to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

Well, you have been on a bit of a learning curve and now you know.
Don't assume: discuss. And don't just go with "well i have the big paying job" bollocks.

The child was created by both of you, and therefore it falls on both of you to do the things that need to be done.

Use a joint calendar and make sure that you are both picking up the slack. Sometimes you will need to do a bit more, sometimes your DH can do a bit more. You both presumably know when your work needs to be prioritised?

Also while you talk about this: your child will grow, you may possibly add a second etc. Their needs change. Now is the time to start thinking about how that will affect you both in terms of things that need to be done. Make loose plans now.

The problem is the OP. If a grown man needs to be told to take time off to care for his kids then he is a pathetic excuse of a father.

Its jan 1st... sit down and do what hundreds of thousands of UK parents do and plan your AL for the year together against nursery closure.

Qs part of that tell him you need days off - or take yourself off at the weekend and just tell him its happening.

Start prempting child sickness now and be clear you insist he covers at least 50% as if you lose your job everyone is fucked. And tell him it like that verbatim.

He is being a twat but you are being a wet lettuce.
Read him the riot act.

I also recommend you talk to your employer about buying annual leave (its normally a week) if you can buy it and say sweet FA to your husband.

Also be less honest about taking time off.
I cant take time off in April (or whatever). You have to cover today i have a big meeting.
He isnt going to know the difference

So going forward it needs to be a discussion. You ask him what he's planning on covering this coming year, because you need complete days off and then you figure out your plans for all three of you, to do together. It's very common after ML, that Dads have to be reminded about doing their share.

OP - this reads like one of those first time parents mistakes and the assumption you have both made that childcare is your job. You were on mat leave so DC was your job, then you sorted nursery and you automatically booked off the time nursery wasn’t available because you assumed “my job”.

so a chat needs to be had - “darling I covered the week nursery was shut this year, next Christmas we need to split it between us.”

don’t default to it being your job. He has to be involved in discussing solutions eg “DS isn’t going to be well enough for nursery tomorrow, what shall we do?” Don’t make it always your job to think through the issues and think of the solutions.

Well now you know he isn't the type of husband and father that willingly wants to spend time with his wife and children so you can now have a discussion about fairness and sort out next year's leave between you now so there's no fucking about on his end.

well, she didn't and here she is. So if she wants change, she clearly needs to articulate that.

What’s he going to do with his annual leave?

Yes, agree with PP, what was his reaction when you talked to him about this?

She shouldn’t have to bring it up. Of course he should assume he has a role in parenting. But he clearly doesn’t.
My mum revealed over Christmas that she ‘nearly’ left my dad when my older sister was born because he did sweet FA when it came to childcare or housework. I asked why she didn’t tell him to step up and she said she shouldn’t have to ask. True but then followed 25 years of exhaustion, martyrdom and resentment.

I can see why this is a problem, but I also don’t understand families that don’t act like families.. book the time off together and enjoy your time off as a family? Why have a child if there a burden that one has to “sacrifice” their annual leave to be with

Is it not a pleasure anymore to look after your own child?

Exactly my thoughts when I read the second post. "Solo parenting since Boxing Day", so a few days with one day off?

I’m sure that was an attempt to make the OP feel shit about working, but really you just came across as a bit of a dick.

True but then followed 25 years of exhaustion, martyrdom and resentment.

To be fair women who did raise this stuff in the past were labelled nags.

Take the 4 weeks per year parental leave you are entitled to - it will be unpaid but you can adjust your contribution to the household budget to allow for it

🤣🤣🤣🤣 brilliant . 🤣🤣🤣

He's selfish/thoughtless not to offer to take some time off to cover the holidays, and to leave it all to you. But why, oh why, did you not discuss how much time off work each of you were going to take? Surely that's just basic communication? When you have kids, you sit down regularly and plan these things. Who will do pick up on what day, who will be able to cover any sickness etc.

Going forward, a discussion needs to be had regarding time off work, who covers what, how many days each of you have as childfree days off etc. If you both work full time, and have similar holiday entitlement, then you should be covering it 50/50. Who earns more shouldn't really be a consideration (unless one of you wants to go part time).

that's a pretty shit thing to say to someone.

But, FWIW, when i had 2 under 2, etc, i absolutely HATED it. I enjoyed nearly nothing about having children until they were about 5.

I’ve voted YABU because you let it happen!

Do you know what, sometimes no, it isn’t.

There are lovely moments but for a child this young (not even two) it’s intense as hell, they can do very little themselves so even a standard visit to a park or little soft play means you’re on the go constantly, they have the attention spans of gnats and at this time of year when it’s dark early, cold and rainy parenting very small children can be extremely challenging.

And before anyone is critical of me, I have dropped right down to just two days at work to spend time with my two year old and to ensure I can be there for my five year old before and after school. I put them first which is as it should be, but I’m not going to pretend it’s beautiful and wonderful all of the time because it isn’t.

I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

You don't want to make it feel more equal, you need to actually make it more equal.
If the nursery is closed for 10 days, you take 5 days off each.

If you end up divorcing he's likely to have to deal with a 50/50 split so why not get him used to it now?

This will only get harder once they start school and you have ~70 days to cover. Sit down with the calendar at the start of the year, plan who will take what days and when, plus when you’ll take family holiday together, and when you’ll take days for time as a couple and how you will split it when the child is sent home sick. Agree it, get it written down, repeat annually. Boring as hell, but has to be done. I suggest opening a nice bottle of something to make it less of a chore.

YANBU. You need to explain this to your DH. My DH just announced he's booked all of next week off work. Meanwhile, I ration my holidays to ensure I'm about enough for the school holidays and book holiday club on the days I can't cover. I don't even take DH into account as he couldn't possibly think ahead, when of course we (as mothers) do it, even if we have the more demanding or better paid jobs.

So going forwards you need to discuss who is taking what leave for nursery close days. You can’t just assume he’ll take the off and he can’t assume you will either. You need to get to get the balance sorted as it will be worse when baby goes to school as there’s 13 weeks to cover between you then. What we do is sit down and go through all the holiday days we need to take and do a fair split.