Little bit pissed off with ‘friends’ over Christmas

[bigsisteriswatchingyou]

I sent 2 friends a small Christmas gift each by post as live too far away to meet, one opened hers as soon as received and sent Whstsapp thankyou message, the other opened hers on Christmas Day and also sent WhatsApp thankyou message, neither sent me a Christmas card or anything… won’t be bothering next year.

So you sent £6 worth of tat and expected what? They thanked you, you cant expect more than that.

I would secretly hate this kind of thing, I hate people spending money just because and sending silly gifts, it creates expectations for next year and makes things awkward.

That does sound abit over whelming

I think it is lovely of you to send gifts, but I would recommend you don't be the person who creates an expectation that gift giving must be recriprocated unless you are a group who already always buys gifts for each other. Otherwise the whole exercise becomes exhausting and self-defeating, as many people would rather not receive a gift if there is an expectation they now need to go out and find something original/witty/off-the-wall in return.

Unless you arranged to do gifts then it’s not usual for people to send gifts to friends. In fact I’d rather people don’t.

My lovely friend brought me gifts the day before I left to go away for Xmas and I didn’t get her anything… now it’s made me feel bad and like I owe her something or she’ll feel bad. But we didn’t say we were doing gifts and I had plenty of other people to buy for. I do not want to exchange gifts with friends too. Now instead of her gift making me feel appreciated it’s just made me feel guilty and put upon.

YABVU.

I hate that Christmas has become an obsessive gift give and receive even between adults. Exchanging meaningless gifts "because it's Christmas". Honestly what's the point of force-exchanging meaningless £5 gifts between adults?! Here I got you a Terry's chocolate orange because it's Christmas, oh you got me a shower gel set because it's Christmas, wtf? Is that the fucking meaning of Christmas?! If it's something a bit personal, a bit meaningful, then by all means. But if not? What's the point?

That was really nice of you to think of them and post a present as you were all unable to meet up.

However, I personally strongly subscribe to the Martin Lewis video where he talks about this. By giving, you create the obligation for them to feel that they must reciprocate even if they don’t have the time (to go shopping and get the stamps, wrap it up etc) or the money (2 x £6 plus postage) or the desire (life veers between hard and very hard a lot of the time).

They both thanked you, that’s lovely. Next year get your cards sent by early to mid December then forget about it, do something else. They might reciprocate, they might not. That’s okay. Suggest a meet up in the lighter months, have a nice talk, say you’re missing them, whatever. I don’t think adults value presents in the same way children do, and to not give them something is really fine, it doesn’t reflect on the friendship at all.

Does the sending and receiving nothing back mean there is an underlying feeling of losing the friendship? It being ‘not quite what it was’? You can work on that, but try not to see the presents as the problem, I think they are just what your mind is focussing on.

I think you’ve nailed it maybe I’m looking back over the year and feel it’s been one sided and am little sad / upset

Totally agree. It’s all just buying pointless tat that no one really wants just for the sake of being seen to be nice.
It’s all such a waste of money and effort

My friends and I have never done cards or gifts we always meet up the Saturday before Christmas and just have a social evening. That means a lot more to us than a token gift

Somebody as grizzly as me. 🐻 I love it. 😆

Here is the Martin Lewis video, it should be posted on the Christmas board every year tbh.

Excellent message about Christmas especially as Martin Lewis is, I believe, Jewish

Most people are scaling back on cards and gifts. I don’t do any cards and gifts is family only.

So you chose to give her a gift, she loved it and thanked you for it.

Now let it go.

This is cutting off your nose to spite your face. You’re going to miss out on meeting up with your friends (which presumably you usually enjoy) just because they didn’t send you a Christmas card. You’re being ridiculous.

No Op , I’m struggling with life at the moment financially/mentally. I don’t care about cards and gifts I also don’t want to receive something I can not reciprocate.. in fact it stresses me out more . They thanked you maybe that’s all they could give

Postage costs so much it seems daft to send small presents unless you are seeing friends. I wouldn’t bother.

It's no big deal either way, is it? If I manage to arrange a pre-Christmas meet up with friends, I usually give them some token gift, and they do the same. If not, we don't bother. One of them has form for sending small unbirthday gifts, which I used to find uncomfortable, but I now accept as something that makes her feel good, so I thank her and try not to feel pressured into reciprocating on the spot when I haven't budgeted for it. It's really nothing to spoil a friendship over.

As you only usually swap cards when you meet up, I don't think they would have assumed not meeting to swap cards would now mean gifts. It would just mean no cards this year. If you wanted to do gifts maybe you should have discussed the idea 1st if you wanted to be receiving too.

Many now opt out of cards. I stopped friend cards over 10 years ago, I exchange presents with 1 friend as that was what we did even when we did send cards, not in place of it. Now cards are only bought for the closest elderly relatives as many younger just don't care.

Gifts and cards don't symbolise your friendship. The meet ups and time together does. Don't walk away from that over a £6 gift. Just learn that isn't what they want to get in to. Doesn't mean they don't value your friendship, or they wouldn't walk to spend £ on your shared meals

It wasn't overwhelming at all. Just mildly irritating coming home with little gifts that I didn't want or need. Waste of money, waste of plastic and so much less meaningful than the WhatsApp saying "Thanks for all you've done. Love having you as part of our team"

A gift shouldn’t flatter the giver as the saying goes.

It’s a nice thing you did. But me and my two friends of 20 years are random with gifts when we give and don’t give and it’s fine. It’s evened out I think and if it didn’t we would just take the hint and stop giving. Same with Xmas cards - I don’t mind continuing to send even though they don’t anymore as they do other nice things and they just don’t send them (this year I would have had to buy more stamps for theirs so I skipped it but may not in future, especially if I was seeing in person).
do you always send a gift so they would have expected one? If you did I’d probably send a small gift or try to hint not to but you can always just stop but without feeling hard done by.

Oh I would not like to receive a present. Then I have to get you one which redistributes my money I need on something else as it’s not been planned for. It’s an extra thing to add to the mental load already on us in December - to me it’s not needed. They did nothing wrong. I would actually say you kind of did. Especially expecting something back. Your spending their money almost 😅 a card is perfectly fine if that’s what you want to send

I’m really sorry that you lost someone OP but it was also a situation (however sad) in your life that meant you couldn’t do the usual meet up.

Your friends probably would’ve still been happy to do the usual thing if it weren’t for this.

As your recent bereavement shows, life is too short. Maybe you’re a bit emotional due to grief but Christmas should be a time to appreciate your friends and family so try and get over it. It is REALLY not a big deal.

Aside from the whole distaste at the notion of giving to receive, it doesn't seem like like you arranged to swap presents as you weren't meeting over Xmas and clearly you were the only one of the friendship group to consider sending gifts a necessity so, well, your mistake hun.

Seems like you're looking to take offence and, frankly, you sound like hard work.

If you're really prepared to end 2 friendships over this then that's truly ridiculous.

I'd also like to add that your whole 'I think you put yourself out for people' narrative is great if you actually have the time to do it but many of us literally don't. I have friends whose families don't buy gifts and who eat out on Xmas day - this is a whole world away from my literally mental Xmas period of extended hosting and generally slaving for the whole extended family to the point of exhaustion.

If any of my friends suggested I wasn't good enough for them because I didn't stretch myself even thinner for them over the Xmas I'd tell them to feck right off, and mean it.

Thank fuck I have better friends than that.

Things can change though. If it’s been one sided last year maybe it will stay the same (and you can decide that it’s not worth it) or it might change and be fairer (and the friendship continues). It’s not always going to be so transactional. You helped me here so I’ll help you. You provided emotional support for me so I will for you. These things happen for friends but they can be missed too. If someone has stuff (you mentioned a move and bereavement) then you would hope for some support, but sometimes you don’t always get it as your friend is going through stuff and busy and sometimes doesn’t realise you’ve got stuff you’re dealing with (if you don’t tell them or don’t tell them the severity or impact). You don’t always know what friends are dealing with. Other people might be going through a lot of stuff but don’t want to put that on others as a burden or don’t or can’t share emotional stuff (no energy to share or talk if feeling depressed etc). It depends how close the friendship is, what the friendship is like and the individuals involved and how they deal with things in life. So it’s give and take. Sometimes you give more sometimes they do. If it was one directional this year then see if it was a one-off (and more balanced in the future) or they may not have realised that you had more stuff on and needed more support. It could be that the friendship has changed too. Presumably they’ve both stayed in the area and you’ve moved. If it’s always one directional that’s different. You would need to assess the relationship. Some people always take and are selfish and are not worth it. Only you can know this. I wouldn’t be so harsh though.