to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

I’ve explained already (you might not have seen) that we’ve had a full on Christmas of entertaining family including my mum, my DH goes back to work the next day and he has an illness which means he takes meds which make him drowsy at night. It’s not an essential thing - it was just something I thought we could do and would be an opportunity for DC to visit gran and for parents to do what we needed to do. It’s not toxic at all. There is no issue - he is happy to do the jobs another time. It was me who asked my mum as I recall going to grandparents houses weekly and thought as she’s one off it might be an option but clearly it’s not.

I wouldnt stand for it. Stop.inviting her round until she return the favour.

No - my sister and her child are invited but me and my DC are not. I went to visit on way home from work out of curiosity (thought it odd not to have been in many years) and the place was looking fantastic,

I'd be looking into the not going to her hose for sure.

As for looking after the kids, well it would have been nice but it's not essential so I don't think that that is too much of an indication of anything that she said no.

Also if your mum wasn't near/en route to the hospital then would you still a have asked?

No I wouldn’t have asked had she not been near but since I will be near by I thought it might work. Seems a bit odd to be passing her house, me and DH lots to do and she’s sat on her own. I thought she may like to have them for a few hours, that maybe she just hasn’t thought to ask them and does seem to enjoy having my niece. Granny’s house is usually such a fun place for a child to visit.

I’ve explained that they are doing that now since she’s said no but he had some stuff to do that can’t be done with kids (dump runs, attic, taking down Christmas tree etc) so it would have been helpful if they could have gone to her house for once. But it’s ok that they can’t 😌

Thanks, I wouldn’t do that to my mum, but I will maybe take a step back. I over do things running about after others and don’t really have the same level of support or help back so maybe I do need to change my approach so that DH and I don’t burn out.

but since I will be near by I thought it might work.

But she hasn't had your children at her house for 3yrs.
.

All boys are a bit boisterous I suppose

No, they aren't if you don't let them. I don't let mine fight or charge around like hooligans. If yours are quite messy and likely to wind up with the house a mess and things broken, that's why she will want to have them at yours - she doesn't want to tidy up her house after boisterous kids.

This isn't that unusual, lots of gp prefer to have gc at the gcs home because its easier to manage them when they have all their own toys etc.

Does your sister have a quiet, well behaved daughter by any chance? Is her child older than yours and more likely to sit quietly reading or drawing?

One child is always easier than two.

yes - thankfully I’m not often at hospital and have full time childcare in place (not over Christmas though) I don’t generally ask and am never invited so I thought I might ask this once.

For some people it’s normal that grandparents are not involved and for others it’s not. You might just have to remind yourself what your normal is, which might be that your mum only sees the kids at yours. My mum usually comes to us which I prefer as there are more things for them to do here and her house is not very suitable. Their other grandparent has them for a week in the summer but doesn’t see them as regularly.

i don’t think she is any different other than being a girl and playing with dolls (my sister and I had loads of dolls and they are all there for her to play with) but there’s also board games and teddies, a toy kitchen, and lots of other things the could play with plus a good size garden with a ball, pop up tent, and toys in garage.

Do you ever offer to visit her with the kids?

Yes - that’s true. My normal is not to have this kind of support and for the kids not to be invited to my mums. I am ok with that but do feel a little hurt given that my sister is welcome and I do so much for my family in general

I have done and she has said she will come to us.

But you said in your opening post -

"me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves", which makes you sound entitled. You really should just use the nanny if you want some time for yourselves and not expect that your mother looks after your kids for free if she doesn't want to. Though she did offer to help, but that didn't please you.

I'm not sure why you are spending so much time on this forum justifying yourself to people you don't know. Not everyone agrees with you but that's life, perhaps consider why it's so important for you to come across as the one who is right.

I suppose I am just following the responses and answering those who have taken the time to respond.

Yes - you are right - she doesn’t want to tidy up her house after boisterous kids. Not every 3 year old child is the same - some are neuro divergent, some are quiet, some (most I would say) are energetic. I don’t think this can be trained out of them but it would be nice to get them used to going to other people’s houses. I accept my family warts and all into my home but not everyone thinks this should be expected and I respect those views. Thank you for your commentary and view points.

I'm with you OP. My in laws and parents are happy to watch DD3 occasionally but only ever at our house. They all say she will be unsettled if they have her over to theirs without us.

We respect their decision because they don't owe us childcare but unless I'm going out somewhere I now find this arrangement useless as I cannot get anything done with them all there and DC still wants me if she knows I'm in the house. I've stopped agreeing to it altogether and if I need the extra time I now book an additional day in nursery.

But yes It stings when they have other grandchildren round regularly for overnight stays which started from babyhood, and our child is excluded from this. She is incidentally a hell of a lot easier than the older grandkids! I think they're just exhausted from the older ones coming over, they are that bit older themselves, and don't want to start the same cycle all over again with the younger ones.

Exactly this. I don’t feel entitled at all and pay for full time childcare. Ofcourse families call upon each other when they need help with something and I am grateful for any help I get. Asking and not t getting is ok too but does string a bit on this occasion. Agree though- it’s not helpful or productive when gran visits - it’s really lovely to see her ofcourse and I love having her for dinner and kids get to see her but not always really a huge help - and odd when 1 DGC invited but not others.

I can absolutely understand why you feel hurt that your mum will have your niece at her house but not your boys, @LaylaSun77 - on the face of it, it does look like favouritism towards your sister and niece.

As other posters have said, I do wonder if your mum feels two boys would make too much mess at her house - more than one girl makes - but she should have been honest with you - that might have helped you feel less hurt, even if it didn’t help you with the practicalities of the day.

I do understand about having a boisterous grandchild in a house that is usually a quiet place - when my son and DIL brought our grandchild to visit us, we had to do a lot of baby proofing, and were on tenterhooks a lot of the time - but it was worth it to have them all here. Sadly we live 8 hours drive from them, so can’t help out much, otherwise we definitely would.

It's not unreasonable to hope that your DM will help out in her own home. Many grandmothers do so regularly.

Is she ashamed of her home for any reason?

It's a real shame.

It sounds like your mom is happy to help out when you ask her, so I wouldn't say that you have no support.
It's just always in your house, because for some reason she's not happy to have your dc's at hers. Only your mum knows why that is but it doesn't sound like she wants to discuss it really so there's not much you can do.
Can your mum not take them out for a couple of hours, to soft play or something.

Came here to say the same.

I have a ‘boisterous’ nephew and don’t like him in my house because he doesn’t listen and breaks everything. His mum thinks it’s just boys being boys. I can’t abide seeing my house wrecked so always arrange to take him and my own child out (which is also painful - but not as much). Sometimes parents are used to chaos and don’t realise some of us find it too much in our homes.

Edit: I forgot to send best wishes to your friend. But your mum is technically helping your husband have peace and quiet, not ditching you helping your friend.