to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

Yeah....and so is the OP.

Are you for real?

This is not really anyones fault then, it's something you guys just didn't think about.

But this is the thing when you have kids - your resources, be they money, or vacation time, or whatever, are pooled, and you need to work out how to use them as a family.

There is a tendency now, where both partners typically work, for couples to view their stuff as separate, Their incomes, their assets sometimes, vacation time, spending money. And as long as both incomes are adaquate it usually is ok when there are no kids.

But once there are kids it all changes, because you are all in together. The whol e "what's mine is yours" really reveals itself for what it is, your lives are now interconnected in a very radical way. You need to decide as a family how to allocate funds, both for necessities and fun money, who takes time off for vacation and sick leave, maybe even things like who leaves their job to care for child who needs full time care for some reason.

It sounds OP like you guys ave not developed the tools to sit down and make these decisions, you are operating as two separate people.

She's taken time off over Christmas - the exact same thing many, many people do because it's Christmas. The time when many actually want to enjoy the seasons activities with their kids. Don't make it something extrordinary!
And you guess very wrong! I have all that and more.

Your situation is unfair, you know it is unfair. You need to sit your DH down and tell him this and that you won’t be doing the same in future.

Funny how your replies are so selective. You get extra points for throwing in the fact of it being Xmas when people want to spend time with their kids. Did you take a course in guilt tripping and handmaidenhood or does it come naturally?

No comment on how the OP is sick of people not wanting to spend time with the kids they created....as her husband is doing. No comment on how she is facilitating every thing in their lives with her earnings, her work in the home and her using her AL when he doesnt do any of that.

Think you must be tired. My replies are selective to the facts. You seem to be conjuring up your own narrative of her situation.

Nice try.

Off you pop dear.

OK dear. I'm off to bed - got a busy day ahead enjoying the last of the school hols with kids.

Just a quiet update that this post was made in tears, after treading on a piece of duplo whilst vaulting across my living room to stop an energetic toddler from launching himself headfirst off of a coffee table…..

DH came home from work to find me overstimulated and in the middle of bath time. There were tears, we put DS to bed and had a long chat during which he apologised for not being more forward thinking about leave the festive period. He works in football and with all the festive fixtures (including on bank holidays), it has been a manic week for him at work but also manic for me at home with Christmas, family expectations etc

We have agreed to plan better next year to share the load across the nursery closures. I have booked a few days off in January that I will be using for quality time with DS, and also sending him to nursery for a day so that I can fill my own cup (ie get my hair done, maybe read a book/have a hot cup of tea?).

That's a great update.

A whole cup of hot tea? Go steady girl!

I am glad that you have sorted it out. Christmas is a terrible time for football, I have seen many pissed off posts about Boxing day fixtures over the years. Enjoy your time off.

That’s great, I’m so pleased you’ve sorted it a bit more. Men are, on the whole, not like women. They simply don’t think about things the same way, but once reminded and given expectations, many of them do step up and do the right thing. Obviously communication is the key. Good luck for next year.

She’s not unhappy to use her annual leave, she’s unhappy to use every single bit of it to solo parent when she thought she had a partner and they might have family time and they might support each other as parents and people with careers and people who need the occasional break. You’re just spouting endless utter anti mum bilge. Mums are human too, and dads have responsibilities too and it is totally completely reasonable to expect the man you had a child with to be part of parenting that child. You go back to saying im just so lucky to live this life while you hold a diarrhoea stricken child over a toilet at 2am before going back ti change the sheets and disinfect everything. If there’s a dad in the picture make sure you don’t wake them, and make the time to make them a coffee before they get up because you’re just so grateful for their contribution of a sperm donation 3 years ago that you expect nothing else from them ever again. The op and normal women don’t think that way but you do you, just stop polluting the ops thread with it.

if that works for you as a couple then so be it, but i don't think you should impose your worldview on others. If they have a way that works for them then you should back off and let them live their lives.

Another one making up their own narrative. Try reading the post.

Do you not, you know, speak to each other?

@mumatlast14The thing is she clearly has a very demanding job and has described overstimulation, so possibly adhd. Your situation might be different. But when you are exhausted you cannot be the best mum and make the best memories, and if you feel like your partner is not pulling their weight resentment is understandable. Everyone’s life situation is different. Your posts have been made to make her and other people feel bad, which suggests something about your own situation to want to do that.

Do you not, you know, bother to at least read @CrazyCatMom posts before commenting? Common courtesy.

Not at all. She's only been working since April so presumably husband has been supporting the family .She's talking about the few days between Boxing Day and now which m many people take off anyway. AL stands for Annual Leave not ALL her leave. Her husband is actually at work - not off on a jolly or down the pub. Her last update also states its one of his busiest times at his work and she's just booked more AL. Just seems like lack of communication not oppression! Last post by OP - all sorted.

@mumatlast14yes sounds like it’s sorted which is wonderful. But in relation to your posts, saying things like many people ‘actually want to’ spend time with their kids is passive aggressive. You know that.

No. Some people do actually want to spend time with their kids. Especially at Christmas. Let's be honest - OP was talking about 4 days - Boxing Day till 1st Jan when she posted.

I did read her posts. She said they didn’t discuss it. Very odd indeed.

Glad you have now spoken about it. I don't know how you both planned annual leave previously but when you have a child you do have to work together.
Also while they are nursery age, has there not been any discussion about booking leave at the same time to spend time the 3 of you? Or is it that you both do your own thing completely with annual leave? This is the bit that surprises me, as although I work in a school so have always been around during school holidays for the children, I have always spoken to DH about when he is booking time off to spend with us doing things together.

My ex was self employed. Always took time out when he wanted to do his own thing, but I was left taking unpaid leave every year to provide the child care. Your H sounds like my ex - a mickey taking selfish pr@ck. we gf massive ties about this snd many things. It never changed and I wish I’d divorced him much much sooner. Hope you can resolve this op. Have yiu family n friends that can help? Once at school yiu might be able to take turns looking after small group of your child’s friends. Prob not possible before then, depending on age of child and solidity of friendships.