to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

He’s an absolute prick. You need to talk to him and tell him this is wholly unacceptable and he needs to do his bit. You earn most of the money, do all of the childcare. What is he actually for?

YANBU. Sit down and work out the days that need covered and the leave to both have. Add in contingency and then work out clubs/other babysitters like family/friends and then split between you. That’s it. Don’t overthink this, and don’t be a martyr.

You are playing a part in your own suffering here, I really feel for you because I have been in a situation like this for many years, now divorced. They will continue to take unless you are firm, obviously there are some amazing men who would not, but we all know that there are still a lot of partners who see the mother as the default parent and the one who should take on the majority of the responsibility. I was also the higher earner, the one up every night with the babies, and the one who sacrificed for many years until I said enough. You can fix this, but you need to set clear boundaries and communicate how you feel early on. Good luck Honey 🩷

Did he really have to work over Christmas?and go on to knowingly save leave for later?
You're the breadwinner, onus is on you. His assumption is that whatever happens, you'll catch then cope with it is deplorable it seems he has a job he enjoys and jollies along with not much pay because that's where you'd fill in causing all this upset to yourself now.
You have to have it out with him also, I'd ask about promotion prospects/better pay where he works/other openings in a similar field which could lead to more days off for him to spend wisely with his child
He may just see children as a womans work no matter what else is on her plate
Or and I hate to say this,
Feel a touch of resentment there; you did better than him and bought it on yourself. Twisted I know

I don’t understand all these posts saying ‘you’ve brought it on yourself’ ‘you should have discussed it beforehand’. You are in a partnership bringing up a child, not his boss having to sit him down for a discussion. You’re right to be p*ssed off, firstly he should have stepped up and volunteered to take on 50%, or if he couldn’t then arranged his day off to be one when he could shoulder the responsibility. Secondly, he should be noticing how frazzled you are and doing something about that.
You deserve better than this and it’s time to bring up how it’s been for you and sort this because, as has been pointed out, resentment will build and impact on your relationship.
Also, some toddlers are harder work than others, so I get that this can seem harder than working. I know when my DS was smaller I’d rather be at work sometimes!

It’s your DH’s day off tomorrow so you can get up and go to work. Just go. I’d go early. Let DH work it out. It’s his turn now.

You shouldn’t have gone ahead and booked the leave or made assumptions.

Plan your leave for next year and take turns to cover emergencies on top.

Stop being the default parent or it will become ingrained.

@CrazyCatMom looks like he is being cheeky but he might not really have thought much about it. Time to set things out plainly. Think you need to have the conversation that if you are both working, you are both responsible for childcare (and pooling AL as needed to cover it). Also, you should discuss how the financial split is working for you. Obviously if you are earning loads more, a 50:50 split might leave him with little over but whatever you do should be fair. Personally I’d always want to pay half the mortgage but the other bills could be split differently to leave both of you with disposable
income (guess you do something like that). But if that is happening, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t jump at the chance of being default parent at least once a week just to give you a break.

however, he might step up when you explain things aren’t working … maybe you could write down the points you want to make/any non-negotiables for you … let us know how that goes.

I love this! How on earth did he think you were going to magically cover it if he couldn’t!?

100% this. What does he bring to the table? Ask him this question.

Of course he's happy with the set up. Why wouldn't he be? But OP should have had this discussion earlier. If he's aware of the situation then you could also argue that he was TA for not suggesting divided responsibility.

This is your fault OP.
Because you are tolerating it.
You have married and chosen to fund and have a child with a selfish loser.
This is your life for as long as you tolerate it.

Get rid of him.
He's costing you money when he clearly doesn't care a dot for you or his child.

Apologies for being harsh, but why the hell would you be such a mug and tolerate this?

He's a single man, let him off.
All you do is fund his life.
So silly of you.

Agree with this - you appear to be not only taking on all the responsibility for childcare but also the bulk of the family finances - maybe show him this thread? New Year, new decisions / changes? What does he say when you (if you) discuss this??
With kindness, you need to sort this out or resentment will set in - if you just go along with this he will continue to take it all for granted.

Yabu to be putting up with him walking all over you!

Winner winner for him, it sounds like his ‘job’ is linked to a hobby he enjoys and he has fun like a big kid while mummy (you) manage everything else as well as paying the most!

Op I feel so frustrated for you that he’s living the life while your job and you sound quite stressed and drained ❤️

You can’t live like this please talk to him.

We all know he worked over the holiday to avoid the childcare. Then he will have a nice holiday to himself when everyone back to work/nursery. Just thinking about nicest path of action for him and throwing u under the bus.

Absolutely give it to him straight.
Tell him what happened is grossly unfair and is never happening again.

He sounds awful and just like the majority of men if left to their own devices. Was watching a mum with 3 kids pushing a heavy pushchair up a hill with husband walking behind drinking a can of monster. The woman was struggling and had baby and 3 kids attached to her. It really upset me actually.

So sorry u going through this.

I'm sorry but solo parenting since boxing day and you're this strung out, wow. We are supposed to be successful to enable us to enjoy our family time more, give us more opportunities. It's Christmas time. Instead of being resentful why didn't you use some of that hard earned cash to make magical memories and have chill time with your child? There are some fantastic productions at the theatre, great menus this time of year at restaurants and loads of Christmas activites on until Monday. A two year old finds joy in bubbles, it's not hard to distract a toddler and find time for R&R. Solo parenting an 8 year old with ADHD....now that's a different story.

At the beginning of the year i send DH all the school holiday dates. Which are many. We choose one week to spend on a family holiday. Then the rest of our holidays we split for childcare, which we dont actually see as childcare. Ita just days off with our family. There are no rest days for ourselves. There isnt enough holiday.
You need to set this out each year now for at least the next decade. My dh never knows when the kids are breaking up, i have to remind him all through the entire year and make sure he has booked his days to cover. Because he is annoying and cant work it out for himself. Sounds like your dh is calendarly impared like many DHs seem to be. Therefore he needs a good kick up the arse to learn quickly that now he has no days to himself, just like you.

Oh my friend wait until school holidays and the bloody half terms!!!!! You will never ever see your money again or Patience. I have already planned all my holidays for 2026 with plane tickets bought!!! And we are two with no family in UK. I plan all my husband's days across the year too and we get each 5 days off traveling or doing whatever alone!

He's the one missing out on those precious early years that go so quickly. Yes your tierd. But I have never heard a mum saying she regrets being tierd when their kid was little. But I know loads who regret working or not spending enough time taking in those early years. See this as a hidden blessing.

I’m a mum who regrets being tired. My kids and I would have had a better few years at the start if we hadn’t been so tired. The best thing we did in those years was get in help so niether of us was as exhausted. I only wish we could have got more.

To be fair I also regret being tired! I wish I’d made different decisions, I work hours that allow me to do everything (holidays, pick ups) and work (from home) all hours, getting up early, feeling run down all the time and sometimes snappy. You should be a team and in it together. Men like this need to be instructed - you need to sit down and be frank about how it’s not working. It’s also not about missing out - I am sure you want to take the holidays off with your child, but if you’re both off you get to do things together, step away, take a couple hours to yourself.

Yes of course he is being unreasonable- but so are you a little bit.

You DC should occupy almost all of BOTH your AL as a given. They're already in full time nursery, so when do they get a break off of that at home? Having a toddler is relentless, but thats what you've signed up for, so I would abandon the idea of AL on your own at all - both of you.

Get time to yourself by swapping DC between the two of you during evenings and weekends/days off. Then they get to enjoy time with both parents independently and be in their home comforts.

Men are much better at putting their own needs first.

Hrft but our NHS parental leave is unpaid so do check out your local policy before booking it.

We do have generous (comparatively)paid carers leave and family leave, but parental leave is unpaid.

In your position, I might book it as unpaid leave and get the DH to make up your pay if he doesn't want to use his holiday

I'm thinking you are not enjoying your current life to post this here. Is everything Ok?.

2year olds can be differently difficult in different situations and what bothered the OP mostly was the imbalance between her and DHs childcare responsibilities.