to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

This!!!

And make him enter his agreed days into his work calendar.

Also, if you have to take a block on your own, can you afford to make it into a little holiday for you and baby? Even if you are staying at home head off out and make the focus about having fun. The household jobs can wait, babies grow up so fast, use the time to make lovely memories.

We sit together every year and plan who is taking what leave separately to cover school holidays, where we are off together, and both tey to keep a few days leave spare to cover child sickness.
You need a calendar like this.
We each (kids included) have a column.
https://amzn.eu/d/1N9sAPH

And he knows all this.

And allows you to do it.

He doesn't step up and say, hey wait a minute, this isn't fair. I'll take leave instead.

No.

He's fine with doing less, and watching you be exhausted and doing more. He's happy with the situation.

Because it's in his interests, and he's ok with that. He's coming off best in the situation.

So he keeps schtum.

And let's you.

Have you considered getting a child minder?

So Dh needs to book off all the bank holidays this year when the nursery will be closed. You've done your bit. He has to do his.

It's kind of crazy that you just booked off all the time needed to care for your son without having a discussion with your husband first. Next time just say that you'll do half the week and he has to do the other half. You have to have a conversation about it.

Sit him down now and tell him that the situation that happened this xmas will never happen again. In future any time nursery is closed the two of you will at the very least share taking AL (although if it is closed at Easter, I'd let him cover it on the basis you did this christmas).

This kind of thing can destroy a relationship. He needs to understand that it is unfair and cannot happen again.

Do child minders also offer marriage counselling to deal with selfish men then?

Because this isnt about childcare, its about yet ANOTHER selfish man who gives not one fuck about the load the mother of his child/ren is carrying as long as he doesnt have to carry any of it himself.

You should’ve had this conversation before having kids but as you didn’t you need to now.

If you’re both working full time then you need to split covering childcare equally.

DH and I look at the calendar and work out who covers what months in advance.

When the kids start getting sick we check diaries to see who can take off which days etc.

There is no automatic expectation that I would cover or vice versa.

You need a wholesale conversation and plan about how your family works now.

Yup!

Why on earth are you doing it?? He sounds like an arsehole and you’re a mug

Yup same thoughts here. Why is it such a chore for some parents to look after their own child. You should be happy to spend some time with them when they’re normally in nursery all the time. What would you rather do with you AL? Just have a few days to yourself?

Go and stay somewhere else this weekend ( friend/parents/hotel) for child free time. It’s your turn for r&r.

Then don’t book AL next time the nursery is closed and leave for work before he does. Let him know which holiday days he’s covering.

This will continue for as long as you allow it to. If you sort the childcare every time, what incentive does he have to step up?

well it is clearly not a chore for the DH who is getting days off with no childcare to cover, while OP had to do childcare and book days of her AL to do it.

The fact that you don't get that is not surprising, given the number of batshit posts on this site about women who do everything while the children's father lives the life of riley.

This is OPs chance to nip that in the bud.

OP, sit down with the calender and go through everything this year that needs covering. Then you say 'DP xyz days needs covering, I'll cover x and you cover y'.

Should he refuse to compromise, you've learnt everything you need to know about this man and can make a decision from there.

Incidently, I'm a teacher so I have 13 weeks off per year- all of which I parent my children. My partner is able to book holiday unlike me- we use his holiday to cover unexpected childcare requirements, parents evenings I have to attend and to allow each other to have a small amount of free time ie he'll book off and I'll go and do something and so on. It is what it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

YANBU to be cross but lesson learnt. Next holiday say to DH that its his turn to cover childcare as you did Xmas. After that make sure you split it equally and include a day or 2 to spend as a family. I would even go so far as to say he organised one family day and you do another.

You need to tell him that isn’t happening in the future and childcare is his responsibility too

would also recommend you divide weekends so that one of you gets a lie in.

You suggest it and immediately suggest you get saturdays. (because so often it is agreed, with the DH getting a lie in saturday then waking up his wife at 7am on Sunday because "the DCs really want you")

Let him know in the interests of fairness that he'll need to take the annual leave next time and that going forward you need to make a more appropriate plan,

I’ve put you are being unreasonable as I can’t fathom why you would not sit down discuss and make a plan for you both to cover childcare?

the thread is TLDR so I may be duplicating what’s already been said but there is still not equality between men & women. We are expected to be the primary parent usually earning less than our male counterparts, although in your case you have broken free of this but so many women have this struggle.

time to man up, excuse the pun and call him out. Is actions are deliberate but I doubt he would admit that!

It was a mistake. You know now who you are dealing with.

Don’t let it happen again.

OP, you say DC is 21 months and you didn’t have to think about it last year, so I’m guessing that means you took a full year of maternity leave. You say when you realised the nursery was shutting for two weeks you just booked it off. You seem to have become the default parent - both in his eyes and your own?

how bothered are you that you are the default parent and how bothered are you that DH didn’t take time off to be with you and DC over the two weeks? Is he using it for time to himself or is he just not doubling up on holiday use so you have some in reserve? Have you had a conversation with him about his lack of taking time off or are you scared of what he might say?

After I had my baby my partner was scheduled to have parental leave paid by his employer. I was to return to work and he was to care for our baby.

He couldn’t do it. He cancelled the paid leave and went back to work. He had severe mental health issues and claimed he was depressed. What it really was was a personality disorder and an inability to control his rage.

I gave up my career because my baby was not safe with him.

As mothers, we give up so much for our children - our bodies, our health, our emotional energy, our sleep…. Meanwhile, these men continue life as normal. I don’t think they give up anything.

If you earn the majority of the money and you do everything already - then what is the point in having him around?

What the hell is he contributing??