to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

How long does nursery shut over xmas? If its 6 days a/l you discuss what 3 days each you can book. The mistake you made was taking charge and booking it all off

Christ no, not a two year old. They're damn hard work and utterly unreasonable.

Excellent point.
What a shame OP’s DH is not here to see it.

Yes, it's shit, if he is not available, next year he needs to look out for a capable student, you can split the bill, they're usually free for Easter and other school breaks, my nieces both made extra money child minding throughout college.

Blimey.

We always worked out an annual plan for covering nursery closures and school hols, reserving time for a family holiday and dividing out days to cover childcare.

Sort out a calendar and make it fair.

As of now, he owes you some weekend days!

It is unfair but you need to have a word with him about the dynamic and tell him to pull his finger out.

Presumably what you really wanted was family time, with him there too?
I think that is a good starting point.

If it is literally a shift system then you ask him to do his share of childcare days.

But if it is more about being in partnership together with your child on holidays I think that is a different discussion. Sharing time together and giving each other breaks in responsibility over the 24 hours (IE a nap, reading, a walk to park with someone helping with toddler adult company)

This is important to your child too.

I don’t mean this in a way to aggravate but that is simply impossible. 2 working parents get about 25 days annual leave each a year, a two week family holiday taken together, and a week off together at Christmas leaves 10 days left each. A primary school child has about 70 days holidays a year by the time you’ve accounted for summer holidays, half terms, inset days etc, so unless the kids are in clubs or you have a lot of family help what you are suggesting is entirely impossible for the majority

@CrazyCatMom

I assumed DH would book one or two days off to spend with us (he did this in previous years before our son was born) but it seems like he is actually working more than usual. I have basically been solo parenting since Boxing Day, with one day “off” when I was at work/DS with grandparents.
DS is back at nursery tomorrow which is conveniently DH’s day off this week 🙄

So before you had a child he was able to book time off the same time as you & now he has decided to book his time off when you’re both in work/nursery. So it must be deliberate. It’s really selfish.

Can your parents (or his parents) do an extra day when nursery is closed?

I don’t know if I would want another child with someone who didn’t want to spend free time with us.

You’ve become the default parent like loads of mums, you need to push back against this role, the sooner the better. Annoyingly this in itself can take a bit of work from you to shift the status quo but think of it as short term pain long term gain.

Does he get the emails from nursery about closure dates too? If not he needs to get himself added or if he’s just not reading it you need to screenshot him and ask him which dates he can cover/ tell him which dates you can cover. Get this sorted for next year now. Unfortunately a lot of men will happily let you crack on if you let them get away with it. He’s taking the piss and you need to nip this in the bud asap.

Did he want to have a child?

Sorry, I put yabu because you are. You are setting a precedent for the rest of your child rearing years. Do not fall into this trap. He is also the parent "give an inch..........you know whats next.
X

Agree with @FollowSpot- you should book a day to yourself at a weekend. He can’t really wriggle out of that.

What? Why are you putting up with this?! Just tell him that's not ok, and explain why.

My Dsister used to be like this. Her DH would disappear each weekend to do a hobby, while she was left at home to look after their young kids. He would take also time off work regularly to pursue this hobby, while she was taking all her annual leave to cover child care.

She was once so angry about it that when her DH came home late from his hobby, she told me that she had to go for a walk to calm down about it. I was incredulous, and lost my temper with her - and told her not to calm down, but to tackle the issue head on by talking to her DH about it. She did, and things got much better, they came to an agreement about how much time each of them needed to have off, how much childcare they each needed to cover etc.

It was a ridiculous situation, but her DH seemed oblivious to it until my Dsister pointed it out to him. I can't understand why women put up with this nonsense, instead of having a conversation about it.

You need to be more assertive. Tell him he needs to cover x days using annual leave. He’s taking the Mickey …. And your income/pension.

Not enough detail in the OP. If he works in Sport, how much flexibility does he have re days off? And given this is the first year of this happening, perhaps DH is planning days off at another time so the child isn’t continually in nursery/cover future sick days. It is ultimately a luxury to have annual leave together. But the real strange thing is this doesn’t seem to have been discussed.

You say "DH, nursery is closed 29th 30th 31st 1st and 2nd. Works able to give me AL 29th and 30th, youll have to arrange leave 31st - 2nd."

You seem to be in the habit of assuming nursery closure is a you problem when its an us one. So talk to him about the days that are his share

You need a conversation with your husband. Nursery is going to close at Christmas, and going forward what's going to happen when your child starts school? There will be school holidays to cover and the mandatory 5 Inset days per school year that all schools have to shut for. You both, going forward are going to have to cover these. There won't be 'spare' annual leave for your husband to have!!! You have to start as you mean to go on, and that means splitting the holiday cover down the middle. You earning more than your husband etc is a completely different matter. Of course you shouldn't have to tell your husband he needs to cover holidays, but the fact is, you are going to have to spell it out to him.

Sit down and ask him why he hasn't taken any lead or brought up that DC needed childcare, ask him what he thought was going to happen.... the childcare fairy was going to wave her magic wand for him? Point out thw mental load he is also forcing on you and then the actual physical job also. What exactly is he there for? He has a responsibility now and he needs to step the fuck up.

I think it's pretty clear you have talk to your DH and plan all AL for the next 12 months, ensuring an equal split of childcare, child free and family time. It's not rocket science.

So you haven’t talked to him about this? You didn’t say ‘I’m taking these days off what are you taking off’? Never assume, discuss beforehand!

YANBU for being pissed off but YABU for not raising this with him - there is no point quietly seething

There needs to be balance regarding childcare, clearly. When my children were young, I was working full-time and knackered, and maybe had a bit of a moan about this to a colleague. She told me about a friend of hers who had four young children: she'd said to the friend, "You have to make yourself enjoy it." Isn't that right? Shouldn't you enjoy looking after your own child? If not, why did you have them?

"What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner." You work, your husband works, I'm guessing similar hours, so who earns the most is irrelevant, unless you resent him for earning less than you.

Tell him straight: he doesn’t earn enough or contribute enough to have “me time” at the expense of the main bread winner.

That is very unfair and you need to discuss it now. You're going to need to have this sorted out for all school holidays.