to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

I would be taking every weekend off until it was balanced again. Ensure you leave the house or send dh to his mother's house with your child. Going forward all AL needs to be split fairly.

Don't understand why you have allowed this to happen. Just split the cover needed when nursery is closed. Tell.him you are covering half the days and he will need to cover the other half. Simples!

It’s quite simple, you both have to take annual leave for family needs / enjoyment. The days of being footloose and fancy free are now long gone now that you’ve joined the parenting club!

Your DH is clearly not onboard with this, either he doesn’t understand this new set-up (immature) or is choosing to ignore it.

Put your foot down. Hard! There’s no annual leave child-free (unless for a stag do or other special event) until the kid is 18! It’s just the way it has to work.

I’m happy to say my two are not far off being 18. I can now see the child-free annual leave (with my DH) on the horizon.

Don’t worry, it wizzes by!

See this as lesson and start having conversations. Get into the good habits now otherwise by the time they are in school you will be trying to find out how the bloody hell you cover 12 weeks of school holidays with 6 weeks of annual leave.

Ask how he thought Christmas went, if he was happy with how much time he worked and had for the family?

Tell him how happy you were with the break.

Set down expectations - if nursery is closed for 4 days you cover 2 days he covers 2 days. If he is ill how is that covered? We aimed to do 50:50 for sickness but reality was more like 66:33 as I did the drop off and it was usually first thing that we determine she was too ill for nursery and she rarely needed more than a day off. If we knew the night before she was too ill, we based it on who needed to be at work most that day - i.e. work things that couldn't easily be moved. We would alternate days.

What family activities would you like to do?
What hobbies would you like to do? I started a Pilates class one evening a week. That day my partner did the nursery pick up, made dinner and then did bedtime. I had to hide before the class otherwise she wouldn't let me go. Having that carved out regular time to myself was important. We arranged one evening a week where my partner could do his hobby. At the weekends we made sure we had family time and personal time.

That first year of going back to work after having a baby takes a bit of figuring out for what roles you want everyone to play. When you are on mat leave and have a small baby it's more on the mum. You want to make sure that things transfer to a fair distribution as you go from baby to toddler to child.

Stop using all your AL for childcare then. If you don’t and there is a gap, he will have to cover it.

Dh and I cover the school holidays about 50/50, even though he earns more than twice what I do. With a bit of holiday club, we both still have plenty of time to use for our leisure. I take at least one solo holiday every year, sometimes several, and never run out of AL. I also take days off for my hobbies, etc.

What is the point of your post?
To shame op for not enjoying soley looking after her toddler, you know those sometimes very unreasonable loud messy people that we love but are hard work?
How about she is the bread winner? Why is she also the default parent, why hasn't her lowly paid husband looked at his calendar and been proactive like a decent partner would be?

You can be a martyr or you can be a manager.

First off, TALK TO HIM.
Don't assume.

You've got a kid, it needs to be a 50/50 input. Don't implore, don't assume; be crystal clear. Tell him xyz needs covering, as does sickness, holidays etc. Tell him your expectations - don't default to mum mode, but act like he is a colleague with equal responsibility.

Should he have stepped up?
Yes.
Is it unfair?
Well, you are doing it all anyway. Decide what you want him to do and then communicate. He's not a mind reader and he probably thinks you are happy with the status quo.

Get it sorted before school starts because that's a whole other ball game.

You need a proper plan - sit down together, work out when nursery is closed then split the days equally between you. Agree when you'll do holidays together as a family, and also agree a week each of alone time. If you don't schedule it and plan it, you will become the default parent and this pattern, once set, is really hard to get out of.

Did you ask him to take leave and split the days with you? If not than you are being unreasonable

You need to speak to him about it.

You need to tell him that he needs to take half, why are you not raising it with him?

Well I suggest you have a word and get this sorted so the split is fairer. You need to work as a team better, or the resentment is going to grow.

Me and DP split our AL days to cover childcare. My parents (now in their 60s) did this too!

Surely that's normal? You need to discuss this with him rather than just booking all your AL to cover nursery days and then seething

You both have a shitty attitude towards your kid but that aside, can't you just divide up the time or take some of it together.

I think we are often most cross when we are partly cross with ourselves for allowing a thing to happen. This seems to be one of those cases. You're understandably angry with DH for his lack of consideration and lack of load-sharing. But deep down you may also be angry with yourself for not addressing this with him in advance.

Just don’t allow it to happen. Have a conversation about the time your child cannot go to nursery and agree who will be looking after him. Obviously what has occurred is totally unreasonable and he’s an arse for not volunteering but I’m not sure why you let it happen this way?

Exactly this
he sounds selfish!
you need to split this

if he won’t split it then tell him you’ll split from him and are going for 50/50 custody then he’ll have to do something

what a dickhead I’m sorry he’s treating you like this it’s totally unacceptable x

The good thing is he will have AL left to cover any illness over the next couple of months 😃

It isn't op who doesn't enjoy /want to care for her own dc...
Your dh is frankly a dick..

As he walks through the door hand him his child and go out for a couple of hours.
But yes agree with everyone else this needs sorting now for the future

You have the conversation and don’t assume the load. Because before you know it, you will laugh at a few days of nursery closure when faced with the reality of school holidays…

Completely agree with this. It’s a wholly unfair situation but… why have you not spoken to him about this?

If you both work equally then the leave is split equally between you. What could he possibly say to argue against this arrangement?

Your biggest mistake here is the assumption you made that he would consider it to be a “him problem”. Next year, grab the calendar and say “ok so I can take x, y, z as annual leave, then I’m working a, b, c day, can you make sure you book annual leave for those days to cover looking after child?”

Tell him he needs to start sharing parenting, next time child is off, so is he.

Do not have any more DC with him until he seriously changes his ways.