to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

Sorry you're getting a pile-on, OP. I'm surprised at these responses.
You can't make someone do something, obviously, but it sounds like you ask very little of your mum and it's really odd that she never has your DC at her house. I don't think it's unreasonable to think she might have been willing to have them for a few hours whilst you and DH get on with things.

I do get it, I would be so sad if my mum never wanted my kids round her house. It’s such an important part of my DD’s life.

OP Ignore what others are saying — most people I know do receive this basic level of support from grandparents, and you aren’t being unreasonable. Grandparents who choose not to offer help shouldn’t be surprised if they aren’t prioritised in the future. These challenging days won’t last forever, and children can’t form strong bonds with someone who made little or no effort to be involved.

he looks after them all the time, he cooked for all my family at christmas, hosted them overnight, we have had both kids sick this week, he has an illness himself and a very stressful job.. a few hours to sort the house before we return to work would have been a help but not to be, so thats ok!

Her mum hasn't refused to help though.

Did you miss that the grandmother said yes she could help?

Thank you- it is good to know I am not alone in my views as this is exactly what I thought

Your lack of planning is the issue here. You both knew when his last day off was, his condition isn't new and your friends appointment certainly didn’t crop up today.

We frequently help with DGC but it’s not to be expected.

Yes- I loved and cherished visits to my grandparents which occurred weekly. I feel that the children are missing out on the joy of visiting their grandparents and of course it is a help to have the house to yourself every now and again.

I don’t see your problem as she did offer to help but just wanted to have them at your house where I’m sure it’s a lot easier for her. They have all their toys and home comforts.
It’s okay for her not to want to have them at hers. She’s not saying she won’t have them at all so I think you are being a bit over dramatic

I also agree that your husband could have them. It doesn’t take long to take tree down at all and things can be kept to one side until you are home and can help etc.

Do you ever visit as a family?

Yanbu so many pp just have to be contrary whatever is asked.
Maybe if grandma had a decent relationship with the kids they would know how to behave at her house.
We don't have grandchiidren yet but i can't imagine not helping them if they asked.

This. Particularly as you were kind enough to have her at Christmas. I would stop doing favours for her and helping her out, personally. She is very cheeky to say her grandsons can't come to her house.

I think its perfectly reasonable for her to look after them at your house not hers.
I think its very unusual she never allows them in her house but allows her other GC to visit. Is it really a hard ban, or just a preference to meet out or babysit at yours? Because the second is understandable and the first is odd.
However, that's her offer, so its take it or leave it I guess.

my friend found a tumour a couple of weeks ago, she told me about the appointment on christmas eve. she has been red flagged. i wasnt thinking about childcare or taking the decoations down on christmas eve as i was very busy with christmas and was devastated for her but glad to be asked to be there with her. DHs condition is manageable on some days and is worse on other days. It doesnt really matter, I just thought it would be a nice opportunity to drop the kids off since gran is close to hospital, and give my DH time alone to get things done in peace.

yes- i have told her i am leaving it- i just wondered what others thought as i thought such an approach was quite unusual but seemingly from these replies it is not.

Crikey, give this girl a break. I'm a nanny (grandmother, not Mary Poppins 😂) to two little girls, 2 & 4. I help out my son and DIL as much as they want/need me to. I've been there, done that, with two small children thirty years ago and I will be forever grateful for my mum & dad taking my two off my hands to allow me and my husband some time together on our own. I take the girls to school, pick them up, babysit either at theirs or mine so their parents can go out for a meal/gym/shopping, it's just what loving families do for one another isn't it? 🤔

I am not sure if it is an outright ban, we are never asked, but the other grandchild is.

Thank you. That is really what I thought, I did not think I was asking much. This is the type of support a lot of my friends would have from grandparents, I have never quite had that - I dont expect to have it- not everyone is the same and is able to offer that- but once in a blue moon I thought it was not unreasonable.

Stop claiming that you need her to do this because you're taking your friend for her cancer results. You want her to do this because you and the children's father want him to be able to use the time to get the decorations down.

Yes, your mum is weird and I'd find it really upsetting that the grandchildren are missing out on having that kind of relationship with her. But stop trying to manipulate us/her by pulling the 'supporting my friend with possible cancer' card.

This is how I feel. I feel very hurt. We host Christmas and birthday parties, BBQs, our home is open to all the family and they know they can come here at any time and they do. I actually feel very upset that I can't even drop them off there even once for a few hours.

My favourite memories are of being with nan at her house so this is such a shame imo, but also at the same time feel like she's fine to set a boundary like she has, are the boys very messy ans reckless with things? Does she think she will have to baby/childproof things for them?

You are getting some really harsh flack here IMO. I do think it’s sad, and a bit odd, that your kids have never been to their grandmother’s house. I can also understand you asking for a couple of hours of babysitting. I don’t think it needed to be at her house, but I can understand why you are bothered you’re never invited.

I am currently mid three week pathway (our red flag equivalent) and as short notice as appointments are as you say you were told on Christmas Eve and none of that changes the fact your mother watching the children is not necessary but a want. It’s fine to want childcare, in a genuine emergency it sounds like your mother would be there to assist, however you can’t then have that all on your terms at her home etc.

I wish your friend all the best for her test results.

What? That is absolutely where I'm going, as I said in my initial post. Going to hopsital which is round the corner from mums house, Dh wanted to use the opportunity to take decs down, clear out house.