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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

407 replies

CrazyCatMom · 01/01/2026 18:02

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyCatMom · 01/01/2026 18:23

I didn’t think about how/whether we were going to split things and it wasn’t a discussion as didn’t have to think about it last Christmas. DS is our first child and I only went back to work in April.

I booked AL to cover his usual nursery days, my parents have him one day a week which I worked.

I assumed DH would book one or two days off to spend with us (he did this in previous years before our son was born) but it seems like he is actually working more than usual. I have basically been solo parenting since Boxing Day, with one day “off” when I was at work/DS with grandparents.

DS is back at nursery tomorrow which is conveniently DH’s day off this week 🙄

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 01/01/2026 18:24

What did he say when you sat down together to decide who was taking what AL to cover the nursery days?

If you didn’t have that chat, and you just booked your leave, YABU and you need to speak to him about it to arrange plans going forward.

If you did have the chat and he refused to take any to save it for his own time then YANBU.

Stompingupthemountain · 01/01/2026 18:24

Time now to talk about it and say there needs to be an equal split, then.

Christmaseree · 01/01/2026 18:26

CrazyCatMom · 01/01/2026 18:23

I didn’t think about how/whether we were going to split things and it wasn’t a discussion as didn’t have to think about it last Christmas. DS is our first child and I only went back to work in April.

I booked AL to cover his usual nursery days, my parents have him one day a week which I worked.

I assumed DH would book one or two days off to spend with us (he did this in previous years before our son was born) but it seems like he is actually working more than usual. I have basically been solo parenting since Boxing Day, with one day “off” when I was at work/DS with grandparents.

DS is back at nursery tomorrow which is conveniently DH’s day off this week 🙄

Edited

When he is off he needs a big list of house stuff to do, paint a room, all nursery pick ups, a deep clean, all dinners cooked etc etc.

converseandjeans · 01/01/2026 18:26

I think this is probably (unfortunately) quite common. Does he plan to use his annual leave for days to himself? I think men are so much better at finding slots for themselves - cycling, footie, fishing, agreeing to work are a few things I can think of.

Can you afford to drop a day a week? Perhaps he can look to increase his income to enable this?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2026 18:27

Obviously it’s outrageously unfair.

if you don’t already, you will hate him soon. With good reason.

but as others have said, how does this even happen?

it’s difficult to advise, because ‘normal’ situations like this would be
‘we need to do one day each’
’ok, can I take Tuesday please’
‘sure, I’ll do Thursday’

ti advise you, how did you get in to this situation?

is the dc his too?

RedToothBrush · 01/01/2026 18:27

The problem is YOU took the two weeks off.

The conversation is "I'm taking off one week, so which one are you taking off?"

If you were unhappy about this, why did you do it?

It's easy to say 'im only allowed one week off at Christmas this year'. How is he going to know differently.

ifonlyitwasreal · 01/01/2026 18:29

Just tell the lazy spoilt man child to step the fuvk up and DO NOT get pregnant again

Parker231 · 01/01/2026 18:29

I’d suggest you sit down this week and work out together how you are going to use for leave this year. Particularly important once school starts and one of you will need to take days off to cover sickness as well as school holidays.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2026 18:29

Re second post. Ok. So he doesn’t want to spend time with either of you. What are your options?

kohlrabislaw · 01/01/2026 18:31

You say it wasn’t a discussion because you didn’t have to think about it last Christmas. But as soon as you started thinking about this Christmas, why didn’t you have a discussion? Where is the communication?

RabbitsEatPancakes · 01/01/2026 18:31

Is it just 1 toddler?

Hardly a big deal, you're complaining about looking after your own child for 4 days, broken up with a weekend and a grandparents day?! Did you actually want children.

Seems like your own fault for booking the days off instead of sitting down and saying Dc has 4 days to cover, shall we do 2 together and 1 each separately? Easy.

museumum · 01/01/2026 18:31

Yes. It is grossly unfair. Sit down this week and work out when you will both take leave all through 2026. And make sure you get an extra dose of time to yourself this weekend.

Reddog1 · 01/01/2026 18:32

You should’ve discussed this when the time came to book Christmas leave, ideally. Lesson learnt about martyrdom and resentment.

You can turn this around, it’s only LTB time if he refuses to play ball in future.

Iheartmysmart · 01/01/2026 18:33

I had one of these husbands. Unless we were going on holiday as a family, he expected me to cover the school holidays. He said it was a waste of his annual leave to use it for childcare! He also expected me to do all the school runs and ferrying around as his job was too important. He was a middle manager ffs.

The resentment gradually chipped away at our relationship and I left him when DS was 17. To this day he still doesn’t understand why I divorced him.

Ikeaplantaddict · 01/01/2026 18:33

You can only be annoyed about this if you discussed it and he refused to take time off to help. If you just did it yourself without a conversation then it’s not really his fault, although it is rubbish that both of you consider you to be the default parent

you need to have the conversation now about how he will need to use his annual leave this year covering any child illnesses etc to make it fair.

Moonnstarz · 01/01/2026 18:33

YANBU to feel frustrated at this but YABU not to have discussed it beforehand. Surely once you knew the nursery was closing over Christmas you should have discussed with your husband splitting the days off.

SarahAndQuack · 01/01/2026 18:34

I can understand you assuming he was going to book time off if that's what happened in the past.

Could you look ahead and work out which days are going to need covering in the near future, and get him to do those? Does the nursery close at all on bank holidays or anything like that?

If not then I think you need to say you found this Christmas quite lonely and next year it needs to be shared.

stackhead · 01/01/2026 18:35

I mean surely this is something you talk about. DH and I sit down at the beginning of the year and work out what needs covering and who will do it (we did it 2 days ago).

CamillaMcCauley · 01/01/2026 18:35

It’s obviously unfair but if you never had a discussion about it, you are unreasonable to be so resentful. Obviously you need to sit him down and explain that he can’t keep his annual leave for personal holidays while you use yours for childcare, it has to be shared fairly.

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 01/01/2026 18:36

I hope dh is doing both nursery runs tomorrow

While you sit and produce a fairer schedule..
Remind him if you split he will be organising 50/50 care then so why not do it now? .

Londonmummy66 · 01/01/2026 18:36

CrazyCatMom · 01/01/2026 18:23

I didn’t think about how/whether we were going to split things and it wasn’t a discussion as didn’t have to think about it last Christmas. DS is our first child and I only went back to work in April.

I booked AL to cover his usual nursery days, my parents have him one day a week which I worked.

I assumed DH would book one or two days off to spend with us (he did this in previous years before our son was born) but it seems like he is actually working more than usual. I have basically been solo parenting since Boxing Day, with one day “off” when I was at work/DS with grandparents.

DS is back at nursery tomorrow which is conveniently DH’s day off this week 🙄

Edited

Leave him an enormous list of household jobs that he needs to do on the grounds that you have been "too busy with childcare" to do them yourself. No reason why he can't get ahead on the chores on his day off.

IggysPop · 01/01/2026 18:37

I think it is interesting that so many people think the OP should have communicated with her DH more clearly. I am pretty sure he is aware of the situation and is pretty happy with the set-up.

OP - get a calendar set-up and marked with days where childcare is required. Then divvy it up between the two of you. Make sure you also have equal child free AL. Do the same with household tasks.

robinsinthesnow · 01/01/2026 18:39

I sympathise @CrazyCatMom and I really don’t like all the passive aggressive ‘so when you discussed it with him, what did he say?’ type posts.

I am a teacher so most definitely have this issue. Every holiday I end up wrung out and exhausted and DH is just fine because he can actually take leave and get a proper break from hen he wants, safe in the knowledge school holidays are covered. It’s one of many things I didn’t think of before having children, or if I did assumed that I’d be delighted to spend more time with my children, or something stupid like that.

Newname71 · 01/01/2026 18:39

You need to be proactive. Mine are older now so it’s not an issue but back when they were small I’d work out a rota in December and give it to DH to request the time off for the following year. No ifs, no buts, they’re your kids too, this is when you need to be off.