to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

I think I’d withdraw a bit. Unless your kids are absolute chaos creators then it’s unkind.

Yes- it would have suited this time, is all, and yes, I am a little hurt never to be invited I suppose.

You need your mum to look after your children so your husband can take down the tree and have a dust around ?.. Yes you are being unreasonable.
Is he really that incapable?

What are you talking about? She said she WILL babysit them, at your house

They really aren't chaos, she seems to enjoy spending time with them at my house.

Ha. No. How children behave in your house is a combination of how they've been raised to behave by their parents and how 'strong willed' and 'high spirited' they are by nature. With the best will and relationship in the world, a GP looks after the child they get. By nature, or nurture they don't have the lead role in.

This is what I'm referring to
If it is entitled to ask my mum to have grandkids a few hours once in a blue moon (ie once every 3 or 4 years) while I am driving a friend to get scan results for cancer then maybe I should reflect.

There's no need for that. You are absolutely right to be upset at her attitude and I would be, too. But in that paragraph you are using the appointment rather than your DH's need for a child-free house to get the decorations down, as the reason for asking her. And that's manipulative and petulant.

Yes- she will come to our house but as I have said it just doesn't work for us- the boys will be running about after daddy and wanting up to attic with him and out to dump, its not really a help on this occasion when he wants to blitz the house. its more that she wont have them to her house, is all.

Yes, it is odd that your mother has never had your children to her house in 3 years but, as you say, your boys are boisterous so maybe she is worried they will leave a trail of destruction. She is however prepared to help you out, even if not in the location you would choose. You aren’t getting the response here you want from your question so maybe you should reflect on that.

It does sound odd that your mum never has your kids over but maybe she finds them hard work?! At least she is still willing to watch them, albeit at your place. Taking down Christmas tree and decorations isn’t all that urgent surely - we have no family help at all, but my husband got the kids to help us (also on his last day before work) and it was all pretty quick. It is what it is, really

I'm really not- I'm setting out the context. my mum leaves near to hospital where i am going and my DH has a lot of stuff to do at home.

No one doubts that’s what you’re doing op.

the point is you keep talking about how awful your mum is not to help when your friend has cancer.

completeky missing the point that your husband is home taking the Christmas tree down. So that is what you want your mum to bsbysit for - so that their father can take the tree down.

you are using your poor friends cancer as the reason, when it’s not.

YABU. It’s odd for a child to never be invited to their grandmother’s house BUT:

If she is doing you a favour by providing childcare then it should be on her terms so your house it is, and it makes sense for it to be there where all their stuff is. And to be clear, you are asking for “childcare” - you are not asking just to visit and spend time with a relative.

But it’s odd to ask for childcare anyway when your husband is available and can take down the Christmas decorations another time. And this is probably what has made her more reluctant to help. My mother would help out anytime I needed it - but in this case it isn’t “needed”.

I totally agree with this.

no- he really isnt. It was just a request. I guess no one else here ever leaves their kids with grandparents!

There must be a reason. Is there any chance you didn’t supervise your oldest properly on the rare occasion you did visit? I’ve just had a family member visit with small children and I won’t be in a hurry to invite them back.

Did you feel guilty leaving your husband with your kids? I don’t understand why he needed help.

Thank you.

he wanted to go to the dump with the car seats down, put stuff in the attic which is hard to do with kids around, and he has an illness so is very fatigued at present particularly in the evenings so it makes it a bit harder to get things done and we have had a busy and stressful enough christmas. he will just keep the kids with him and the house can wait, it's ok!

This was my first thought too... if I’m looking after other people’s children I would generally prefer to do it at their house, especially if the kids are a bit high energy.

I can definitely understand you feeling sad about it, but I can also see her point, which I think is kind of fair enough.. as she is still saying she’ll help out.

I think her reasons for preferring your house are totally valid. Already child proof, access to their own toys and not wanting to spend ages later cleaning up after they've left . It sounds that she was happy to stay with them so think you're being a bit unfair. Obviously with thr other grandkid, distance means she has to put up with having them in her house but it's clearly not her preference . People do tend to get a bit more particular and resistant to change of routine as the get older, as long as she was happy to mind your kids then I wouldn't get hung up on location . Kids value time spent with grandparents not the location.

my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house.

I think this is really sad. A big part of childhood is visiting granny and being spoilt at her home. It all seems bizarre to me. Yes boys are boisterous and young children can be messy but that's all part of the joy for most grandparents.

I agree, you're not being unreasonable and ultimately they won't establish lasting relationships with your children ... that's their loss x

She sounds quite cold, not surprised you’re sad about it

No she doesn't. It's bloody weird for a grandma to not ever have some of her grandkids at her house.

I haven't said my mum is awful at all- she's great in many ways- I have said I feel hurt and asked if its unreasonable. I haven't said my friend is poor. I just set the context out. My DH wanted to get stuff done in the house after a very busy and chaotic christmas and I am taking my friend to hospital. I feel very hurt to not be able to let them go to their grans house and just asked others opinion. If someone asked me a question or made a comment I responded.