to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

Can he not go to the dump once you get home from the hospital (surely you won’t be there all day!) or while your mum is with the kids at your house? Not really understanding the issue to be honest.

I really do think it’s odd that you asked for childcare when your husband is at home.

Asking your mother for a few hours of help is not in any way weird.

Tbh I’d rather look after my grandkids at their house. That is where their toys and beds are in case they need to sleep. I’d also rather the mess is there rather than at my house. Growing up my children knew the rules about eating at the table and not touching certain things. It’s harder to enforce when the children aren’t yours. My house was probably more child proof too back then. It’s not now.

They do see them but its usually on my mums terms. Just this once it would have been nice to have a bit of a help. Another poster was right that I maybe need to take a step back and stop doing so much if I can't ask this small thing in return. I actually feel sorry for the kids especially my youngest who doesn't know where his granny lives and other cousin gets to stay there. it is hurtful.

Yes but you asked her and she said no. You can’t force her to have the children even though it would be nice for you if she did. She’s offering what she’s willing to do and there’s not much you can do about that.
And first thing I thought was - husband’s at home but mum is asked to have the children.
Its tough but you’ll get more free time as the children grow up.

I think you’re being unreasonable expecting your DM to take the DC so you can have “time for yourselves” - that doesn’t happen much when you’re the parent of small children. You say that your house is larger than your mother’s, and that the DC have all their toys there - that’s two good reasons why she might prefer to come to yours. You say they will be running after your DH if they’re looked after at home - but if they’re doing something with Granny, why will they be wanting to go up to the loft with Dad? I think it’s fine to ask for help - I would never refuse to look after my DGC if I could help it - but you are unreasonable to expect that your mother should look after your DC. She is allowed to do it on her terms. Have you asked your DM why her other DGC is allowed to come to her house, but your DC are not? Is she afraid that you will leave the DC there with her by herself? Does she feel she doesn’t have anything to keep them entertained? There will be a reason, and not necessarily that the other DGC is the favourite - it might just be that she’s an only one where you have two DC.

I think I would be hurt too. I get that she helps occasionally but by refusing to have your children in her own home when she has her other Grandchild there occasionally, would upset me too. Its almost as if she is saying your kids are too much.

Just out of interest, how old is your mum and does she drive? Did she leave you at her parents when you were younger?

I'm just wondering of there is a compromise to be had? My grandparents were publicans and lived on the premises so I wasn't often allowed there but they took me out to the park or to feed the ducks etc and I cherished that time.

I only have to see a tartan flask and it sends me back to sitting in the park with Grandad feeding the ducks, or flying a kit, eating sandwiches from a repurposed biscuit tin and drinking tea from the flask

but you do get support! She was willing to look after them - could have played with them upstairs or in the garden/taken them to the park, so your husband could have got on with whatever jobs you wanted.

You do get support - just not the exact type you want think you're entitled to.

Honestly, yes, it is a bit weird she never wants them round hers. But that is a choice she is wiling to make. Exaggerating and sulking because you don't get your own way when you have someone who is willing to help you out, but just wants to compromise, is ungrateful and unempathetic towards people who literally have no help at all. Instead of moaning about what you don't have, be grateful for what you do.

”I was just a bit taken aback not to have any support.”

But you do. Your mum has offers to come over and watch the kids.

Sometimes it’s not the choice you want. Unfortunately I’m in a scenario where I’ve had no help with DC, whether it be in my home or parents or in-laws homes. DC is now 3. It’s paid childcare or else DC tags along. All days outside of childcare, is DH’s and mine to deal with. We just had a spate of public holidays which also ran into the weekend so it was days of the three of us and boy did we get run down by it all. DC is great and quite the bundle of energy. DH and I had to tag team and we didn’t spend much time together as a couple or get errands done as we would have liked. I would have loved if someone offered to watch DC for the afternoon while DH and I both recovered from a cold. I’ve still got it but now it is back to work.

I agree, it is normal to have help. Hopefully your mum can take the kids to her place for a few hours.

Hope it works out somehow. BTW, that’s lovely how you are supporting your friend

I think people are being quite harsh. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask your Mum to help out in these circumstances. It would be some nice breathing space to support your friend whilst your husband did some jobs. It is hard having a partner with a longterm health condition, and family support makes a big difference.

But it sounds to me that your mum finds your kids a handful and worries about having them at her house. The fact she talks about being particular and leaves your place like a bombsite suggests she struggles.

Not all boys are boisterous. Some are naturally more chilled and careful, mine is the complete opposite and always careful and neat (born that way I think). But it sounds like yours can be a bit of a handful?

Whilst I understand it is hurtful, I actually think it is quite sweet that, despite obviously struggling with them, your mum hasn't said no to seeing them or helping you. She's just trying to do that in a way she can cope with. I think it would be worth trying to focus on that side of things if you can.

I hope the appointment goes okay.

Obviously accidents happen, but I’ve said on here before that I don’t think people should have children unless they are willing to factor in some basic level of practical or emotional support for potential grandchildren. Don’t want grandchildren, use a condom. I can’t imagine showing no support to my own children with their children, it’s part of being a parent.

OP people come on here complaining about parents not stepping up all the time. And none of us can expect that our parents will do any childcare of our kids at all. But I agree that your mum's approach is strange especially as she will have another cousin to stay over but excludes your kids. You don't ask this of her a lot I'm guessing and it's totally normal for grandkids to visit grandparents at home, and sure, fine to have a preference that you visit young children in their home, but your kids have pretty much never been to grans is not usual for an involved grandparent despite other posters' reactions. She would know that you and your husband have put a shift in over Christmas and I would expect a bit of give and take in any relationship and would have felt like you. Your mum comes over as quite cold. I would bother less to be honest, it's a bit off putting.

YANBU. I have to ship mine off to GPs so I can have a proper clean up. Parents need a little break regardless if there is dad there to help. It is just easier (& nicer) without kids being there.
I think your mum is being unfair, especially as it is such a one off.

Presumably you are allowed in your Mum’s house. Why don’t you call over for a coffee and talk it out. Start by saying you respect that she is entitled to her space & time, but that you feel your kids are missing out on bonding time. Ask her if it’s because she thinks your boys will trash the place & if she says yes, you’ll have to accept that and ask if you can revisit the topic when they are older.

Mu mum described my DS as “the worst toddler she has ever met” because he couldn’t enter a house without pulling the place apart! She still bought him a high chair, a cot, a slide, toys etc and now helps him with school. He’d in her house a couple of times a week.

My mum hated having my niece and nephew at her house when they were young.
She said she had years of keeping on top of mess when we lived at home and she finally had a calm clean house exactly as she wanted it.

My Niece and Nephew left a trail of destruction everywhere and wanted to play with everything as it was a novelty, the house wasn’t childproofed, they tormented the cat and she just found it too stressful.

She said it wasn’t so bad when my Dsis was also there and they behaved better but really struggled having them on her own at home.

My mum did do a lot of childcare and had them a couple of times a week in their own home, often my BIL was at home as well but was “tired from work”. He worked from 5am till 3pm so my mum would pick up the kids from school and feed and entertain them when my BIL had a nap and my Dsis was at work.

My Dsis still complained because she wanted her own house to stay clean and tidy and my mum did baking and crafts in an effort to entertain them.
I had to stop helping look after them on my own because they ran riot for me and I couldn’t handle them, I often helped my mum out.

I’d just appreciate the help.
My best friend has never had any help from her parents and they live 3 streets away.
My friend takes them to visit a lot and they go on days out together but they won’t have the kids alone.
Mind you I don’t really blame them, her kids are feral and I struggle spending an afternoon with them!

i definitely cant or wouldnt want to force. i was only asking and just wondered if others thought unreasonable to feel hurt.

Yes regularly, because that's what she prefers - I'd be no less grateful for her doing it at my place though because I only ask if I'm busy so I wouldn't be there anyway.

Thank you @LaylaSun77 for reminding me why I love Mumsnet. This thread is hilarious reading.

You are not being remotely unreasonable. You need to support your friend on an important day to her, and your DH wants to spend the last day of his leave sorting out the house, so you wanted to ask your mum to help you both out by taking the two kids out for a few hours. That is absolutely normal.

Now I don't blame your mum if she doesn't want the kids to come to hers, but the maybe she could take them to a soft play centre or similar for an hour or two? Otherwise, she can come to yours, but I do see that whatever dad is up to is probably more interesting than doing colouring with grandma. Which means in practice your plans may need to be put off to a day when either DH or you can take the kids while the other sorts the house.

But your request was not remotely unreasonable.

she is in her 60s, she took me to my grandparents and she sometimes left for short times shopping but mostly we stayed all day. i didnt mind if she was there or not i just loved running around my nans garden and spending time in her kitchen with her and what not.

i am working in the afternoon, the kids will be wanting to come/ help/ running around the place when he just needs to be getting on with it. Its ok- can be done another time.

Why don’t you discuss that? She’s entitled to be particular about her space. But maybe reminding her of how you loved those days would give her another perspective.

Life is tiring, stressful and chaotic with two small children. The sleepless nights alone are a good enough reason for grandparents to entertain the grandchildren for a couple of hours at least, now and again, to give their parents a break. I'd have taken the boys to a soft play venue for an hour, then to McDonald's for something to eat. If more time was needed, I'd take them to a cheap shop (Home Bargains/B & M), get them something to play with or colouring/sticker books to sit up the table with. It's said that it takes a village to raise a child, if more families were willing to help one another out, I'm pretty sure it would benefit everyone in the long run. Grandparent/grandchild relationships are very special, I treasured the times I had with my nanny & grandad, and I treasure the time I spend with my granddaughters. I don't need a reason for taking them off my son's/DIL's hands, it could be that they just want to watch a film or do a hobby, life doesn't have to revolve around looking after your own children, grandparents, aunts, uncles all add something different to a child's life and it's mutually rewarding. I'm looking forward to taking my granddaughters to the zoo next weekend, it's up to my son and his wife how they spend their free time 🙂

I think your dm is unreasonable, unkind amd ungenerous.
What grandma doesn't want her dgc at her home? How sad for you, sorry Op and sorry for all these others who think the same as your mum.

yes- i completely understand that- it was just a one off that I was asking- it has never happened before and thought it might be nice for them to see their grandparents house and stay for a bit while me and my DH did the things we need to do.

i love this post! thank you. what a lovely granny you are.