to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

Gran sounds a right miserable cow.

OP I would suggest finding a time where you can have an honest chat with your mum about all of this. Are you generally close? I think it is a fair enough question to ask why here other grandchild is allowed in her house but your children aren’t. And I think you would be justified in saying that you find this hurtful. It may not change anything but I actually think it’s really important that you have this conversation.

She’s offered you the extra pair of hands at your house. Obviously other grandparents do have their grandchildren at their house but your mum has chosen not to, for whatever reason. She’s still agreeing to help you, not like she’s saying a flat no. So you have offered a favour to a pal - lovely - but that requires your mum doing a favour for you and so you have to take her conditions. And she’s doing it when your husband is literally at home. Good for her!

Gosh, YABU. I look after my grandchildren all the time because both parents are working. I have never looked after them because 1 of the parents wanted to do something in the house that they could do with children. Your husband needs to understand what having children means. He can do the dump run at another time when you are there. It is not urgent. I think all people with children would like to be organised. They can be organised when their kids grow up.

“Not to have any support” is a total mischaracterisation. You DO have support, just at your house!

Is the other grandchild always accompanied by a parent when at grandmother's house? Granny could be reluctant to look after two young children on her own in a house that isn't child proofed. I remember taking my toddler to my parent's house and finding a hearing aid battery on the carpet. That would absolutely have been in my son's mouth if he'd seen it first!
A friend's MIL (a fit, healthy woman in her 60s, who doted on her grandaughters) wouldn't look after both together when they were younger because the younger one had a habit of running off and she just didn't feel up to watching both.

Thanks for your feedback. My mum doesn’t look after the children when I work- I pay a childminder and nursery for that. Shes never had the kids at hers, we regularly have family to stay here. I know it’s a little inconvenient sometimes but I do it anyway. I’ve explained my DH can’t do what he needs to with kids in tow so we have made other plans now. I regularly visited my own grandparents while my parents did things, so I did not think this was unusual. Clearly it is from some of the replies.

That is quite unfair, having one grandchild over but not any others. I imagine she's very much mindset of "girl plays nicely in the playroom, boys will charge through and wreck my lovely house"

Agree with a pp though, this is peak mumsnet, where no one owes you anything ever, even if it's close family, and they expect you to host them, and even if they treat other family members differently to you; you're hard work and a cheeky fucker of the highest order if you even think of asking them for a small favour!

In the real world however, that's not usually how families work.

Oh god people are so weird.
Fancy banning your own grandkids from your house.
Yanbu.

She quite clearly favouring the other child. Dont stand for it.

I coukd never imagine being banned from a grandparents.

We went to our grannys house alot as children.

Leisure centre lol.

it doesn’t require my mum helping. I will be accompanying my friend regardless. I just thought if I dropped the kids off my DH could do some things he needs to do, but she has said no so now we have other plans.

My parents always offer to have them even if we’re both around - just to give us a break or let us get on with things. People are all different but I imagine it’s quite hurtful when you rarely ask and your child has never even been to GP house!

Thank you! I’ve been called a manipulative, entitled, selfish brat with a useless DH and unruly DC for asking one favour! It’s a bit much! People don’t hold back here - there’s loads of supportive and constructive insightful comments and I thank everyone for taking the time to post them. I will ignore the extreme posts as I know I’m none of those things - but I do take on board the opinions / view points of those who feel differently than I do. I know not everyone has the same outlook (no need to be nasty though!)

People are desperate to tell you, you are ungrateful and rude on here, my mum died a few years ago but would absolutely have helped me out whenever I asked. I would be so hurt by any family member refusing to let my kids in their house - as though they aren't real people. Your mum is wierd and you should confront her about it.

Yes, I appreciate that view point. It wasn’t what was communicated but I’m sure it might have been a factor. Thank you for sharing.

Sorry to hear you have lost your mum 😥 thank you for your comment.

Some posters are absolute pricks. My parents lived three hours away when mine were small but still came to take them away for little holidays at grannies. Then they bought a house near us and Friday night sleepovers were a regular thing. If I asked her to have the kids for a few hours I wouldn’t need a reason or an excuse, she’d bite my hand off and rush off to Tesco to buy their favourite snacks. My first grandchild is due this year and I will do anything I can to help out, that’s what normal families who love each other do.

My in laws lived ten minutes away but saw less of my kids than my parents. Their choice, but my adult kids all have a great relationship with my parents, they barely know their other grandparents.

I have 3 grandsons, and when they were young, I only had them round at my house the once. Once was enough. The noise, screeching and tear-arsing around was horrendous. 3-yr-old twins and a 5-yr-old. I thought I had everything dangerous or breakable put away, but one managed to find a pen and scribbled on the wall. It was summer so they could play in the back garden. I had forgotten the compost bucket was out there, and one of the twins decided to eat from it.

Thank you. I think so too. I tried to have that conversation but she said she wasn’t discussing it any further and I could take it or leave it (which another poster said - must be like minded) that is just the way she is.

Fair point. She has said she will visit at our house but that wasn’t really going to help us out. What I mean by support is a granny I can leave the kids off to for a few hours once in a blue moon- a place they can go where they are welcome to visit. I have other kinds of support in place - yes.

O ffs. This thread is ridiculous!
I'm sorry for the flack you are getting OP. I think people on MN just love to jump on a poster, even if they would secretly be pissed off to be treated as the OP has been. 🙄

It is absolutely NOT unreasonable to ask your own mother to look after her grandchildren - for any reason. Whether your husband is at home or not. None of that matters.

I find it sad that your kids don't go to her house. So what if they are a bit boisterous - they aren't kids for long.

When my DPs were alive, they pretty much only babysat at their house. And I never had to explain the reason for needing a sitter - does it actually matter??

I get you OP. I envied my friends who had this experience growing up. I didn’t and hoped it would be different with my own children. It hasn’t worked out like that. You need to let go of what you envisioned for your children and make the best of what you have in reality. Your mum has her reasons for not having your children at her house. As disappointing as it may be for you, you need to make peace with that and focus on things that make you happy! Good luck

We will have to agree to disagree on the ops motives and how she comes across on this thread as we appear to have very different opinions of her

I'm reading it very differently to you then. Also 69% YABU at the moment so, that's not really most feedback being in support. I don't have children but thanks for your sympathy IG ✌️

I would side with you if you was asking as you had not a single other option, such as being a single parent and having no other childcare options. But you have a full on partner who’s at home, he’s not working he’s not doing anything else - he’s fully capable of looking after the children. It seems kind of toxic that he wants to put the decorations down the very time period you’re needing the children looked after. Why doesn’t he do it the day before, why not the day after or even later in the evening when you’re home? It feels very controlling both on your partners part as well as your own for being entitled with your parents

Do you visit your mums home without the kids? Are there issues she doesn't want you to see? My nd family member didn't like visitors until an emergency meant I had to and found serious issues with damp, hoarding etc