to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

Even the fact that you call it “childcare”
is odd. Surely if it’s your own child, it’s just parenting and spending time with your child 😏

Not not not NOT unreasonable!

I get where you are coming from, I'm not the main bread winner but I do work . My holiday is always booked for nursery closures etc. I don't resent that because he is my world but my husband enjoys his as time out going away for hobbies. Meanwhile I don't get time to shower in peace alot of the time.

You need to have a talk with him about what he actually brings to your relationship and your little family as from what you've said you might as well divorce him as you're doing everything yourself. What does he actually do for your household? For his child? Tell him what you expect re household and parenting and if he doesn't step up it's divorce.

Why don’t you both share responsibility for your DS?

I assign my DH his leave for the year to cover school holidays
he has five days a year that cannot be used for pre planning he can do what his wants with

Then you need to have the conversation with DH then. Nothing will change unless you start communicating will it?

Sorry, OP. Sounds like you've married a boy. It probably won't get better.
You could/should try to have a reckoning with him. It may/may not make any difference. Then you have to weigh up your options. Sorry.

Why don’t you have this conversation with him?

he should have had time off over Xmas to look after your child too.

💯 this!

Beware of repressing anger and resentment. It builds up and years later can affect you physically . Best to sort it all out now. Why should you and your health suffer?

Maybe as it’s the beginning of the year you can get all the dates that will need covering and work out who is going to do which day. Yanbu. I would be fuming if I was the breadwinner. He is taking the piss. Talk about delusions of grandeur. Acts like he is the breadwinner but isn’t.

CrazyCatMom, you are at risk of burnout! Then you won’t be any good to anyone. New Year = new plans. Put your foot down and change this NOW! LOL

I’m sorry but why do we say it’s unreasonable to be resentful. Does her husband not wonder what happens to his child when nursery is closed. Why do we as mothers assume it’s a detail that only we pick up. Maybe we are actually doing men a disservice here?

I would get up next school holiday and go to work early and see what he does, maybe he will have to think on his feet but it will soon become a conversation topic that’s for sure. It’s the same with the age old “isn’t he sweet looking after the children for you” when you are on a night out. Erm you mean his own children. Honestly it drove me insane I swear the Drs forgot my ex was in the room when discussing my late son and that was his own fault he chose to not know things so he didn’t have to take responsibility for anything. All this did was make me realise I didn’t love him anymore and that his mom needed to take him back. Even at our son’s funeral he told me I wasn’t taking care of him enough. Never have I wanted to hurt someone like I did then. Anyway I digress either speak up now or start planning how to use up a pre digged grave ( they may just have been me). But don’t let it spoil 27 years of your life.

Of course it shouldn’t all be on you and neither should you have to spell this out to your DH. But you need to make sure that you have the conversation asap to make it clear that it can’t happen again. Hopefully it’s just him being a thoughtless idiot who needs a kick up the arse. If he argues back about it or doesn’t change his behaviour bin future, then you need to consider your next move.

You both need to communicate better and reach a compromise that works for each of you as individuals and as a family for time all together

He works long shifts so day to day it falls on me mainly which isn't an issue . He supports us financially more than I can . The holiday things has always been an issue and probably always will tbh, I wouldn't want to go away on holiday without DS the day might be nice.

You would have more free time off if you divorced and split custody. You will also pay less in child support. Ask the attorney if the court can order him to find more gainful employment.

I believe in marriage and fighting for it once in. That said, what on earth is this man useful for? Where is his sense of pride when he's practically freeloading on the back of his wife? You would have known he wasn't thoughtful or responsible during courtship, so why did you make a home with him? Better to have a "come to Jesus!"conversation with him before you burn out. He should be paying at least half the mortgage and nursery bills, and using some of his AL to look after his own child.

On the wider subject, mothers: what kind of weak men are some of you raising? One of my neighbours does all the house work including "manly" jobs like lawnmowing whist teenage/grown sons are indoors unbothered. I get second-hand resentment on her behalf, knowing these sons would likely become problems for their future wives.

Wish you well OP but it's a new year, respectfully and prayerfully take some control and stop enabling bad behaviours. Don't make rash decisions such as abandoning the marriage without counting the costs and first trying to amend the situation. HNY!

No communication 🤪

I’ve said you’re NOT being unreasonable.
But, you’ll never get this time with child again??? ☺️☺️☺️

Do you speak to your husband? Why haven't you agreed how child care will be split?

Forget about earnings for a moment. DS is both your child and you both work FT. So AL needs to be fairly split 50/50. Take turns who stays off with him for holidays and illness. Also sometimes either of you can take AL for a child free rest. Christmas was a learning curve and not how it will be going forward.

When my kids were wee we would buy a planner every year & would put all the dates that the kids were on holiday, then the dates we were working (I worked part-time & their dad worked odd shifts), and plan around that. It reduced stress because we knew where there were childcare issues at the start of the year & worked together to resolve them.

But in recent times, parents seem to have become very protective of their child-free time (and in particular, separated parents) makes you wonder if a few women should have stayed on the pill …