to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

What has his reaction been when you’ve raised this with him?

yanbu to feel resentful but if you’ve quietly rolled over and got on with it that’s a different thing entirely

It is really unfair. Does he see your point of view?

Have you told him that he needs to take some leave for childcare? I'd say that you are unlikely to get the time off next Christmas so he should get some leave booked now.
Unfortunately, many people will do whatever they can get away with doing. You shouldn't have to tell him but of he isn't doing it anyway, that's the only solution. Tell him he needs to do more, give specific days/tasks that are his responsibility to manage. Eg- he needs to sort out nursery drop off and pick up every Monday and Wednesday, he needs to do the laundry every weekend.

You need the chat with your DH
the imbalance is striking and it can’t continue

Once the kid is at school you'll both need to use it all for childcare.

What has he said when you’ve discussed this with him and made plans for future nursery closures?

Dh and I have a conversation at some point every year where we agree what school holidays we’re each able to cover, get our leave requests submitted and figure out what we’ll do about the holidays we can’t cover as don’t have enough leave.

Do you have a similar conversation or are you silently seething while giving no outward sign that there’s something he needs to address? It would of course be ideal if he spontaneously thought about holiday cover, but that apparently hasn’t happened so you need to tell him there’s a problem, how he responds will then tell you whether he cares or is a jerk.

How did it come about, though? You say it as if you didn't have a conversation about this, but presumably at some stage you must have co-ordinated so you'd know one of you was covering nursery being shut?

This is going to breed resentment very very quickly .

Why haven't you split the time between you?

Why did you have to book it off? What would have happened if you had said let's take 2 days each? We used a termtime preschool when the children were small so holiday has always been used for childcare not for personal time, although we did take the odd day here and there.

Obviously the situation is wildly unbalanced, but I am honestly struggling to imagine how this has come about.

Why on earth wouldn't this be a discussion along the lines of "Nursery is closed for x days. How about I cover these days, and you cover these days? Does that work?"

Obviously this situation is completely unfair and untenable - but how did this come about? What discussions did you have before deciding to conceive, during the pregnancy and in the nearly two years since your child was born?

You need to put your foot down. You are the main breadwinner - you are not powerless. But be prepared to walk away.

Tell him things are changing and take the next 10 Saturdays or whatever for yourself:

Ideally, you shouldn't have had to ask him how you were going to split the week off - he'd have offered. But when he didn't offer, did you ask?

It is unfair. But (please hear me out) many single mothers have to bring up children on their own. Your child is "lucky" to have two parents, and obviously it is unfair that you are dealing with the child on your own. But if you leave (which may be an option), then you are definitely not getting extra help. Been there, done that - definitely significantly harder on my own. If you think you can manage on your own (being the higher earner) then tell him to bugger off and let him have every other weekend to be full time carer and at least you get 4 days a month to do what you want plus some child maintenance. I did this since my DC was 2 years old - wasn't easy but at least I knew what I had signed up for.

YANBU at all to feel this is unfair. How did it come about? Was there a conversation or did you just see the closed dates and immediately book leave?
When our children's nursery is closed, for whatever reason, or the grandparent 1 day a week childcare is on holiday or otherwise off for some planned reason, DH and I sit down together and decide who will cover what. We very roughly take it in turns, but that will alter depending on work requirements at the time. I've done more when DH was starting a new role and he did more when I had a big unmissable project.
We do the same for the unexpected childcare when they're too ill to go to nursery.
I think you have to have a serious conversation where you start from the assumption that childcare is equal responsibility to cover. You/he are clearly both assuming it's your job to sort.

He is doing what you allow him to do. You tell him he has to take some responsibility for his child.
I would also be discussing the imbalance of finances. He has a good life because of you. He would get on my nerves, he sounds a lazy selfish sod at best, and a entitled user at worse.

Personally I’d leave the money aside as that is a separate issue in many ways. Whoever makes more or less, the default should be that house and childcare responsibilities are split unless there’s a reason to not. Given it’s the new year I’d sit down with a calendar of the year and tell him you will be working out how to split the nursery breaks so you both have an equal amount of responsibility. Don’t ask, just start out as it should have happened last year. Then write it all down.

This is assuming he’s oblivious and not deliberately cruel and self centred. If he is doing this on purpose he’s beyond help and you’d be better off splitting as you’ll just get angrier each time.

I tell my DH which weeks he needs to book off each year to cover the school / nursery holidays. I get slightly more annual leave so do a bit more than him and we each get 6 days left over to use whenever we want. Also, if you’re NHS, check your paid parental leave entitlement because you might be able to take a paid week of PL and keep a week of AL for yourself. But really you just need to spell it out to him and stop going along with the assumption you’ll cover the holidays.

I'd suggest you get used to sitting down together and planning out annual leave each year. Once they start school, it does take some planning to make sure the holidays are all covered. It's easier to get in to the habit now so it comes as less of a shock.

Why did you take AL if your dp was off work?

So he has lots if leave left do he can take time off when your child is ill then?
I somehow suspect though that that is also left to you to sort out.

Work out all the days this year that childcare is needed. Half the number and tell dh he needs to book off those days to cover childcare

Well he won the male lottery, didn't he? A woman who does everything for him and financially supports the household as well.

Sadly, that makes you the biggest loser.

This is crazy, unless there is a reason he has to work these weeks (work/job requirements)? As a PP said you both need to sit down with a calendar and plan it, especially as once they're in school you do have to be very organised around school hols/inset days etc