to ask my mum to take the kids to hers for a few hours

[LaylaSun77]

I asked my mum to take my 2 boys for a few hours as I am accompanying a friend to hospital to receive scan results (hospital is near her home). My mum said that she is "very particular about her house" and would prefer they didn't come but she would have them at my house. My boys are never asked to my mums house, my youngest child (age 3) thought she lived in a leisure centre because that's where we meet her and he hadn't ever been to her house. My oldest child has been to see her once in the past 4 or 5 years She always prefers to come to me. I have more room than she does and all their toys are at home etc so she finds it easier to visit them there and she "likes to get out of the house". I understand that but once in a while I think she could have them at her house in order to help out. I explained to her that my husband was going to take the christmas tree down and do some clearing out from christmas etc while I was out so it would really help- wouldnt really be of help if she was to visit us. Both me and DH work full time so are very busy. When she comes down she leaves the place in chaos and we have another person to tidy up after. She was never "particular" about her house when I was a child. She has another grandchild who is often invited to see her- she said this is because they live further away so she has to come in order to see her but with my kids she would rather come to my house. AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I feel that my children are missing out on going to gran's house and me and DH are missing out on being able to get the kids out of the house and have any time for ourselves. I feel that her other grandchild is the favourite and is treated differently. I invite my mum to my house often and cook her meals etc, most recently on Christmas day.

Why is DH “a bit twatty” for being unable to go to the dump with kids when there is not enough room for them in the car and he has had a really hectic Christmas, is managing a progressive illness and eager to sort the house out for the family before returning to work? I feel this is harsh on DH. TBH he didn’t even ask for the help- it was me! I wonder why we place such little value on domestic work in the home, and criticise men in this way. I don’t mean to criticise you, I welcome your opinion but I feel it is unfair on my DH who is a great guy and is now confused at being told MN posters are calling him “useless” “twatty” and “toxic” because I asked my mum if I could leave kids off at hers for a bit. I think someone else suggested he is “controlling” I can assure you he really isn’t any of those things at all!

The OP could have taken down a fair few decorations during the time it’s taken her to write 99 posts.

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Yes it was 'child care' if your parents weren't there too. And just because you loved it doesn't mean you can project that onto your own family now. I loved my gran too, but my mum is a different woman so she would be a totally different grandparent.

And also yes, it would be considered a caring responsibility if you help her when she's older and incapable.

New Year...same old Mumsnet. The crap you've got on here is ridiculous!
To have grandchildren who have never been in their grandparents house is weird. Especially when they are involved in your lives in other aspects (Christmas, parties etc)
Some members of this site are constantly looking for a argument or to be shitty to people!

I think this is less about taking Christmas decorations down, going up the loft, going to the dump, tidying the house, taking friend to hospital, and more about the fact that OP's mum point blank refused to have her grandsons at her house for a couple of hours. Regardless of whether they're boisterous or not (my sons were less boisterous than my granddaughters) it is pretty mean not to help her daughter out on a very rare occasion of being asked. I can't understand why the OP and her husband are getting so much abuse, I have my granddaughters most days, it isn't always easy, but they bring me a lot of pleasure and I know my son and DIL appreciate having time to themselves. My sons spent a lot of time with my mum and dad growing up, even sleeping there once a week so me and my husband could go out for a meal and the boys loved it, so many happy memories of their childhood. Some people on here can be so mean, I don't know what they get out of it. Be kind, smile more, curb your nastiness and anger, it's bad for your blood pressure to get so agitated. OP is remaining calm and restrained, she sounds like a lovely person and in no way deserves some of the awful comments directed at her.

☝🏻this

Aww.. thanks! You sound like an amazing granny!

I’ll admit that when I asked the OP the age of her elder son it was because I’d done an advanced search. It was because a couple of her answers were so literal that I thought she was a bot.
Her previous posts say that her elder son is 10, not 8 (so could supervise his half-sibling during the tree operation) & that he & his 13 year old sister spend 6/14 nights with their father.
This doesn’t explain why the OP’s mother doesn’t want her grandchildren there, but it does suggest that the OP isn’t as strapped for childcare as she has made out.

If this post had been 'my mum will only allow 1 out of 3 grandchildren in her home you'd of been told to go no contact!
Absolute mentalists on this site!

I know what you are saying op.
Theres definitely been a shift in grandparents involvement, compared to previous generations.
I was very close to my grandparents , at their house probably four times a week growing up .
I already know that I am unlikely to replicate this when I'm the grandparent. For most people, I don't think it's a case of not valuing extended family though. It's for other reasons.
We will probably both still be working full time.
Its the norm for families to have two working parents now, which has shifted the dynamic from spending quality, enjoyable time with grandchildren (on your own terms) to being expected to commit to providing regular childcare on a weekly basis. I appreciate this isn't the case for everyone, but it is a growing trend. I imagine some people will feel taken advantage of. And exhausted.
Retirement age is creeping up. For those who don't retire until 68, they want to enjoy those final years, not have how their time is spent decided for them.
When I went to my grandparents house, they were in charge. They were trusted to care for us, without a long list of do's and donts. These days there's so much of the whole 'your child, your rules' stuff that it must feel like such a hassle.
Obviously, this is generally speaking, not your own individual circumstances. But Ive posted it because I think it's unfair to say that people just don't value extended family now . Theres much more to it than that.

I have not put my whole life story on this one post. Yes I have a daughter who spends time at her dad’s (my ex husband) and my son doesn’t at present- that’s another story. The question was about my mum and my sons. My daughter isn’t here this week so didn’t come in to the equation Thank you for all the comments.

Thank you for that- I can see that and it makes sense in general.we all look to the past with rose tinted glasses I suppose!

If their dad is entitled to space away from the children, then so is their grandmother! (If that reason was mentioned, I could understand her growling a little in her head)

Might have misread in a rush, but the kids are 10, 13 are they? If so it might seem a far heftier burden than having two four year olds, as they’d seem more like people who require entertainment than sprogs who can be plonked in front of Tom and Jerry!
But also, and awkwardly, she may just not relish their company, and since it was no kind of emergency, I can’t see how she was in the wrong.

DH ought to have planned some He time on his own (pub? Long walk? Stately home trip?) when you are home, then none of this silliness arises.

It could be as simple as a numbers thing. 1 child is a lot easier to look after than 2.

But I was also really struck by this comment from you

she has got some new furnishings and doesn't want them to be damaged or stained apparently, but it seems extreme to not allow the grandkids in. houses are to be lived in after all?

You sound dismissive of her desire to keep her new things looking nice, and your definition of what a lived in house should look like clearly does not match hers. The fact she does not wish to discuss this with you makes me wonder if she feels that pointing out her fears about what your kids may do in her house would lead to a row? Are you defensive about your parenting style and childrens behaviour? Is your sibling more strict with what they expect?

Its hard to know if you cant have an honest conversation with her, but in order to do that, you would have to be properly open to what she has to say. I can see why this upset you and why it was inconvenient, but it sounds like the result of issues over a long period.

i wouldn’t expect your whole life story, but suggesting that your husband needed to be free of two wee ones is different from taking down decorations with a 3 & a 10 year old at home. Presumably that’s why you knocked 2 years off your son’s age. Not that I’d expect him to leave both at home to go to the dump, but he could’ve done most of the job.

I do still find it strange that your younger son hasn’t been to your mother’s home, but that’s probably another story.

When I'm at my granddaughters' schools dropping them off and picking them up (one's at primary school, the other one's at pre-school, 4 miles apart) there are always young parents saying how good I am to do what I do, and that their mums/MILs would never do it, very rarely babysit (if ever) and are amazed that I spend so much of my time looking after my grandchildren. I find this so sad and just can't understand the reluctance of grandparents to help out their adult children when life is so different now to when we were young parents. Mums rarely went out to work, husbands were the breadwinners, jobs were easy to come by, mortgages were low, I was a stay at home mum and did all the housework/gardening/childcare. Now, mums have to work to help pay the mortgage, there is very little job security, on the plus side dads are more involved with childcare and housework. But what hasn't changed is that life with small children is very tiring, it's 24/7, can be stressful and relentless, it can test the happiest of marriages and can make you question why you even had them. Cue grandparents!! Hopefully the mortgage is paid, less money worries, more free time, life experience so confident and wise (ha!), more relaxed and patient due to less stress. Aches and pains abound, but keep taking the pills!! Grandchildren are such a joy, they are here because of you, they remind you of when your own children were small but you can enjoy your time with them because it's not 24/7, you get a good night's sleep, and if you don't it isn't because of children, it's because of cramp or needing the loo! You get to sit and eat a meal in peace, watch whatever you want on the telly, without having to endure cbeebies. There's a good balance of peace & quiet, and noisy craziness. My granddaughters made this Christmas our most fun for years, they bring the house alive, then when they leave we can fall asleep in our armchairs, but for their parents there is no rest, there's no off switch with little ones. I wish more people of my generation (60s) were willing to fully embrace grandparenthood, there are so many benefits for everyone concerned. It makes for an all round happy family dynamic, luckily my mum is still fit enough to enjoy the children too, four generations, everyone has something different to offer. Enjoy your children as they go through all the stages of growing up, and when you're grandparents you'll look back on your life and smile that despite everything you went through with your children, you survived!! x

Because all the things you've listed that DH can't possibly do with kids in tow are all things that are doable with kids in tow. More challenging perhaps, but doable.

It's nothing to do with the value of domestic work.

Why did you tell him what MN posters have been saying about him? He didn’t have to be told the opinions of total strangers. In the scheme of things, unless they help you, our opinions are completely useless.

I do still find it strange that your younger son hasn’t been to your mother’s home, but that’s probably another story.

That's the whole point of the story!

Why on earth are people focusing on Xmas decorations?

While I never left my kids with my parents they did have us to stay for 3 weeks every summer. They are V close with my step mum and kids now in my 20s.
PIL had them to stay at home and only liked to have them without me. Also had them whenever they were sick. Also v close with them.
so I’d say you ANBU.

Op, just get off this thread. I have learnt never to post a thread in AIBU. Particularly never asking for parenting advice.

YANBU

If your mum allows another grandchild in their home but not yours then I suspect the issue is your kids.

are your children feral op?

She's already said they aren't. RTFT