agree ❤️

Thank you for this.

Sorry then it does seem unusual for your children not to be invited and unless you have a word with your mum I don't think you will ever get to the bottom of it. I guess you either ask and deal with the potential fall out or leave it as a strange quirk.
Also depending on your relationship with your sister, maybe you could ask her if she knows why. Though again if you feel this could cause a fall out maybe it's better to leave it.