to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

I don’t claim to know all about the differences in the sexes, but in my limited experience boys seem to be more boisterous and require more physical excercise than girls. As a grandparent, I can tell you that in this weather, with limited access to the outside, it would be much easier to look after 1 girl than 2 boys.
When we have our children, we tend to childproof our homes and keep valuables out of reach. When our kids get older, we let this go and then usually have to start all over again with grandchildren. It could be that the OP’s Mum hasn’t safeguarded her home against the OP’s boys. Perhaps she doesn’t want sticky fingers on the walls etc. She has offered to look after the boys at their home, which is fair enough.
I say all this looking at what looks like the aftermath of a tornado in my home from my grandchildren visiting.

I know it’s too late now but you really can’t frame this as your mum saying no to helping you out today as she was saying she would look after your children in your home, which would have surely been of some help and allow your husband to get done what he needed to do. I can understand why your mum doesn’t want them in her house if they create chaos, as you said they do when she looks after them in your house. If she’s happy to have your niece over to her house but not your boys then evidence points to the fact that she does not feel that they would be as respectful of her home as your neice is.

Didn't you say it's because they live further away though and they stay with her when they visit? So it's a different situation as I assume when they visit, your sister is there too and it isn't just her inviting the niece over to play.

I still think it would have been better for you to have accepted her invite for her to watch your kids while DH did the decorations. You mention his health issues and wanting to get it done on his own, but maybe it would be better for another adult to be present..you mention tip runs and trips to the attic so lots to deal with, my friends husband a few years ago fell off a ladder while taking down Christmas lights and broke his arm. It might have been wise for your mum to be there in case your husband needed any help/in the event of an accident.

It’s unusual OP that you can’t take / drop-off your boys to your mum’s house.

Maybe she’s developed an issue in the home that she doesn’t want you to know about - hoarding?

She does mind my niece in her home when my sister and her DH go out for the day, when they stay. I appreciate the circumstances are different. I would imagine she would also mind my niece at hers if she lived closer - I can’t see why she would not- but I suppose I am speculating. There’s a difference in treatment between the GC. One invited to stay and two not invited at all. I understand that there is a different relationship there and that’s I suppose what I am hurt about.

fair enough point about the attic and ladder etc. he doesn’t really need a hand with most of the jobs, fair enough maybe for the attic he would but my mum wouldn’t really help with things like that. he just needs some space away from kids but I appreciate the suggestions and sentiment .

Would you consider putting a stop to your grandchildren visiting, so you can keep your house tidy, like the OP's mum?

Another vicious MN thread where because there is so little oversight an OP gets a total kicking for asking for advice.

I am so sorry OP.
Yours is a very reasonable question.

I do not believe at all that grandparents should be asked for full-time childcare, but bloody hell, your children are not even allowed entry to their grandmothers house, talk about the other end of the scale!

I think it is awful behaviour from your mother and I really would be rethinking the relationship.
Absolutely no way I would tolerate such a double standard.

I wouldn't ask her again for help and likewise she would no longer be invited to visit us.

My children are grown up but I had several friends whose brothers children were the only welcome children in Granny's.
They spent huge time there and she simply had no interest nor time in seeing the other grandchildren.

One friend's brother's children got super involved in sport and suddenly they were busy on their weekends and travelling all over the place.
Then and only then, was she told to bring the children over. By this time, a full decade later they had their own lives, and the kids loved their other grandparents and had no interest.

Similarly with other friends, grandparents suddenly wondering why the now teenagers had zero interest in visiting and refused to because their grandparents suddenly had time and space for them.

None of my friends would entertain forcing their children to visit grandparents that had had zero interest in them for a decade.

It's surprisingly common for grandparents to favour one set of grandchildren.

No, our choice will always be grandchildren but OP’s mother can make her own choices. There are also 2 of us and my husband does just as much of the childcare work as me.

The expectation that the grandparents would or should have the children to give the parents time to themselves is entitled. Just get a babysitter.

What’s that got to do with a single thing in this thread?

I would imagine she would also mind my niece at hers if she lived closer

Doe she prefer girls?

Or your niece entertains herself?

There's just the one of her?

Idk, I have one of each.

When my daughter was born my MIL said, "oh, I don't know what to do with girls"??!!

I almost said that it was a good job she wasn't hers then!

Because it's something the OP says in her first post.

I think the original question has ceased to matter

thd op has been accused of being manipulative

her husband of being useless.

some nasty women on here. Probably all have a social media account with “be kind” on it,

Agree. Also very weird family dynamics.

And that’s all you took from it? Wow 😮

A lifted quote from the original post. You know - by the person who started the thread. No skin off your nose.

Why did you ask?

Yes. Telling that you focused on that alone…

I feel the same way. I absolutely loved going to both my Nans houses, they were my happiest memories. It wasn’t “child care” it was a visit to my dear grandparents - fundamental people in my life. I had such fun there looking at their things, trinkets, books, pictures and playing games and helping them with stuff, I really loved it. They rarely visited me but if they did it wasn’t the same, I was absorbed in my own home mostly, I want my kids to have this but I know that it also helped my folks out. I remember coming home and my dad would have the car washed or tidied the garden and my mum would have had the ironing done! I can’t believe that others think it’s entitled to ask for this. I do wonder if it’s a sign of the times and how little we value extended family as you rightly say, when my mum is elderly and I visit her and help her with whatever she needs will that be considered “free caring”? No! It will be considered love. As a society we are so hard on parents these days! It truly is the most exhausting time of your life!

Telling that I responded to the OP. May I redirect you to the title of the thread...?

Yes it is great OP wants to help their friend. Yes the DH is a bit twatty for not having his own kids while he puts the decs away. No the grandparents shouldn't be expected to do childcare. Yes the OP is entitled to expect they would. Yes the OP is entitled to set demands on where childcare takes place if it is actually offered. Yes the grandparent is probably hiding being a hoarder. Yes the grandparent probably has a favourite grandkid and so on etc etc.

It's entitled to expect help, but not to ask for help. There's a difference!

I can understand why you feel upset OP, I would too.
I can't understand why your mum wouldn't have your children (her gc) for afew hours or overnight.
I simply don't understand your mum's way of thinking.
You are family.
Unfortunately, she isn't going to change. Ime, there is a huge variation in terms of GP input / willing to support

I was responding to a single point made by another poster.

Yet you replied to me. I wonder why you keep getting misunderstood in this thread…

.

TLDR